LOOKING FOR A GRIEF GROUP? General Grief Support Tuesday June 15 at 2 pm EST - JOIN US!

How do I possibly go on? lost my husband of 25 yrs. 3 weeks ago

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Wendyb, Mar 2, 2021.

  1. Wendyb

    Wendyb Member

    Hello, I lost my husband 3 weeks ago after a brief battle with Metastasized kidney cancer to the brain. He was home for a week for end of life. The most excruciating loss . I can hardly breathe some days. We were married 25 years and I always called him my dream husband. We were so happy. I honestly don’t know how to stop my brain from scanning our entire life minute to minute.No matter how erratic it may seem I call out his name to please come home. Our house feels so quiet and empty. I’m not sure where I belong ...nowhere feels cozy anymore and the house just feels enormous. I’m 62 and I feel this will be my life til the day I die. Omg....how will this work. I’m a mess.
     
    LinF and Jackson (Charlie) like this.
  2. Songman

    Songman Well-Known Member

    I weep with you and for you. There is nothing that can prepare you for this void in your soul. Keep reaching out.


    Our Story

    Janet and Bill

    My Beloved wife Janet lost her earthly battle against brain cancer on October 18th, 2019 at 8:40 in the morning. I was at her side, as I was every minute of every day for over a year. Janet was the bravest, and most caring human being that I have ever known. Despite all the pain and physical challenges she faced every day, she was always more concerned about how I was doing. Are you OK? was always the first thing out of her mouth every morning. She knew she was dying with no hope of recovery, but she always put my welfare first.


    If, with your permission I can now turn back the clock to January of 2019, I will continue with OUR story.

    Janet started having problems with her balance early in January and would fall on occasion. After several trips to the emergency room, she was finally examined by an on-duty brain surgeon who ordered an immediate CT-scan. They discovered a rapidly growing tumor near the area of the brain that controls sight. She had been having a lot of problems with her peripheral vision, and they had to be extra careful if any surgeries were planned, because of the risk for blindness. Despite the danger and because of the urgency, surgery was scheduled the next morning. They drilled a hole in the back of Janet’s skull and tried to carefully vacuum out the cancer. They failed to get it all, due to the close proximity of the vision area of the brain and the tumor. They then tried radiation treatments (5 days a week for 16 weeks). At this point we still had a glimmer of hope, which was soon dashed when, after the radiation treatments, we were told there were no other pathways to a successful result, and my beloved Soulmate Janet was going to die... There was nothing we could do now but to accept what they predicted.

    We were then transferred to hospice care and I assumed the role of full-time caretaker, but she could, at least, stay at home. After a few weeks Doctors decided that Janet should go on 24-hour bedrest with a catheter and all (she hated that catheter) At that point, I had lost 50 pounds, and my clothes no longer fit, but Hospice still allowed me to move into Janet’s room and to sleep in a chair that folded out into a makeshift bed so I could continue to be close to her 24/7.

    When I was caring for Janet at home, she slept in a recliner in our living room, and I crashed within arm’s length of her on the corner of the couch next to her chair, so I could be available to help her to the bathroom, or if she needed assistance for anything. I never left her side nor did I want to. Her nearness gave me strength. The Hospice volunteers and staff became our family. I will be forever grateful for their kindness. As time passed, it became more difficult for Janet to chew and swallow her food, so I had to cut up her food and spoon feed her, and eventually, she could only eat pudding or yogurt. I will never forget the grateful look in her eyes when I fed her. That look is one of my most cherished memories. Janet has contacted me since she passed, and I feel her presence often, and her reactions to unseen entities has inspired me to write several songs. She has mentored me from beyond this physical life every single day, and I know I will be with her again when my time on earth is over. The day I first met her was the luckiest day of my life.

    We listened to music together all the time.” Adagio for Strings” by Samuel Barber and Donny Hathaway’s “A Song for You” played while she died. I love and miss her so much it’s impossible to describe. I have learned to exist without her, but I still grieve the loss of US/WE as a pair. I wouldn’t be writing this if not for music, and the written word which saved me. (Thank you Joanie)



     
    Jackson (Charlie) likes this.
  3. Songman

    Songman Well-Known Member

     
    Jackson (Charlie) likes this.
  4. Songman

    Songman Well-Known Member

     
    Jackson (Charlie) likes this.
  5. Wendyb

    Wendyb Member

    Thank you Songman..I’m so so sorry the agony you’ve had to endure. Honestly your story is so similar to my story. Thank you for sharing. If I may..I’ll tell you some of my story. September of 2020, my husband Gord and I were boating on our lake as we had done a thousand times before when suddenly he stopped the boat and didn’t know where he was. I pointed in the direction but he didn’t see me point. The doctor the next day set up a brain scan. She suspected his Peripherall vision seemed to be gone in both eyes on the right side. To our shock he had 3 brain lesions and not operable. We did the radiation and told us he would probably live for years. After putting him on dexamethasone, they sent us home. After going through some pretty serious falls he lost the use of his legs in November. He had become bedridden and I was full time caregiver from that moment on. Because of Covid there were no PSW or nurses available until Late January. He was like your Janet. Always worried about me but like you I cared for him with enormous love and many nights zero sleep. He started hallucinating every night around midnight and this usually went till the wee hours. It was his brain. His hallucinations were distressing for him so I was there to comfort him no matter what. He wanted to go to his next life. He was a strong man with so much energy and loved working. Being bedridden in all regards was distressing him terribly. He was ready, He died January 9th 2021 with me holding onto him tight. I didn’t want to let go. I wanted to go with him. It has been just him and I our whole life. Sure we had friends but we preferred just it being the two of us . We always had fun and we loved each other so much. So here I am...alone and feeling scared. Not sure why ...our home was out refuge but all of it , this big house, my feelings of utter devastation, my future without him all feels like a scary place to be. I know you know how much I miss him. I do still wish he’d come home.Maybe somehow he can even for just a minute. Thank you for listening.
     
    LinF and Jackson (Charlie) like this.
  6. Songman

    Songman Well-Known Member

    You are right, our stories are very similar, and horrible. It will be two years in October that Janet left this earth, and I still miss her terribly every day. There will be triggers that will elicit unbidden tears out of nowhere, and even the most mundane chores will set me off. Janet and I were much like you and Gord. We preferred doing things together. Even grocery shopping. We just preferred to spend time with each other. Like you, we were married 25 years when she got sick.
    You will learn to survive, but it will be a long tough road. You need to find something to occupy your mind. For me it was songwriting. My Hospice Grief counselor
    Joanie got me started on that, and I believe she saved my life by doing so. I've published three songs as tributes to Janet, and as relief to me..
    I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but I'll pray for you. Janet visits me at night, and we talk. I'm not crazy, it's true.

    Bill
     
    Jackson (Charlie) likes this.
  7. Songman

    Songman Well-Known Member

    (16) William Lathrop - YouTube
     
    Jackson (Charlie) likes this.
  8. Kita

    Kita New Member

    I lost my husband of 50 years in nov. We had known each other since7th grade. We worked together and did everything together. Our only son lives thousands of miles apart, I miss him so much and want to be with him. I am rudderless.
     
  9. Kita

    Kita New Member

    My husband had prostate cancer stage 4. He took meds and then had radiation. The radiation gave him bladder cancer stage 4. So he had surgery removing his prostate, bladder and urethra. Had a really tough time at the hospital. He was released yto a nursing home for rehab. In there I could not visit him. Then he got covid. They put him on palliative care. I was allowed to be with him one hour, all gowned up. He died later, alone. That was nov 11 2020. I am totally lost without him. We worked together and walked and read together. I have no family near and our son lives thousand of miles away. I am lost and disconsolate. Have lost lots of weight and don't want to eat. We were married 50 years.
     
    Jackson (Charlie) likes this.
  10. Songman

    Songman Well-Known Member

    I shed tears with you and for you as you confront the most difficult period of your life. Please keep reaching out.
     
    Jackson (Charlie) likes this.
  11. Kita

    Kita New Member

    Had a difficult evening. Had to move some of my husband`s stuff to make house repairs. It renewed the grief.
     
    Jackson (Charlie) likes this.
  12. Mitziemaud

    Mitziemaud Member

     
  13. Mitziemaud

    Mitziemaud Member

    Hello
    I’m so very sorry for your loss. My heart hurt reading your post and I couldn’t help but tear up. I lost my husband of 33 years last April. I felt like my soul and world had exploded and that I would never find peace or hope again. There were moments where I would feel like ok maybe I can live, but than that would be followed by a wave of such sadness that I felt silly that I thought I could live. Everybody told me that there would be waves of grief. They were right. I felt so sad that I would look at my grandchildren and not feel the joy I used to feel when I looked at them. It helps to vent in a safe place like this forum. They also grief groups out there. I did a couple of zoom ones. It doesn’t take the pain away, but I think it helps to know we are not alone. I’ve been feeling flashes of hope for the past month. I didn’t think that could be possible. But it’s a little easier for me to do a task then it had been. And I talked to my granddaughter the other day and I felt a little happy. I almost forgot what that was like. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. And again I’m so very sorry for your loss and so very sorry that you have to go through this.
     
    Jackson (Charlie) likes this.
  14. Erick

    Erick New Member

    My name is Erick I’m having a hard time my wife passed away February 5 2021 after a 15 month battle with aml leukemia at the age of 40 years old .We were together 16 years two kids 11-13 and she had one which I raised 21 years old .I feel lost after the burial it’s been downhill for me I do what I have to do for my kids because they depend on me .She was first diagnosed with aml on dec 25 2019 after a normal blood work routine no signs no symptoms.That same day was rushed to the hospital because her blood work showed she had 80 percent blast in her blood which is leukemia cancer .She went on to receive chemotherapy got into remission cancer free and on June 4 2020 she had a transplant at Sloan Kettering nyc.At the end of October cancer came back transplant had failed she had relapsed.Was put on a clinical trail and it worked until middle of January if it had worked she would have been receiving another transplant in the third week of February but she never made it .When the trial stopped working every thing went bad real fast and in the end it was to much for her .I was with her the night before she died we all still had hope faith and believe she was going to make it .On February 5 as I was getting ready to go see her the doctor called that her stop beating they had brought back her beat back 20 minutes later he called again that she was gone that this time no heart beat .I living life but I’m not there I deal with ptsd,anxiety,stress etc it’s all to much sometimes I don’t know how have I made it through these days it’s been difficult and continues to get harder most of the time .My heart and soul are in pain I don’t understand life and have so many questions I watched the love of my life struggle emotionally mentally physically and at the end it was just to much I miss her .
     
    Jackson (Charlie) likes this.
  15. Dee Kay

    Dee Kay Active Member

    So very sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you, this is not easy and at 3 weeks it's so raw for you. I cannot believe that it's been 10 months for me, I honestly don't know how I've made it this long. Every day I miss my husband, every day I cry but the rawness has eased up a bit. My husband and I were best friends, we were together for 30 years, I'm now alone in my house as well. Everything you've said, everything you're feeling is the normal process of grief, there is no easy way to get through this. I read somewhere that to we who grieve deeply loved deeply and I think that's true. Just take it one hour at a time, one day at a time.
     
    LinF and Jackson (Charlie) like this.
  16. Dee Kay

    Dee Kay Active Member

    Erick, so very sorry, this is so recent and raw for you. My husband was sick before he passed, I watched him deteriorate and it was so painful, he was 54. What all of us have gone through whether we've watched our person get sicker or it happened quickly is shocking to our system. I believe for the first 3 months you are in shock and fog. I didn't understand life and had so many questions like why, just simply why? I spent the last year reading different religious books, books on what happens when we pass, etc to understand where my husband went, how could he just be gone? I'm not a religious person but I've decided to just keep talking to my husband as if he can hear me, it's the only way I could get through the last 10 months. You've been through so much, I truly feel your pain. My only advise is to tell you that it will get better eventually, the rawness will lesson but you will always miss your wife.
     
  17. Wendyb

    Wendyb Member

    So many of us going through the pain at different stages but I guess the despair in time will dissipate little by little. This is so recent for me so I look to your stories in hopes I will learn that it does in fact get a little easier. Right now I’m still feeling like this just can’t be happening, the ocean welling up behind my eyes every time I think of my sweet husband. I feel quilty I didn’t thank him for the best years I will ever have , the strength, comfort and guidance he lovingly provided among a thousand other special qualities that I miss so very much. I know he knew and over the years I told him how much I appreciated him but I just wish I could have told him one last time. He was able to give me some advice. He told me to be strong, to be a fighter and to eventually find peace with this NEW life. He wanted the best for me. So, this maybe some words to live by for me. [ I promise to find hope through this heartache, to find joy through this sadness, to find strength through this incredible weakness, to live freely and bravely even when I’m really scared, to try and make the most of my days to live in a way that would make you proud. } I will try....I just need a little more time to gather up that courage. I m still feeling like a lost lamb. Healing thoughts go out to every one of you .sending you strength.
     
    LinF and Jackson (Charlie) like this.
  18. Mitziemaud

    Mitziemaud Member

     
  19. Mitziemaud

    Mitziemaud Member

    Erick
    I’m so very sorry for your loss. You’ve been through so much. It’s understandable that you are struggling. You obviously loved your wife very much, as I can see all the people here do who have posted. It’s so very difficult to go though this, but I feel so inspired by the love people have shared for their spouses. As somebody said here...the deeper the love, the deeper the grief. There is obviously so much love here. I realize now how blessed I was to have my husband in my life. I learned so much being married to him. And he taught me so much too. He was a big believer in living life to the fullest. I’m not anywhere near that. But I’m hoping one day, I’ll at least get a little better at it. He would tell me not to think about all that and just so the next right thing in front of me. And sometimes that’s just me brushing my teeth or walking my dog. Sending hugs and prayers to all here.
     
    LinF and Jackson (Charlie) like this.
  20. 1Longstem

    1Longstem Member