LOOKING FOR A GRIEF GROUP? General Grief Support Tuesday June 15 at 2 pm EST - JOIN US!

How do I possibly go on? lost my husband of 25 yrs. 3 weeks ago

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Wendyb, Mar 2, 2021.

  1. 1Longstem

    1Longstem Member

    Hi - I can feel your sadness - it’s been a year & 5 months since I lost my husband of 33 years - he was 62 when he died of liver cancer - he died 5 days after my 65 birthday - he died sept 27th 2019 it’s still very hard- & I had to move cause I couldn’t afford the dream house we had built - I had to downsize - my life seems still very empty - we were together for 35 years - we met in 1984 & married in 1986 - a lifetime ago - he was my world but I know he would want me to b happy - so I tell myself each & every day I must continue on - I believe that I will see him again when God calls me from this journey
     
    LinF and Jackson (Charlie) like this.
  2. Jstme

    Jstme Guest

     
  3. Jstme

    Jstme Guest

    I understand I lost my wife suddenly in Aug 2020, even thou she had lung cancer, she passed away fast and I was holding her, I’m sorry for your loss.
     
  4. Thank you for sharing your story. Rarely have I come across men who love their wives the way I do, and so when I lost my Lisa, it was hard for me to imagine finding men who could possibly begin to understand my loss. Thank you for setting the record straight, for sharing from your heart, and for giving hope to men who have lost not only their wife, but their best friend and essentially life long partner. I hope I ca be as much an inspiration to others as you have been to me in the less than 24 hours I have been on this site.
     
  5. Wendy,
    It looks like you have received a lot of great advice and support from people who loved their spouse with all their heart, but lost them after a lifetime of love and what seemed to be an eternity of suffering. I am still in the “crying my eyes out” stage unless I am focused on something that needs to be done that has nothing to do with my wife, Lisa. I lost her on 3/14 after 2+ years fighting cancer. Anything that remotely reminds me of her (like tomatoes) will set off another waterfall. So for now, I am trying to balance being productive doing unrelated work, processing my grief through tears. I can appreciate your words to live by, and will post this along with the prayer found earlier in this discussion. It sounds like your husband would want you to find your purpose in this new part of your life, and go after it with everything you’ve got. Hopefully, you can draw strength from others who have survived this longer than either of us, and thrived.
     
  6. I can’t imagine how painful it was to not be able to be with your best friend in those last days. I am sorry for your loss and the way you had to suffer. My loss was recent as well, 3/14/21, after 42 years of being best friends. I remember when I was finishing medical school, and she was finishing undergrad, we would work together all weekend at the flea market to make ends meet. And later, when I would leave m practice early to go help her at her Hallmark Store, my colleagues would say, you could make more money at the office. But we loved being together, and would have spent all day every day if we had it our way. I loved going on buying trips with her, and we’d leave the kids with her Mom for a few days. We’d work 12-16 hour days, but it was a vacation because we got to be together. Now, every time I try to sort through her things, or even clan out the cupboard, I am reminded of her loving ways. Especially when I see things that she got for me or I got for her, because we didn’t particularly care for those things ourselves. And I have to stop and have a cry. The stories of others on this site are a great encouragement to me. It proves that there are people out there that have loved as deeply, grieved as painfully as I, and are beginning to wake up from this dreadful nightmare of loss and despair. So hold on, reach out, a keep sharing your story. It seems it can be therapy for you, and help to others going through their own loss.
    .
     
    LinF likes this.
  7. ‘Erick,
    My heart goes out to you. I lost my wife and best friend of 42 years on 3/14/21. Even though we had 42 years together, I felt robbed of all the things we had planned and hoped for that were left undone, so I can only imagine how it feels to suffer your loss at your age. I hope you can gain some strength and hope from others on this site, and can find a renewed purpose for the next chapter of your life. It may sound corny, but I have to believe there is something else that I need to accomplish on this earth, even without my better half. I hope you can find some peace in knowing that your wife knew she was loved, and she would want you to find meaning and peace, and even happiness in the months and years to come.
    Although it is not my story, my nurse was 23 with two children, 3 and 1, when her husband was killed instantly when a tree fell on his truck as he was driving their infant home. Somehow, she has managed to survive and thrive, as she has raised both of those kids alone, now 16 and 18. And along the way, she has been able to minister to/help many people as she continues to work as a nurse. Her strength and resilience has been an inspiration for me to go on doing what I can to Eli people who come across my path. Keep reaching out when you need support until you get through this living nightmare, and I pray for peace for you and your family.
     
  8. Loki17

    Loki17 New Member

    Hi Wendy, my name is Bonnie. I am very new to this group. I lost my husband of 37 years after a horrible struggle with ALS. He passed away in July, 2018. I joined this group because after 2 & 1/2 years, I am still processing parts of the loss. But overall, I am healing.

    I am very sorry for your loss. I understand the feelings of loss you are expressing. I want you to know that "it".... the feelings of despair, grief, anger, and being lost, WILL eventually get better, bit by bit. Your grief is still raw and very painful. The loss you are feeling is so overwhelming, and I am certain at times you feel like you are walking thru a fog and hoping it is a dream. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you need to feel. After awhile, you will need to find ways to reconnect with the world. The biggest advice I can give you is one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. And breathe.......
     
    LinF and Jackson (Charlie) like this.
  9. Phyl58

    Phyl58 New Member

    I just lost my husband of almost 27 years, age 60 to COVID 3/12. I relate to what you said. Feeling empty, broken, distraught. He was so very healthy. Brought him to the hospital one month ago today. Didn't think that was the last time I'd ever see him. All the paperwork, phone calls, etc. and to have to do all this and work and grieve is unbearable. I cry and cry and then I'm okay for a little bit and the littlest thing can be a trigger. I think of everything in the future as well: how will I do this or that? We have a son we adopted after his birthparents died so he tries to be supportive and I do for him too but we just don't know what to say to each other. Thankfully, he lives just a few blocks away and comes over and has dinner (I just started cooking this week) and stays and talks and watches tv with me for a few hours. He helps do things around the house that my hubby did and that I cannot do. Hate to be a burden to him but he assures me that I'm not. Friends say they don't know what to say. Well, I don't know what to do. And everyone tells me to take it day by day. Well, there are times it's minute by minute for me. And to think I'll never have him hold my hand, kiss me, tell me about his day, hear his voice, etc. is horribly hard. Forever is a long time to be this way. I've read about how some wives die shortly after their husbands and I do want to live but I just don't know how. Went to get ice today and cried. He always made the ice. Simple stuff.
     
    LinF likes this.
  10. Phyl58

    Phyl58 New Member

    Lost my hubby of almost 27 years, age 60 to COVID 3/12 I still cannot believe this is real. How do you find peace? I take solace in the fact the Dr. told me he died peacefully. Brought him to the hospital a month ago today and never thought it'd be the last time I saw him. I don't know about ever finding joy or happiness again. Right now, it feels like it would be disrespectful to my Steve.
     
    LinF likes this.
  11. Wendyb

    Wendyb Member

    I want to thank everyone who responded to this thread. I read each and every post and I’m so very thankful for the kindness, compassion . I’m so sorry for all the losses we’ve all had to endure. I’d love to hug you all. Your words of strength and encouragement is exactly what I need to hear everyday. I haven’t been able to post sooner...just trying to keep it together even at this 2 month mark. I wish I could report it has been easier but to be honest I feel it’s almost worse. The “ it’s not happening “ stage has ended. No longer am I in denial ..the full impact of his absence is felt. I wonder some days how this new life will ever bring me happiness again. Then I think of my husband...what would he say to me. He always wanted the best for me. He said my love of life and laughter made him so happy. So...I know what he would say after giving me a great big hug. He would want me to carry on, find happiness and purpose in all the little things..like caring for his tomato garden, that would be first..... learning new things, take the challenge of trying to fill his shoes around our property and house. BIG shoes to fill. Anything at all...as long as I’m trying, he would be proud. With the summer almost here, just the season change has me crying all the time again.. I just miss him so so much. It just isn’t the same on my own...but I’ll keep trying. Hopefully I’ll have better news on my next post. Wishing you all healing thoughts from afar. Let’s just all keep going....please keep in touch , I’d love to know how everyone here is doing . My ears and heart are open to listen.
     
    LinF likes this.
  12. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    You are in the same situation, especially with the garden and spring time here. I'm having tears every day.

    It's been 5 months since my hubby died and it's not getting better, but worse. Since he was a landscaper I see all his shrubs, trees, flowers budding and it makes me so sad. I've had to hire a guy to help me keep his garden and our property cleaned up.

    Yes, all of us keep going on.
     
    LinF likes this.
  13. Phyl58

    Phyl58 New Member

    I feel your pain as I have the same thing. Steve loved to garden: veggies, flowers, etc. and I don't have a love of it nor a green thumb. He died 3/12 and as the therapist calls it, I am dealing with "the business of death". The paperwork and phone calls. They are lessening and more grief has taken their place. More free time=even more grieving. I am Catholic but struggle with is Steve up there heartbroken missing me like I'm missing him? I have a nun friend who told me they have no negative emotions, he just knows that I'll join him in heaven some day. There is no sense of time and he is in paradise; has everything he'd ever want or need. But, he doesn't have me nor do I have him in the physical sense. Doing life without him Wendyb is so very hard for me. I feel guilty if I catch myself laugh at something. He made me so very happy and I don't want him feeling oh I'm gone but she's laughing. I'm not happy at all. Nor do I expect to be but how do I go on? And on to what? The silense is deafening. I miss him, his hugs, his jokes, his kisses, his love, and the list goes on. Knowing this is forever, I come undone. Sometimes things trigger me to tears and other times the same things don't. I'm told that's normal. Was so proud of myself that I've gone to the drugstore and didn't cry. That was something Steve always did or we'd be there together. We did everything together so to go anywhere sets me off. Our son who lives locally comes over each night and we eat and spend time together which is a blessing. He wants to go out together on Sundays for short day trips around the state. I feel odd doing it because it's not with my husband. But, I'm still here so I guess God wants me to live. And, because my husband died of COVID, it complicates my grief. I had a mild case but he died. 2 years ago none of us knew the term COVID. He was a strong, healthy man. I had the best. He lived his life to make mine happier and easier. And, now without him, my life is a million % harder. We were the stereotypical 50's couple even though he was just 60 and I'm 62. He was the breadwinner, took care of the outside, house repairs, health insurance as it was through his job, etc. I cooked, cleaned, make all his meals, got up with him most mornings before he went to work, etc. He was laid off from a 33 year career when they closed years ago. He worked temp jobs til landing an amazing career again. He has 2-3 day weekends because he worked what they call 9/80 time. You work 80 hours in 9 days. So, I'd say to him do you think we have all this extra time together because something is going to happen to one of us. No, he'd say. It's just the new job's schedule. I am very grateful for all the time together. We would've been married 27 years last Friday and it was also the day he was gone 4 weeks. Our son, who we adopted after his birthparents died insisted we do Easter. Saying it'd be even harder if we waited til next year. I was ok somewhat til I said the blessing and on holidays I always add "God bless the souls of those who've gone before us" and I lost it! Knowing he was a part of that group. Life will never be the same. I feel like I know I've already lived the best days of my life. Without him, what is the meaning?
     
    LinF likes this.
  14. Wendyb

    Wendyb Member

    Phyl58 ..our lives with our husbands were so similar , like your Steve, my husband Gord also lived to make my life happier and easier. Those words resonated with me because we were so lucky to have such loving beautiful souls as partners. We are the same age and married almost the same amount of years. We’re both newly into this grief and like you I know I’ve lived the best days of my life as well. How could my new life even remotely come close to the contentment of my life lived with my husband. He made me feel safe, loved and truly happy. Gord recently retired so we had so many plans for our property this spring. We were so looking forward to a great summer even with Covid because our projects were something we could do together while staying home and keeping safe. Now I look around not knowing where to begin. I know he would want me to do the things we planned but the joy has gone and it just doesn’t seem to matter. Oh this is a tough road to travel. Not a road I wanted to travel ever nor one we could foresee last summer. The heartbreak is unreal. Just unbearable at times. I know from reading other stories on this thread that we will come to terms with our losses , that we will find some degree of happiness again , we will find purpose and we will make it through. We just need to ride the hills and valleys of this road for a while longer and even though we’re reluctant to do so, ( it really hurts ) it will smooth out eventually. Your 1 month in and I’m 2 months in. This is difficult, scary and an unfamiliar path , I know. . Sending you strength and the endurance to go day by day. My prayers are with you all.
     
    LinF likes this.
  15. Phyl58

    Phyl58 New Member

    I am here for you my friend. If you want to reach out, feel free. I am on facebook. Our wedding picture is there. Thanks for writing.
     
  16. Cdavis

    Cdavis Member

    Oh my gosh, I feel your pain. My husband just passed in December. We were married for 46 years. I pray a special blessing of comfort over you!
     
  17. I don't know if this would be a help for you, but I have been emailing and/or texting with a few widows/widowers this week following a meeting by a group called GriefShare. It was moderated by an associate pastor who does a lot of funerals, and he was looking for a better way to minister to those in mourning. I have been amazed by my improved outlook, mood, ability to cope with stressors, and ability to maintain composure while sharing my love story about Lisa to others willing to listen. I have slept better and even though the house is still empty, and the hole in my heart has not healed, I wake up with a little more motivation to move on. I think the accountability of it all is helpful, because the people you are accountable to (on a daily basis), are also people who have lost as you have, as opposed to well-meaning people who don't really have a clue regarding the depth of your pain. Perhaps a group meeting is not a prerequisite for this type of remote accountability on a regular basis, but it probably helps to have met the person and seen them react in a public setting.
     
    LinF likes this.
  18. Cdavis

    Cdavis Member

    I have been going to grief share and it has helped me a lot. I still have days where I feel that my heart is breaking but I know that with God I can take one step at a time.
     
  19. LinF

    LinF Member

    I can so relate to your pain. I wish I could believe I'll ever come out on the other side of this devastation. I lost my husband a week ago. We were together 20 years and it seems like yesterday when we met. He was diabetic and had so many issues because of it (heart failure, hypotension, kidney cancer) as well as COPD that every time he got sick he was in the hospital for at least a week. He was in dialysis and he didn't feel well a lot of the time. COVID took what life we had because it would have been fatal for him, so we holed up in the house for a year and tried to stay positive. He was so excited when I got my shot, and even more so when he finally had an appointment himself. I had gotten used to doing everything around the house, but taking care of him was a privilege. He never complained, he always worried about me doing too much, and seeing his face still set my heart on fire. The circumstances of this last hospital stay haunt me daily because I feel the hospital was negligent, but nothing can bring him back to me. We were two broken souls with so much pain from our failed marriages, but we saw something in each other that told us to try again. It was a miracle, but I only got to have him with me a short while. My life is over as far as I can see, and there's a hole in my soul that can never be filled. You have a sister right here.
     
  20. Wendyb

    Wendyb Member

    Hi Lin....omg, I’m am so so sorry for the loss of your husband. I am 2 and half months in now but I remember week 1 with with clarity. Never a fog as many people here experience in their first weeks. The pain was intense, my heart pounding ,the fear of going forward alone and never ending tears among so many other emotions . I’m not going to lie, I still cry everyday . Our love was magical just like you and husband and I miss him and our life together all of the time. I will say this, although the pain and enormous loss is still with me everyday, it has eased up a little bit. Just a little bit. That is a tiny bit of progress towards healing I think. Our road will be a long one to some resemblance of recovery but I believe we will get through this eventually. Your pain is so intense right now just as mine was thus my post heading for this thread “ how do I possibly go on “ . I was so lost too Lin . Still am but these past couple of weeks I am able to cross off more stuff on my to do list then I thought possible the first month. It’s still hard, we didn’t have kids so I’m alone most of the time with my thoughts that could keep in a dark place forever if I allow it. I won’t allow that. Our husbands always wanted us to be happy, it’s what made them happy. My husband Gord would be devastated if he thought I didn’t try to find my way back to living my life with peace in my heart. I’m trying and I think my husband would be proud of me.I came to this site to find out how others go on and their progress along the way. It comforts me to know I can go here for inspiration and strength. Lord knows we can all use that. I know it’s almost unbearable right now but keep going my friend...we’re all here for each other every step of the way.
     
    Jackson (Charlie) and LinF like this.