How long do these feelings last

I know everyone’s grieving process is different but on the 22nd it will be the three months. Every free thought I have is of our fights. Never of the good. And I replay them 20 times a day. Does this stop? Will there be a day I can go by and not think of her? Will there be a day I don’t cry? I just want to feel “normal” for one entire day. Will that feeling ever come?

 

skies24,

The obsessional thinking is a part of this. The one percent rational mind I had at Kay's passing estimated two years. Not a solid two years in the condition you are experiencing. A gradual lessening. I clung to the hope of a progression. Each week would be seven tough days. Then six tough days and one neutral. Then four tough days, two neutral, one OK. Kay has a psychologist friend I contacted. Her take was note however small a break in the intensity. That is hope and confirmation that better will happen.

The short answer is yes. The disappointing reality for a long time. Our being gets hit by a bus. Our mind will gradually heal. I clung to a hospice grief counselor. Many grief books. I had some special friends that could tolerate my behavior and either listen or just be safe to be with. Good souls. At 15 months I can leave the house and not have to turn back to get the wallet. I can shop in the store decently. I prior to our lockdown attended a Yoga class in the beginning then to three times a week. Every step was fragile and unsure.

I just wanted to respond to you with the knowledge of how devastated we are. You are welcome to chat more should you choose. regrettably, our 19 world limits the helping hands that will be in your life. If that is here then here is a start. Nothing you feel or think is unusual just painful and consuming. My heart feels for you and a virtual hug was sent.

 

Thank you for the reinsurance that I’m not going crazy. This journey is shitty! One step forward 20 steps back. I just wish the conversations in my head over and over would stop. I think if that stopped I could breathe. Wishing us both a better day today with a moments of calmness.

 

Skies24. I can only tell you about my journey of course so here I am, 5 1/2 months in, I don't have every day horrible anymore. Some are ok. None are happy tho. I don't cry every day anymore either but most days I cry at least once. I never stop thinking about her. She's always in the forefront of my mind and have a hard time concentrating on my job. ( I'm lucky enough to have a job and go to work every day). Weekend's and being home alone are still the worst hours for me.
Almost 6 months in and I can definitely say I'm better now than I was at 2 months. Hang in there! It truly is one hour, one day at a time. I'm sorry for your loss and wish you the best of luck handling this most difficult times.

 

With time it will get better. We all regret the fights...now they seem so silly, so unimportant, a waste of precious moments we could have had. We need to remember that hindsight is always 20/20. Any two people in a relationship have fights. Each individual has their own likes, dislikes, ideas, morals, beliefs...these things make us a unique person. These parts of us are always going to run up against these parts of another person. It is normal. Our love for our person is bigger and more important. I actually say good things that we did for each other out loud when I start to fall down the regret hole. It brings me back to knowing we were normal and our life together was oh so wonderful. HUGS.

 

Nights are difficult. Alone and trapped in our thoughts. At least days I could be out some. Any just random conversation was a break from my obsessive thoughts. I was so desperate so any idea I would try. Someone said to journal and actually that was OK as writing created flow instead of the repeated thought that would not let up. Someone said plant flowers for a spring tribute for Kay. I did and just the physical work was a relief. A grief book said exercise and I did. Then there are days we just stare and nothing happens. The ideas may be in place but the will to do anything isn't. Good comments all. Skies I am glad you started this thread.

 

The replaying of the fights, and what are guilt feelings will ebb and flow. We all wish we were better people at times, the operative word here is people, we're mere humans that make mistakes. I was on the phone with my MIL one day and confessed to feeling horrible for the times that I was impatient with him, other times that I got angry about things too. She reminded me that all couples do that, it's the closeness that allows you the freedom to complain and get angry, it's honesty. I'm sure in all the bad stuff, our SO's knew we were with them, loved them. I found a text my husband sent to a friend of his saying how I was there every step of the way with him during one of his hospitalizations, it gave me comfort. Because I always felt I didn't do enough.

In time, you will forgive yourself, I'm still working on it too. We also learn how to be better, he always made me better.

 

giogo,

You could not express this any better. Guilt and recrimination are lethal and so punishing. But there we are focused on our whatever, bad day and we were impatient or took out our frustration and insecurity on those closest in a most likely tired and irritable moment. Perhaps something had been brewing for so long it has not been addressed well and the hidden repressed anger pops. We are all human fault machines at times, I agree. Also exactly as you said. We lack any proportionality and forget the better time. The better selves that also were in a relationship.

Kay was a better olive branch extender than I. There were times I could not apologize enough but pride was in the way at other times. It stings because of its true and happened. With a parted one the record is what it is. Your observation that hard honesty got expressed. We hopefully trace the roots correctly and course correct.

Forgiveness is a few things. Us forgiving others if for no other reason to stop the toxic anger that is truly hurting ourselves. Forgiving our selves and framing our transgression honestly and accurately. That internal conversation that acknowledges the bad behavior, feels genuine remorse. Then there is the person who has offended and wishes forgiveness. I read somewhere for that to happen two things go with it. The verbalization of what the offense was. Full acknowledgment and comprehension. Then the second part. The commitment to not repeating it and being true to that.


For some that type of growth is difficult. I know some friends or family that did not speak for years or ever. The ultimate relationship card is I am done and separated.

 

Yesterday, was exactly one year since I lost my sister who was my best friend and the last of my family. It was a horrible day but I did get through it. I continue to have bad days but also some days that I feel stronger and able to cope better. Everyone is different in dealing with grief but there will come a time when you do feel "normal" but it is impossible to say when that day will be. You never forget but will be able to deal with it more as time passes. Stay strong and wishing you well.

 

The longer these restrictions on our lives are in place the less I feel like doing. I could easily become a recluse. I know that it’s for the well being of is all, but it’s still suffocating. You talked about journaling. I think that helps. I’m doing basically the same thing by texting Janet daily and I talk about the days events. It helps. Today was the 6 month mark of her death and I lost it. I didn’t expect such an emotional reaction. I wrote her a poem, and I read it to her while touching the urn filled with her ashes, and I just lost it. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.
God bless you all, and your supporters.
Bill

 

Blessings Bill. I just did the 6 months mark on the 11th. It was incredibility hard and yes I lost it too. I lost it for most of the day, sobbing at every turn. It will get better again.

 

I hope we both have better days in the coming days and weeks. It’s going to be very difficult, but we can do it.
Bill

 

I'm thinking of everyone on here going through these anniversaries. Being home as much as we are certainly magnifies emotions, I know for me it brings back memories stuck inside together because it was too cold to get out, but we never mined it because we were together. This is new territory.

To all, there will be better days.

 

All I can say is that I’m thankful for this site. I’m going to grow in a different way because of her. She is going to make me a better person. She was way better than me. Anniversary dates, holidays... I dread them. God I just want to pass them all and go talk to her about everything. I was always the one to get pissed. She was so calm. I’m thankful she taught me the peacefulness about life. Now I have to learn how use the peacefulness she showed. I’m sorry for all the pain. Thank you for being a place to vent.

I will love you forever but I just want one day I don’t cry. I want one day to feel okay.

 

The days will get slowly better I promise you. You've said a thought that I've been thinking about this weekend and that is that I'm going to be a better person for knowing my sweet Peg. We have a clean slate now so to speak because we're starting a new identity. Starting all over again without our love by our side. I want to be a better person! Peggy was so forgiving and never judgemental. Not me but I think I can be more like her in my new identity. I've been working on it and when I read your post I have to agree! We're going to be better people for knowing them. Have an ok day today! Thanks for posting that!

 

Barry,

I was with my hospice counselor and several core topics were provided to have some perspective. It takes time, be social and a few more but as I had back to back losses of the most significant woman in my like that being wife and mother. She implied they are gone but not gone. I thought about that as all we do in this is think. I coined the expression women weave. They do in the day to day hundreds of acts that made my life livable. I am a product of all their ways and my memories are built with those.

 

L

 

Good thoughts and helpful info. Skies, next month will be 18 months for me. Things do get easier the repetitive conversations in your head do tend to lessen with time. The disagreements that come in your head etc. I think of times we’d disagree which weren’t often, like has been said usually feeling too tired and feeling cranky might have caused an arguement. In my case, Ron had a hard time apologizing and I think why did I let that bother me. It’s all so unimportant now.
But I can say I’ve come a long way, from not eating anything, not sleeping and getting out of bed feeling impossible. Am I like I was previous to losing Ron. Not at all. But I’m better then I was at 2,3, months or 7,8 months. It’s a slow process. The people we’re missing were a huge part of our lives. You can’t turn those feelings off like a switch. And really, would we want to? I don’t t think so. For me I know I need to go through this process to hopefully come out different but ok.
Trying to keep busy helps a lot. I made a garden to honor Ron which I plan to redo this year. That helped me a lot. I’m going to get a memorial bench for the garden this year. Anything that helps keep your mind busy is helpful.
And this site, is a tremendous help. Everyone on this thread has been of help to me. Thank you to all.
There are better days ahead we all just need to keep working towards them.
Robin.

 

I can relate to this thread so much. The repeated memories of the "bad times" is a tough reel to stop. I continue to replay the traumatic experiences leading up to my mom's death. She was my best friend and I wish I was able to do more for her at the end of her life which was sudden and only 4 months ago. It truly haunts me. A couple things that have helped me when the movie reel of trauma happens- I have a go-to happy memory of my mom, we were riding the tilt-a-whirl ride in Santa Cruz many years ago. We were laughing. I go to this memory and I tell myself that there were happy moments. Even as the bad things come back to mind, I keep going back to that memory, over and over. There are so many memories, and I hope to remember them. Right now my brain is cloudy and only wants to go to the trauma. I just tell myself that I will add more memories over time. I have to be gentle with myself. The other thing I do is a visualization of an old school boom box stereo and I imagine turning down the volume of the bad times, bad conversations, traumatic tapes. Then I visualize myself changing the station to a song I like and I turn the volume up. I talk to my mom, to her pictures and I place little flowers near them. This makes me feel connected still.

For me, nothing works all the time. Some things work some of the time. It helps me to talk to someone, cry my eyes out, go outside.
Sending you all hugs. Laura