How long do these feelings last

Hello everyone,

Today marks the anniversary day of the 5th year since my wife Nadine passed away from cancer. Each one of us is so different, in that grief can start before the loss, and then continue after loss. That was my case, as my two sons and I watched in horror as their mom and my wife slowly started being taken away from us.

Honestly I can’t know the actual date it started for us. It is one of the most helpless of feelings to be unable to help a your loved one, and then hope perhaps come knocking and you are shattered when another test is run.

Despair oh my God, where do you start. When you never know what the next day will bring you try not to make your loved one feel bad, but I was absolutely sure Nadine could tell how hopeless we all felt.

When I called Nadine’s last sister Linda, and her niece a nurse, they came to live with us for three months before Nadine was taken by air to a hospice house in Maine. Both of them helped all of us cope better. I could hear so much laughter as they talked as they watched movies and it was so great to have some relief, even if only temporary. I would say both of them help all of us from going over the edge.

When Nadine finally passed and we had to accept it, our continued time with sorrow continued.

I want to make sure all of you realize, I am not saying it can and will happen to you, but life and what a loved one means to you takes ahold of you. You lose control over your thoughts. You have no idea how to go forward.

As days, weeks, months and then years passed I had of course unloaded on my family as much as I could. I had spent months writing Nadine’s story each day and posting it on Facebook.com. My family, her family did not realize all the things Nadine had endured. Lisa her niece copied it all and planned to write a book about her favorite aunt Nadine.

After I left Facebook.com I had nowhere to talk about my loss anymore. Family did not wish to talk anymore, my friends were the same, but I understood that, as this loss was personal to my two sons and me.

I also want to let you know that if you suffer and are afflicted with depression as it happened to me, you are basically useless to anyone at that point. I developed panic attacks, and actually thought I had forgotten how to breathe. I had lost 75 pounds before a doctor treated me. He gave me antidepressants, but I still lost another 25 pounds before I would get over it five months later. So please be aware, if you feel like you are losing a grip on reality, you should see a psychiatrist as I did and let them determine if you need help.

Now how long does grief last. It depends from my standpoint. If you are unable to talk about your repressed feelings you are holding them inside you. As time passes you start time start to slip, you forget things. Your ability to maintain thought starts to disappear slowly, and on and on it goes until you can lose yourself and your surroundings.

So I started to search for anywhere to talk with anyone, someone, I did not care who. I can remember being in a car traveling somewhere and I actually hit 100 mph, my son was sitting beside me. Since that time I have not taken any long trip again.

Four and one-half years had passed and here I was still unable to talk with people. I was literally going crazy with myself. I can remember going to the emergency room 3 times for nerves, neck muscles, arm pain, breathing problems, and each time I was treated and released after I calmed down.

Finally I found this site on Sep 25th of last year, registered and then made my very first post. It was one of the longest posts I have ever made in my life. From that day forward I could not shut up and I am glad I did not. I had found a place to finally help me talk it out with others like you, who had suffered losses in life.

I don’t know what day it was, but I felt like my shoulder was no longer so heavy anymore, my neck felt better, the intermittent pain in my arm disappeared and I could finally focus once again.

I will tell you I have cried and an endless amount of tears, like there is no tomorrow. I have looked for what to do with myself in this new life, in short I could actually think clearly again.

So when you ask - How long do feelings last - no idea, each of us look for that answer, and it might not be the same for any of us. I just know, talking is free, talking is healthy, and as you can see I do talk too much at times.

-david

 

Hi David,
Thank you for sharing in depth information on your journey. It’s good to read and see how far you’ve come.
You’ve fought the fight bravely and seem to come out the other side with the help of many things and people. But also this site, and I agree this site is a godsend. I’ve learned like you have learned, that talking and sharing our story is such a necessary step towards healing.
How wonderful that you can once again think clearly.
Where you’ve gotten to is what all of us are striving for. That is our goal.
So thank you for sharing and letting us in the see there is a light at the end of the tunnel, we all just need to keep working towards that light.
Robin

 

Robin,

Thank you!

 

David,

Your ability to express makes you feel better but many who read as well. We get to know you but see our selves in your telling. Anniversaries are mileposts and date to both remember as well as to measure. The Hospice list of the 50 ways grief presents. One is a kinetic need for talking. Your talking points are what most here feel. The people around you were fantastic but needed to tend to their lives. You realized that your loss was personal and needed to carry that personally. The getting treatment especially with your body telling you so clearly that something more than time as needed.
Kay was of a military household growing up. They say military brat but she was never a brat. I admired her ability to adapt and make friends as seamless as breathing air. You often end a conversation with a peace brother. That brotherhood is sited often by military people. Kays's dad had squadron reunions all the years till his death. They retired in Pensacola where his service began. His wife was from there.

Your ability to write what we all feel is putting into words what I for one had not found words to express the inner. Close but still not fully translated from feeling to reason. So listening is a part as well. Really sharing in two way dialog is what we do and a little less lonely for it.

I see the talking like a physics theorem. Two physical bodies can not occupy the same space at the same time. If we are engaged in the conversation we are not just dwelling in our own head all the time. Kay and I could talk ten hours if some really charged topic came up.

You post so much quality music. I was wondering could you post your voice, just kidding. But do you speak with that Maine accent? Kay had at one time a southern accent that her mother always maintained. Her sister and brother have traces even though they were either born in Norfolk or Monterey.

Peace Brother.

Paul M.

 

You know what’s shitty. I keep going through her things looking to find something to be angry about. I went through her journal today. What an asshole am I. Hoping to find something to be pissed about and all I found was more reasons to miss her. Wishing she felt more comfortable to tell me the thoughts in her head. Wishing I wasn’t so one way. I wish I could heal her pain. I wish I was there more. I wish I told her I loved her one more time. It will be three months tomorrow. I just wish for more time. She needed more time. I needed more time.32. It’s just unfair. I sound like a broken record. I keep hoping to find something that makes me so pissed I won’t miss her anymore. It keeps backfiring. I think I’m going to make an appointment with a therapist. I don’t know what normal is.

 

Paul,

I am investigating how to get a voice onto here. I may have to use YouTube.com with no video. Peace brother.

-david

 

Well with my Aimee it's been about a little over a month and a week, I believe im doing ok, due to a lack of a support system I have. Luckily I'm the kinda person that forgives easy and doesnt let Sun go down on his wrath. If Aimee & I had falling out, she knew it, she had this uncanny ability to know when I was upset without even saying a word. But we always quickly worked it out.We really dud get along so well, most couples only spend half the day together if that.We were littleraly joined at the hip maybe 22 hrs a day for a year no exaggeration. So it is hard spending my days & nights without her. I have to say in my case the good out weigh the bad enormously.
Only time I can remember that we had an issue was she had caught my in a lie. It hurt me so bad to have lie to her, I cried on her chest apologizing to her, telling her how sport I was and didn't want lies anywhere in our relationship.
She seemed really touched by this and held me close and told me everything is fine as well as how much she loved me.
Thanks all for posting all your kind words help us all move forward in this day to day battle.

 

Jonathan,

You keep opening up and talking, it will do your heart, mind, and soul, and a world of good. I wish Aimee has had a better outcome.

With you having found this forum it will allow you to share those troubling thoughts you might have. By talking with us you will begin to realize you have found your first part of a support system. Seeking professional help, like a counselor, or psychiatrist or priest is also another part of the support. When you have family and friends available that is also a part. You just need to reach out to them as it is possible.

Jonathan, excellent about live and let live attitude towards life. If we kept looking for ways to blame others we would never be able to help ourselves. Of course, it is being without Aimee. She was a part of you, her children were as well. So it is natural to feel that loss. Each of us takes loss so differently. How we go forward is how we overcome such loss.

Jonathan, another part of healing is being able to forgive ourselves, whether it is real or imagined. Please just take the time to talk, look also for others who can help, and with time the emotions you build up day after day will feel so much less of a burden to face in life. Also please make sure not to give in to despair for the loss of Aimee. Keep talking and we will keep listening. Take care and Peace brother.

-david

Here is a song for you today

 

It's been a month and I think I'm still in a denial. For some crazy reason I think maybe it was all not real. Maybe the loving years I had with him I just dreamed it was . Nights are harder and sometimes I think I m losing my mind. the grief is still so intense that I can barely breathe. During the day I'm busy teaching for 5 hours online English, but then I have done and I fall apart. I eat and it all tastes like cardboard. during this time I have no one that can come to me. I have spent 1 month alone in my thoughts, in our house that was our sanctuary form the world. Where we could be real and who we were and it was ok. The night before he died he sent me a message for a card he was making for someone who lost his wife after a long heart problem. In it he said the loard is with those of a broken heart and battered mind. I wonder. Will I ever breathe fresh air again and not think about him.

 

Hi Racheev,
At this point I cry throughout my whole day, I thought I was maling progress but

 

sorry accidentally post this without finishing.
Anyway, I find myself drumming up good memories, but then I began to get upset cry, scream at the sky, yelling and screaming I do anything to get her back , but I know that is just not possible.
It as if i'm afraid to stop feeling for her. I 've told myself, Jonathan you don't even want to feel what you had with Aimee with another person.
You want that love from Aimee, it brakes my heart when I think about it.When I realise that new memories with her are impossible I breakdown...
I'm realising that talking and writing are keeping grounded and making me feel better;also exercising and anything that keeps you mind occupied has help me tremendously, Remember your love one wants you to have an amazing life for them. What would you be doing with them? Moving forward in your life? Be strong grief is a roller coaster ride, you think this is the last loop and then you end up in upside down triple corkscrew. Talk to your love one as if there in the room with you, my Aimee stays by
my side 24/7 and as she did when she was here physically.
Someone told me this and I find it to ring true due to grieving my mother 5yrs back. That the pain doesn't go away, but becomes less intense easier to manage. I find myself running through all stages of grief daily backwards ,forward , out of order, inorder.
I had a reminder today from Ellie 21 my Aimees daughter, " I know it's hard, I miss her too, but remember to take it One day at a time."

 

It has been 9 months since my husband died. For me grief has been like peeling an onion. The outer layer of grief: The shock, the devastation was the first round. Now I am functioning every day and used to be alone but each day the grief feels more real and felt more deeply. My husband was a good man and his loss was huge but now I am beginning to feel how huge. So much of my own confidence was a result of his encouragement and support. I am finding it difficult to reach out to friends, begin work projects, or even wash my clothes. I feel like a left foot in my family. They all are warm and want to include me but I don't feel I belong. Of course being isolated during this pandemic does not help.

 

Cathy,

I am sure as each day passes for you, your thoughts always fall back to your husband. This isolation makes it so hard, we can't visit, we can't go to movies, we are unable to do so many things outside, and we, of course, can have no people come to us. It is the same for us in Maine. Only those with travel orders can move about to work or shop for essentials. But, I have found that after loss, my appetite is no longer the same, food doesn't really interest me anymore. I see you have a daughter and grandchildren who are removed from contact right now. So just that does not make it easy to face each day.

Missing all those words from him, those quiet moments are the same for me as I think often of my wife. Sure even after all this time it is not hard to shed tears, as I am sure it is for you as well. So natural to not be able to call people, because it is hard to talk when they may know about your loss and it is not easy finding words some days after a loss.

Work is so foreign right now to me. Some days the bed is left unmade, the trash is forgotten to be carried out to the street, and so many other things just don't seem important enough at times. I get the paper, but the first thing I look at is the obits, to see who I might have known. There are so many things missing in the paper with so many things canceled, so other than that, I would have done the crossword but just not feeling it. One of my sons did make us all masks, now at least we have our own mask.

My brother was telling me about how medical personnel who wear glasses with a clear mask over had to worry about it fogging up from preparation. A doctor told my brother what they learned by pouring water in a sink, bowl, or whatever. Then add soap and let the bubbles form. As the bubbles move to the sides, dunk your glasses into the soapy water. Then set them aside on a napkin, paper towel, or whatever and let them dry. A film is created on the glasses is created. That soapy film will prevent the glasses from fogging up.

Yes, laundry only once a week, good thing we have tons of towels and washcloths, and other things. So hate that chore. Some days the dishes are stacked on one side of the sink, even though we have a dishwasher. Just not feeling it. But when the stack gets too high they do get washed. The curtains are drawn shut. our two black cats do get fed, but even they leave us by ourselves when we are not touchy-feely.

So until the gates (Stay In Place) orders are lifted, life is going to be pretty one dimensional. I have a recorder on the tv and have so many programs I have recorded. trouble is so many of them don't hold my interest long enough so they are mostly all partially watched. At least when I grab a cup of coffee, and either sit at my computer or listen to music I am somewhat happy and my time is occupied some.

I hope your days will improve for you. Please just make sure to watch out for despair. Keep an eye on your well being. Peace be with you.

-david

Sometimes all you can do is just listen and let others entertain you

 

Hugs Cathy Jeanne. I am at 6 months and like you say it gets deeper. After the initial shock we decide we must cope and we go forward trying our best but we get so tired of the ache and the loneliness . Then we think why put in so much effort and things go undone. I am reluctant to call friends because I feel I have nothing to say that would be interesting or uplifting to them. I light a candle each morning and let it shine into my soul. The sun brings light and life to all things everyday no matter what. I try, not always successfully, to let that fill me and promise the flame that "today I will be my best self" . I do this knowing full well that some days will consist of tears and sitting. But if that is the best I can do then that is my best self. Take care.

 

David, thanks for your message. For some reason it ended up in Spam so just found it! My dog and cat get fed and let out and everything else is dependent on my mood. I am here with one of my kids (same property different house) so do have contact, but I half the day I am super depressed, part of the day only partially depressed, and for an hour or two distracted by books or tv. I know every day is a process. I have been watching Doc Martin because it is a good show, and tame. Not too much drama. Maybe we should start a book group for grieving people and only read uplifting books.

 

Thanks Anie, Some days are bad and others not so bad. Its funny, maybe because i am locked in right now my grief seems to be getting worse than better. I have been locked in for 6 weeks and developed a routine but especially in the mornings life seems so grim.

 

Racheey,

Having to admit we have lost our loved one and then to face it is at times such an impossible task we have to come to terms with. Sure we can try to deny this loss, these feelings, that they are just imagined, but then all of a sudden we start crying and can't stop. Sure we wish to hide away those tears from others, we feel so vulnerable, we might wish to not be a bother to others.

Life has a way of shaking us back to reality. It sometimes may be gentle like an item you come across that brings a memory and a tear, then it may be their imagined presence as you enter a room and you might freeze in place, not from fear, but being so overwhelmed with sadness.

Each day that we face that loss is so different from the last. Our feelings can vacillate all over the place. Some happy, some sad, and yes, even some only partially remembered, and so we strain to understand why, and feel bad because we may have forgotten something especially important to us and us alone. As days pass we search for ways to cope.

If you can find support, by phone, by internet, and once this isolation is removed it will be your best possible solution. Talking with them, with family if possible is good, and with strangers. You just need to be able to be open and honest with yourself and tell how you are feeling. It isn't an easy road to travel, and one that takes time and effort. Just do the best you can. Take care of your well-being. Please watch out for despair. Peace be with you.

-david

Here is a song for you today

 

I do think the isolation of being at home all the time does make it worse. So much time to think. I just spent 3 weeks sorting all my old photos. 2/3 are properly put away but the more recent ones are back in a box. I was able to do a fire ceremony and burn many of them. Sweet memories, honoured, thanked , and released. It was a good experience, a life review. I was afraid at first that it would make me melancholy but instead it lifted me. I have lived a big, wonderful, hard, interesting life and have reached the top of my mountain. So grateful that Mike was with me to help so much during that climb. Hugs.

 

Thank you all for giving support. I'm just at a loss as to what to do next. So much paperwork and all in a different language I have to translate. I do connect with family via the internet but live in a different country at present. I didn't realize until now how much my husband not only supported me emotionally but protected me from all the rest. I live in Germany at present and do speak good basic but I'm lost on all the wording sent in the request. I do have a brother in law but due to the present and his fragile health, he cannot come to me.

 

Racheey,

I hope you will find the assistance you require with the language barrier. The internet also has some excellent translators. Yes, it has to be tough being separated by country when you need help. Some of those documents you have might have already been translated online, not sure, but try googling them to see if that is possible.

-david