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How do I live?

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by Michelle H, Aug 12, 2018.

  1. Michelle H

    Michelle H New Member

    I just lost the love of my life on August 4th. He was only 42 and his heart just gave out. Ever since the moment the hospital staff said there was nothing else they could do, I feel like I've been stuck in one spot. The world spins around me and I'm just here. I've been going through the motions of everyday life, caring for our 3 children, but I don't know or maybe I'm too scared to move from this spot. I've barely eaten or slept in a week. Yesterday was his final visitation, the last time I'll ever see his face or touch him. I know in my mind I have to go on, I've got my kids depending on me to be strong, but how do I live without him? Everything in our home has a memory attached to it. I don't feel like I will ever get the chance to grieve like I want. I love that man with everything in me, and now he's gone. I'm worried about making or having money, because I was the stay at home parent. We had no savings, no insurance, and I had to get help from the community, just to be able to lay him to rest. He truly was my other half and I don't think I'll ever feel whole again.
     
  2. Ophelia

    Ophelia New Member

    Hello. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my true love and wonderful companion on August 10th. We (you and I) share many factors -- a very quick loss, a relatively young age (my partner was in his forties as well), being surrounded everywhere with things that remind me of him (which is sometimes lovely, but often heart wrenching as well), financial concerns, etc. I also have a child to be with. And I know it is quite a recent loss for both of us, but I, too, love the man I lost with every ounce of my being -- I still talk to him during the day, send him an email most nights about what I am thinking, and find it incredibly hard to imagine losing this deep ache and searing pain. I know many friends and family may say "just give it time," etc., but surviving this does not seem possible at this point, and most friends (thankfully) did not/will not lose their partners at such a young age. Losing a grandparent or other beloved family member is of course awful, but there is something far different in unexpectedly losing the loved one you chose to be with -- not by relation, but by pure choice based on affection, passion, companionship, shared interests and beliefs, and on and on. I share many of your feelings.
     
  3. Michele Wood

    Michele Wood Well-Known Member

    I lost my partner of 18 years on June 30 when he suffered sudden cardiac arrest and just died right in front of me. Of course, I cal l ed 911 and hoped for the best. But he was w/o oxygen for too long and his brain died. He was on life support for 6 days until a transplant team could harvest his organs.

    The thing that gets me is o ne. minute he was talking to me and the next he passed out and his face turned purple blue. It was profoundly shocking. I don't think I will ever get that image out of my head. This is my fifth close family memb e r to die at home. It seems I am destined to either be an orphan or continually search for new partners
     
  4. Michelle H

    Michelle H New Member

    I lost Danny almost the same way. I woke up and found him passed out on the bathroom floor, called paramedics. When they got here, they said he had a strong pulse but he was in full arrest when he arrived at the hospital and after over 30 minutes of trying to revive his heart, they couldn't. I just don't understand why my life has to be so hard! I lost my partner when I was 18 to suicide and was in a dark place until I met Danny. We healed from past pain together. Now I'm starting to wonder if maybe I'm just not supposed to have love in my life except for my children.
     
  5. Michele Wood

    Michele Wood Well-Known Member

    I too lost my FIRST partner to suicide only he was 52 and had been an alcohol ic for 20 years. He poisoned himself by drinking rubbing alcohol, something he had done a few times. Robert and I had a mostly good life for the next 18 years. Robert's type of cardiac arrest was called PEA, short for pulseless electrical activity. It is not amenable to the defibrillator. It turned into asystole, which is a flatline. He had a 2 percent chance of surviving.

    I am now 58 and you'd think I would get used to it by now. I haven't. When I was younger, I used to think people my age would have an easier time dealing with death because they had all those years with their loved one. Wrong! It is never easy whether you're 21 or 58. Intellectually I know I will get better, but it does not help my emotions right now.

    Therapy, whether group or individual, is the best answer. Grief HAS TO BE EXPRESSED. If it's not expressed, it stays within and turns into depression and other mental health conditions.
     
  6. Jeff123

    Jeff123 Member

    Hello I am sorry for your loss,I lost love of my life and best friend Michele to a brain aneurysm. Its not fair she was only 47,one minute we were talking and the next she was gone.I wish I could tell you it gets better but it has been 10 months and it has not.
     
  7. Michele Wood

    Michele Wood Well-Known Member

    I do not remember being this upset with my first partner's death. Maybe it is because I had time to prepare. Robert's death has profoundly affected me. He died in front of me and it was unexpected. I knew he would die before me because he had health problems. I just thought we would have 10 more years. We had pmana: to marry next year, move ti his hometown after buying another house and travelling. To see all those dreams end just like that and in front of me is hard to take. Our 18 years together were nor perfect but I loved him.
     
  8. Becka

    Becka Member

    Oh MICHELE I’m so sorry. Sounds much like my situation. My husband had a quadruple bypass 3 and a half years ago. Went back to work and did very well. We were married 18 years. He was 54 years of age when on July 4th I woke up and found him on the floor. It was too late for him. He had been gone for awhile. I guess during the night. I thought finding him was the worst but I think your situation would be more traumatic. It is hard to get the image out of your head. Some days it seems to stay with me. On his death certificate it was the same diagnosis. Sudden cardiac death and cardiomyopathy. I never thought anything could be so painful. It is the most gut wrenching pain I’ve ever experienced. Such a big void left inside me.
     
  9. Michele Wood

    Michele Wood Well-Known Member

    Robert had a triple bypass two years before dying at age 61. I think doctors have us lulled into thinking these bypasses will solve the heart issues but they are not. Did your husband's doctor ever warn of a possibility of cardiac arrest? I do not know if Robert was warned b/c even if he was, he would not tell me so that I would not worry.