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How do i live now?

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by Vsharma, Jun 15, 2021.

  1. Vsharma

    Vsharma Member

    On 17 April 2021 my younger brother told me over phone that he is having fever and headche. Being a doctor I knew it was covid I immediately started all the oral drugs and asked him to take covid rtpcr testing which came positive. For 7 days I monitored him over video call as I was in different state and myself working. His oxygen was ok but fever was not breaking so I decided to get him admitted to a nearby hospital on 8 th day. On 9th day his oxygen suddenly fell down and he was on oxygen support. I cried over phone and asked dr to save him and that I am taking flight ✈️and will reach tomorrow. Drs told me that don't worry.
    My brother was confident that m gonna save him but I couldn't, his condition deterioted, I was with him all the time in icu ,trying not to cry in front of him and giving him strength to recover when I myself knew that his condition is bad. We kept holding hands all night in icu, he was worried for me that I don't catch covid and I was for him. I thot atleast God will see our love and do some miracle but he didn't, ultimately my brother asked me to take him to other hospital. I wanted to give him chance to fight so I asked the team to get him sedated and intubated and took him to some other hospital but he didn't make it.
    I failed u my brother I am sorry
    I failed u mom dad I am sorry
    Sometime I think if I wouldn't have panicked when his oxygen suddenly dropped I would have focused on his treatment rather then my emotion. But I got scared and started crying over phone to other Dr to please save my brother.
    I asked God to please save my brother some how but no help came, God left it on me to save him. I am young doctor, I don't have many years of experience neither of medicine nor of life.
    I have rejoined my work now but I see his face in all my patients it's difficult to focus, I have accepted now that he lost his life because of me and waiting for my judgement in the court of God.
     
  2. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    I don't look at this that way at all. Unfortunately, these are the circumstances of living. God has a time table for all of us. You are not responsible for your brother's death. God is not holding you accountable because we can only do so much, because we are not God. Most likely you are the only one holding yourself responsible for his death. As a Dr. you have the skills to help people get well-but you cannot save everyone.
    I had the rug pulled out from under me when our 28 year old son committed suicide. I thought like you that you pray and God provides the answer--but sometimes the answer is not what we want. I know my son was also praying that he could leave this world because he was so tormented by his mental condition. He once told me never to question anything, even if something should happen to him, because we only see a very small piece of a large puzzle. When Shawn died the first thing I realized was that I didn't know anything. I thought I knew how the world worked, but I didn't. As Shawn said, "we can only see through a glass darkly". Our vision is very clouded. I decided to trust God. That doesn't mean it lessened the pain any-I was a long time becoming functional again. I just kept waiting for God to help me, and He did.
    God loves your brother more than you ever could, and you can rest assured that God wants the best for him. My husband said he was glad our son was not here to see how the world is deteriorating right before our eyes.
    If you feel you are at fault, God promises if we confess our sins to Him, He is faithful and just to forgive them. Please let God take this heavy burden off your shoulders. You are needed and guilt will put a stop to all that you could have accomplished. The Bible says that satan is the accuser. Don't listen to him. It is death itself that is the enemy, which came about in the first place due to a disobedience of Adam and Eve. God offered the tree of life, but they chose the way of death--and now we are all suffering the loss of loved ones because of it. God promises to once again restore the tree of life at the end of this age. God never intended for us to suffer this horrible tragedy of losing our loved ones. He wanted them to choose life so we would never have to experience the tragedy of death.
     
    Vsharma likes this.
  3. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    Hang on, be good, patient, and kind to yourself. You need to be built up, not torn down more than you already are because of this loss. We are here for you. Continue to share your true feelings on this site as you feel led to do so. We will definitely understand. We care about you. Stay in touch.
    Sending love...
    Chris
     
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  4. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    It isn't your fault your brother died. It was his time to leave earth. We don't have any control over this. Although I know this, I keep rehashing the circumstances of my husband's death, thinking there must have been something more I could have done, to convince the ER doctor in our local, community hospital, that my husband needed a much higher level of care than what they could provide.

    I know this isn't easy, I have trouble following my own advice, but please try to be gentle with yourself. I've only been a member here for a short time, but in the short time I've been here, I've finally found a place where I feel supported, I know everyone understands... I'm sorry you have to be here too, but I'm glad you found this site. Losing someone who you love with all your heart is the worst pain imaginable. I'm so very sorry for your loss... Sending lots of hugs, wishing you peace... DEB321
     
    Vsharma likes this.
  5. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    It is hard to stop rehashing events and thinking now of what you might have done. I certainly have done it , and still do with our other son, even knowing it will do no good. One day in my case, I came to realize the rehashing of events and how they should or could have been done differently or even shouldn't have been done at all, is my attempt to go back and change things so that my son would still be here. As much as we want to bring them back the awful reality is we don't have the power to do that. We have no control of the past or of what has happened to us. That's a very harsh reality to accept, but once we have accepted it, we can begin to move forward. Your losses are so very recent and fresh I can completely understand why your mind wants to do this. Peace to you and God bless you in your struggle...
     
    DEB321 likes this.
  6. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    Which one of us in our worst nightmare ever thought something as awful as this could happen to us?
     
  7. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    We always thought we would be comforting and feeling sorry for someone else besides us.
     
  8. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    The scriptures say: "Praise be to the God and Father of our LORD Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." I have found this to be true.
     
  9. Vsharma

    Vsharma Member

     
  10. Vsharma

    Vsharma Member

    I don't know how no single medicine helped him, no prayers helped him . ..
    Every possibly rare side effects he had of almost all medicines..
    I am unable to process this all
    It's true that a Dr should not involve in his family members treatment but it's difficult to ignore also when your young baby brother 26 year old is suffering and how I wished that I should have been at his place God... He had so much of trust on me which I couldn't keep. .. There are so many experimental drug testing going on for this covid and when I paniced knowing that his oxygen has suddenly detriotated he was given a new drug which I too didn't had any knowledge..
    His condition never stabilised
    His fever never broke
    His oxygen never improved
    And God involved me in all of this
     
  11. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    When we lost our son to suicide, I went to see a counselor. One day, I told him I wasn't mad at God or questioning God, but I was wondering why Shawn's death happpened like this. The counselor told me sometimes we don't get an answer to our questions and then stopped to pray with me. I did get an answer to my question. I remembered how during his extreme suffering and anguish Jesus prayed, " “Father, if You are willing, take this cup from Me. Yet not My will, but Yours be done.” He was in such anguish that his sweat became like drops of blood falling to the ground. Yet God did not change His circumstances-because there was no other way for man's sins to be removed. There was no other way to fulfill God's desire to help human beings. I felt like God was telling me it was okay to ask if there wasn't some other way this situation in my life could have been done. I realized it had to be done this way for a reason. I am now trying to fulfill that reason by trying to help others, such as you, during their greatest anguish by helping them turn to God for the strength and peace they so desperately need.
    God is working out a good purpose in your life even though, like a construction site looks like a disaster and sometimes people even get hurt there, but something beautiful is actually coming together. I know your life is going to be used to help many other people. You will now understand the agony of losing a loved one and the guilt that comes with it. There are many people who are going to be needing your strength in the future in their lives.
    I have confidence that you are going to go on to be a strong, wise, compassionate person who God is going to use in the future after all this agony has passed, to be His tool to help people in their hour of greatest need.
    I truly care about you. Keep in touch.
    Chris