How do we know when it's ok to see a new woman?

Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by Barry, May 19, 2020.

  1. Barry

    Barry Well-Known Member

    I met a woman. I lost Peg only 6 1/2 months ago. It feels awkward but I must say I like this woman and it really took the edge off of loneliness. Is this wrong? Anybody have any experience with this situation? I'm nervous. Is this too soon? Am I not seeing this clearly because I'm grieving? Any opinion is welcome. You won't hurt my feelings.
     
    glego likes this.
  2. CAL425

    CAL425 Member

    I think that we all move forward at our own pace. Maybe start slow, companionship and feeling comfortable could be a benefit right now. I'd be wary of she reminds you of you lost love. Things will happen as they need to happen. No one knows your heart like you do.
     
    Kieron, glego and Barry like this.
  3. Barry

    Barry Well-Known Member

    Thank you CAL for your response. You're right and I am going very slowly as I seem to do with everything in my life since Peggy died. It feels awkward but it's nice to just talk with a woman about life and where it's taken us. I felt embarrassed by my post and wanted to take it down but couldn't figure out how to do it.
     
    ainie and glego like this.
  4. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Barry,
    No need to feel embarrassed. I think the comfort a woman can be is very much wanted. Cal425 has a point. We are vulnerable. Comparisons to Peggy would be expected. She is what you know. Companionship and friendship never go out of style. Big decisions perhaps as thing s settle a bit.
     
    Barry and glego like this.
  5. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Barry, I agree with Paul and Cal, loneliness is hard. Start with a friendship and go from there. If I could get myself to that point I would go ahead and see where it went. I loved being married, having someone to share my day with and listen to his day.
     
    Barry and ainie like this.
  6. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Barry. Do not feel embarrassed! This is a topic that many of us deal with and I understand that we all feel awkward with the topic. Studies show that wanting a new relationship is a sign that you had a wonderful marriage. In a poor marriage one tends to idealize it after death and cling to it because they may not want to do a relationship again. Every case is unique to the people involved but these studies at least give an explanation of why we seek a new love while at the same time feeling "unfaithful" or censored by ourselves or other for "being too soon". Like the others said take it slow and give yourself time to find out if it is filling the void left by Peggy's absence or if it is truly a new relationship.
     
    Kieron and glego like this.
  7. Jonathan5757

    Jonathan5757 Active Member

    Do you man, follow your heart. I did with my Aimee.I only got about 2 years to get to know her but what an amazing 2 years it was. I wouldn't trade my experience with Aimee for anything I have no regrets. That how me Aimee actually met, I needed a ride and she lived 7 minutes down the street. We first were friends just enjoying each other's company we both hated being lonely and we loved each other so much. Most people need a break from each other... You get on each others nerves. Never Aimee this girl was spending so much time together all we wanted was to build a beautiful life together and mend things best we could. In retrospective sounds super cliche but I guess all this guy wants is devoted girl on his arm. I got to do a full a year of being a serious boyfriend into fiance. This girl had stolen my heart, made me a man and forever changed my life for the better. It is better to have loved and lost. Then to never have loved at all. The experience was so amazing and she showed me so much love in that amount of time I've just never been connected to a person so closely and such a short amount of time which is built so much so quick. We understood each other very well we saw what we wanted and we went after it we had no fear in doing and getting what we wanted. Her health that's one thing we should have been on top of and been proactive in. And was not. I had come into the relationship where she had already done some damage. Aimee was heavy smoker,she actually made me feel like I needed to smoke more. She smoked a lot. Now with bad heart no good idea. But Aimees actions were not lining up with the way she was living. But she had been so lonely living in that little trailer on the hill 10 yrs from where I counted. That she was inadvertently telling us she's checking out early, her actions spoke louder then her words. I dont doubt she loved and ment it. Never any question there. It's just a lot of lifestyle changes were not taking place needed too, if she was too stay around. We even talked several times. She wasn't going to a doctor, she wasn't taking proper meds and just running a hard lifestyle for someone with heart problems and covid19 spells disaster. They had given Aimee a second chance and she didn't take it serious or wanted to die cause how lonely she was. But then we found each other and all the bad choices played against me getting to keep Aimee. So I see all this in 20-20 due to hindsight.Its a beautiful story that is mine forever to keep and tell and change nothing I have no regrets. I love you my Aimee Always and Forever.
     
    Barry likes this.
  8. ksteve

    ksteve Active Member

    Barry, great question and one that has crossed my mind. Seems strange but 3 months after my wife passed (and just finished the holidays), I decided I needed to take control and pull myself out of the funk. I started to cook and do household chores - yea, I've got this. And then boom, some memory or event knocked me down. To be honest, I did ask myself if I would ever have another relationship - I came to the conclusion that I would not rule it out. But the guilt, what would people say? I'm not suppose to enjoy life - If Lynn can't be here to enjoy it neither can I. I finally got off my macho man "lets get back to normal" kick. I needed the time to grieve and to work through my own emotions. 18 months have passed and I talk to my wife daily but it's not always an emotionally charged conversation. We have our life which in a strange way still exists (kids, grand kids, etc.). But I've got things I need to figure out and do as well. It is damn lonely living along, eating alone, watching TV alone - lonely, lonely, lonely! So yea, I've got no plans to date at this time but anyone willing to strike up a conversation and I'll be more than happy to engage. This is me talking but at 6 months I was no where near being ready for any relationship. But now I can at least think about it with maybe just a little guilt. So proceed with caution. This grief thing has lots of twists and turns along the way.
     
    glego and Barry like this.
  9. Barry

    Barry Well-Known Member

    Thank you the advice and I liked reading your story. Grief is a rollercoaster. I definitely don't know what I'm doing. I've cried 6 times yesterday and 3 times already this morning ( I count them to know how bad my day was) and just now realized it must be because Memorial day weekend is starting. We always had a great time opening the pool and party on the patio. Nobody is coming over this year. I hate my new life!
     
  10. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Twists and turns is right. I was doing well but this sheltering is bringing me a bit down. I don't even seem to make sense, I do have a male friend that seems interested, I guess I'm sort of interested, but just not ready. He's expressed wanting to stay over, I've nixed that, maybe for a movie and go home. I'm still in the this is his house phase, I looked at our double sinks in the bathroom, and think, nope no one else can get ready there. Sounds crazy right??

    So Barry, I get where your going with this. Days I have the I hate my new life too, I know we all would give anything to have our people with us. Him being gone doesn't make sense.

    Ainie, you said, "In a poor marriage one tends to idealize it after death and cling to it because they may not want to do a relationship again." While I agree that one may not want a relationship again if they had a poor one, I'm not sure about that people the clinging to the point of idealizing, some people cling because it was that good and fear being disappointed. My husband always put me first and when I think of it his friends too, so far I haven't ran across anyone as kind hearted and selfless. There are also those that feel that they had their one and only, and it doesn't mean they're not leading a fulfilling life. This is so individual the having another relationship to the what kind or when, no one can say. The only thing that we shouldn't do is not have one out of guilt or fear. Life is meant to be enjoyed.
     
    ainie and Barry like this.
  11. Barry

    Barry Well-Known Member

    Augh! This weekend snuck up on me l guess. I didn't see it coming. So many memories! Peg and I were together almost 25 years. We fell in love at first sight. I asked her to marry me only 3 weeks after we met and she said yes. Never were apart. She was the best woman I've ever known. She was gone in the matter of one weekend. Brain aneurysm on a Saturday morning and declared unfixable brain dead and living only by life support Sunday afternoon. I still can't believe it every time I tell her story. I definitely don't know what I'm doing. Peg's been gone about 6months 3weeks. I just met this woman on a dog walk and she's been very nice to me. I can't imagine letting this go anywhere tho. It's just nice to talk with a woman again. Like you said glego, I walk around my house and see Peg everywhere. I can't imagine selling this house ever! It would be like leaving Peg. I really want myself to be happy again but I'm still pretty messed up. I haven't been happy one minute. I miss Peg and I miss the old me.
     
  12. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Glego you are so right...I did try to be clear that it was one study I read and include my opinion that every case is unique.
     
    glego likes this.
  13. Jonathan5757

    Jonathan5757 Active Member

    Wow man that's terrible a brain aneurysm on a Saturday morning. Insane brother I understand were men we seek friendship,companionship, relationships you had 25 years of an amazing life together. But I understand it's crossed my mind like once for a day and cause your human. We need these things of that nature and some human beings crave it more then others. I try not to watch tv anymore to much garbage. If I'm not learning something new or just learning something that's what I want knowledge. Don't be to hard on yourself man were all humans and we all crave connection.
     
    Barry likes this.
  14. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Barry, I lost a cousin to a brain aneurysm also, she told her husband she had a headache and was going to take a nap, she never woke up. Not expected at 41. These sudden situations shake us to the core. I was warned that my husband may not bounce back this time, was warned that before, he always did, so it was a shock when he didn't. We would have had our 30th anniversary this September. We dated for 7 years. But just as you and Peg, we were inseparable, it was so easy none of those dating games.

    Give yourself a break, and don't think about it either way. Go on some dog walks, grab a cup off coffee together then maybe lunch, then see what happens. If anything you'll make a friend, and friends are always good to have, or something more may come of it. As Jonathan said we all crave connection, I'll add we all crave acceptance too. I think no matter what the timing is the first relationship is going to be confusing, I've heard some people say they feel as if they're cheating and have tremendous guilt. We've been pushed into a new reality, I'm hopeful I think just the wanting to be happy again is a good sign.
     
    Barry and ainie like this.
  15. Barry

    Barry Well-Known Member

    Thanks man for saying that. It's just a hard weekend for me. Remembering all the Memorial day weekends of the past. This year I'm home alone. I don't watch tv much either. Can't watch anything I used to watch with Peg. Peace.
     
  16. Barry

    Barry Well-Known Member


    Thank you for saying that! You're pretty close to exactly where I am. Gonna have coffee and lunch with her today in her backyard. I'm not wanting anymore than just a woman to be nice to and a woman who likes me. It'll make me happy if I can just make her smile and maybe laugh. Peace. Have a nice weekend!
     
  17. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Barry, enjoy your weekend too! Coffee and lunch sounds like a great start. I'm going to try movie night tonight at my house, last week we tried a movie at his place and I had a mini meltdown, nothing bad, but I just decided to leave early. He was very understanding, he knows that my husband was ill for sometime and the details of his passing. Right now, all I can do is get my head around is being friends. Unlike you I was a caretaker for several years and while I wish I were still in the role for my husband, I'm not ready to answer to anyone right now. Most days are good, but like you sadness or some type of emotion hits. I'm unreliable now, I'll make plans because it sounds good at the time and then cancel when the day comes. Many people don't understand the ride we're on.

    Allow yourself whatever it is that you need, all of us on here need to do this.
     
    Barry and ainie like this.
  18. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Barry, so how was lunch/coffee?
     
  19. Barry

    Barry Well-Known Member

    I bought some flowers from the grocery store and brought them. She was smiling and happy so that made me happy. I almost didn't go at the last minute. It was nice to talk but I did get a little too far into a Peg story and welled up some tears. That was awkward. All in all she's not the woman I thought/wanted her to be and I'm still so much in love with Peg but we can be friends and I can make her smile. That really feels good! Idk what I'm doing. Just one day at a time and keeping out of trouble I guess. Being alone scares me. I know I have to learn how to do that. Peg was so good for me. I was spoiled and didn't even know it. I guess I thought I could replace her and get that back. IMPOSSIBLE! Like I said, idk what I'm doing. I won't be taken advantage of tho. I know that!
     
  20. Barry

    Barry Well-Known Member


    So how was movie night?