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Husband doesn't care that my father died.

Discussion in 'Finding it Difficult to Move Foward' started by Yash Le, Feb 27, 2020.

  1. Yash Le

    Yash Le New Member

    My father died a couple of months ago after 10 years of suffering from diabetes, renal failure, heart failure. He died emaciated, amputated, depressed and suffering from dementia. My mother was an emotional wreck at the funeral- crying and sobbing. I was teary eyed with a blank expression, I was in shock. I'm like my father, I take time to process my emotions especially in front of others . I feel like my lack of crying and sobbing has made my family perceive me as indifferent towards my Dad's dying.
    My husband is out of the country working, I talked to him on the phone later that night weeping and the next day too. After that when we'd talk on the phone I'd avoid talking about my Dad, maybe sometimes I would mention that I miss my Dad or that I'm not having the best day. But I would mainly talk about our little son- which always cheers me up, because he's really cute! My husband was supposed to visit the next month for a week, but his holidays got cut short to 5 days, so he decided it wasn't worth the trip. A friend of mine mentioned that it very strange that he wouldn't come see me to check up on me after such a tragic loss.
    And I started thinking maybe I should have been more expressive with my emotions? Tell him that I can't comprehend that father is gone. That I can't even see a picture of him without crying for a good hour. That there isn't a second that goes by that I wish my Dad was alive because without him nothing is truly complete and nothing feels right. My mother says that if you are feeling it at 1, you have to talk about it at a 20* or nobody understands what you are going through. I would often talk to my husband about my Dad being ill and how I'm devastated that he can't catch a break, it was one surgery and hospital admission after the other. But to be honest he never seemed like he cared and would almost never say anything comforting.
    Writing this has really depressed me.
  2. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Yash Le, living with so long with your father being so ill takes a toll on even the strongest of us all. My two sons and I were always hoping their mother, my wife would get better and we too took every visit to the doctor's , hospital, and emergency room with hope.

    Being able to take the time to cope is very trying on your heart and mind. Doing it slowly I am sure you went through so much inner turmoil you did a remarkable job to keep it up. Please don't ever doubt yourself, and only having yourself at night had to be enormously hard.

    You have to give yourself time to process everything you have been through. There are not any easy answers for you or your mother. Losing a parent or a spouse is one that we all dread to happen, and even tremendously harder to cope with it. Each of us take loss of a loved one so differently, mainly because that is who we are, we have grown into a unique person, who views on the world and those around us, are ours and ours alone.

    Just know that as each day passes and you walk in this cloud of grief, you are not alone in your sorrow. Many people here at this site are also walking this very same path and understand what you now face is going to be the toughest battle with yourself you will ever face in your life. Please just remember, don't give up, don't blame yourself and above all, all any person can do is use what courage they have and take each step you take slowly.

    Don't be afraid to make any mistakes, or question your motives, for what you are now doing is out of love for the one who is no longer with you. All you can ask of yourself, is to take faith in yourself and place trust in what you do, as there are no wrong steps when you are doing it out of love.

    Of course it is very hard to talk about loss. It takes courage. Just take time slowly and each day and then into night and as you wake the next morning the heartache of your loss will be lesser. I myself am going on 5 years in April of the loss of my wife. She is still on my mind each day, and so it is understandable that as time passes for you, your feelings will be all over the place.

    With you husband not in the country it is obvious you might question many things each day. I was in the military going on 13 years, for my first 4 years I was single, for the next almost 9 years I was married. When I had to leave my wife and sons behind when duty called, it was hard, very hard, not just for me, but for my wife who would face so many decisions alone, some would be immediate and some long term, but the thing we both realized is you can only do the what you feel is right, and place trust in yourself.

    Yash Le, your feelings are still raw, and sorrow is a hard road to travel. Please just remember, reach out to us here at this site when you are troubled, and reach out to your family every chance you get. You can ask no more of a person.

    Please take care of yourself and not neglect your well being. Take all the time you need now to deal with life as it now is, and I hope you will have many restful nights.


    I offer this song for you

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