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How Do I Keep Breathing?

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Sadonia, May 9, 2021.

  1. Sadonia

    Sadonia New Member

    Fall of 2020 took away my best friend and soul mate, a man I decided I would marry when I was six years old. Everything was sudden and for me, unexpected. I've been told so many times that "time heals all wounds" but time seems to be the enemy here. Every day gets harder, not easier. The longer I go without hearing his voice, the less interested I am in sticking around where he is not. I don't know how to handle this. I don't know how to stop thinking about him every single day and what I "could" have done to save him. I don't know how to fall asleep without his soft snoring beside me. And my guilt over being alive is almost as strong as my grief. My sister suggested a support group so here I am. At this point, I have nothing more to lose. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks
     
  2. Songman

    Songman Well-Known Member

    Our Story


    My Beloved wife Janet lost her earthly battle against brain cancer on October 18th, 2019 at 8:40 in the morning. I was at her side, as I was every minute of every day for over a year. Janet was the bravest, and most caring human being that I have ever known. Despite all the pain and physical challenges she faced every day, sheOu was always more concerned about how I was doing. Are you OK? was always the first thing out of her mouth every morning. She knew she was dying with no hope of recovery, but she always put my welfare first.

    If, with your permission I can now turn back the clock to January of 2019, I will continue with OUR story.

    Janet started having problems with her balance early in January and would fall on occasion. After several trips to the emergency room, she was finally examined by an on-duty brain surgeon who ordered an immediate CT-scan. They discovered a rapidly growing tumor near the area of the brain that controls sight. She had been having a lot of problems with her peripheral vision, and they had to be extra careful if any surgeries were planned, because of the risk for blindness. Despite the danger and because of the urgency, surgery was scheduled the next morning. They drilled a hole in the back of Janet’s skull and tried to carefully vacuum out the cancer. They failed to get it all, due to the close proximity of the vision area of the brain and the tumor. They then tried radiation treatments (5 days a week for 16 weeks). At this point we still had a glimmer of hope, which was soon dashed when, after the radiation treatments, we were told there were no other pathways to a successful result, and my beloved Soulmate Janet was going to die... There was nothing we could do now but to accept what they predicted.

    We were then transferred to hospice care and I assumed the role of full-time caretaker, but she could, at least, stay at home. After a few weeks Doctors decided that Janet should go on 24-hour bedrest with a catheter and all (she hated that catheter) At that point, I had lost 50 pounds, and my clothes no longer fit, but Hospice still allowed me to move into Janet’s room and to sleep in a chair that folded out into a makeshift bed so I could continue to be close to her 24/7.

    When I was caring for Janet at home, she slept in a recliner in our living room, and I crashed within arm’s length of her on the corner of the couch next to her chair, so I could be available to help her to the bathroom, or if she needed assistance for anything. I never left her side, nor did I want to. Her nearness gave me strength. The Hospice volunteers and staff became our family. I will be forever grateful for their kindness. As time passed, it became more difficult for Janet to chew and swallow her food, so I had to cut up her food and spoon feed her, and eventually, she could only eat pudding or yogurt. I will never forget the grateful look in her eyes when I fed her. That look is one of my most cherished memories. Janet has contacted me since she passed, and I feel her presence often, and her reactions to unseen entities has inspired me to write several songs. She has mentored me from beyond this physical life every single day, and I know I will be with her again when my time on earth is over. The day I first met her was the luckiest day of my life.

    We listened to music together all the time.” Adagio for Strings” by Samuel Barber and Donny Hathaway’s “A Song for You” played while she died. I love and miss her so much it’s impossible to describe. I have learned to exist without her, but I still grieve the loss of US/WE as a pair. I wouldn’t be writing this if not for music, and the written word which saved me. (Thank you Joanie)


    Our Story

    I joined this forum shortly after my Janet passed. Bringing my grief here has been a great help. It will be two years this October, and I'm still suffering. This forum allows me to unload when I need assistance to just exist. Triggers still bring the tears, but I am lucky enough to have found a way to drift away from the huge void that I will now possess forever. I found refuge and escape through music. Keep your mind occupied away from your horrible tragedy by finding something to give your mind some respite. When you're down, talk about it on this forum. It will help.
     
    cjpines likes this.
  3. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for your loss. Everything you’re feeling the pain, guilt, loneliness, difficulty sleeping, it’s all very normal. You’re not alone in how you’re feeling. And you loss is pretty resent, this is a long journey with so many ups and downs. Make sure you get fresh air each day, it helps even when you think it’s not. Try to stay busy, it does help. I lost my wonderful husband suddenly to a heart attack. There was no warning, married 41 years, we ran a business together. Nothing in my life today is what my life was before this tragedy. That was over 2 yrs ago. We were each other’s everything. Nothing prepares us for the pain we feel after losing the most important person in our life. Things do get better eventually, we’re all different in how we grieve and how we try to make a new life but still love and honor those we’ve lost. This site has helped me immensely. Visit this site often, read and share stories and thoughts and whatever you wish. Everyone on here understands the pain you’re feeling. You’re not alone.
     
  4. Songman

    Songman Well-Known Member

     
  5. Songman

    Songman Well-Known Member

    I wrote this as a tribute to the wonderful hospice workers who took such good care of Janet in her final days. She actually was in hospice for three months before she passed. Hospice comforted her the entire time.

    (290) CAN I - YouTube
     
  6. Sadonia

    Sadonia New Member

    Thank you for your reply. It's the "Things do get better eventually" that I'm struggling with. Not just because I don't believe it (right now I don't) but also because I don't feel I should be able to feel better. My sister says it's "survivor's guilt" and she's probably right. But I don't know how to get past it. I feel guilty that I'm still breathing and he isn't. I blame myself to a point. And anything good that happens in my life, I don't feel I deserve.
    I've tried therapy but being constantly asked "And how does that make you feel" was not helping. Please don't take offense to this but I get pissed when people tell me that what I'm feeling is normal. It doesn't feel normal. It feels suffocating. But telling me that I'm not alone is exactly what I needed to hear. I feel VERY alone. And scared.
    Thank you again. I didn't see a lot of activity on this site when I first looked and wasn't sure if anyone would even see me. I honestly don't know what I'm hoping to hear either.

    Songman, Thank you, as well.
     
    cjpines likes this.
  7. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    No worries. I’ve felt everything you’re expressing. I know the suffocating feeling. I don’t know exactly when you lost your husband but I know it’s less then a year. We can’t turn a switch and feel any different. Our lives have changed over night and it is scary. I’ve never lived alone in my life and I hate it. Your sister is right about survivors guilt. Ive had it and still do. I have trouble with so many things. I can’t buy myself anything there’s guilt. Unless it’s necessities, cleaning supplies or food. I lost a lot of weight since my husband passed nothing fits me. But I have trouble buying clothes. I’ve gotten some better with that but it’s been a struggle. Ron loved having tv on all the time. He’s not here to enjoy it so I don’t turn it on. You’re right, nothing feels normal right now. Absolutely nothing. But mourning our loved ones is not normal. We don’t know how to act the pain is excruciating, no words can explain it. I use my husband to help me get through each day. I know he wouldn’t want me suffering the way I have been. I do things to honor him every day. I made a memorial garden in his honor. That keeps me busy. I talk to him every day and he has given me signs that give me hope. Your husband doesn’t want you to give up, one foot in front of the other for him. One day at a time. Keep trying, you’re definitely not alone.
     
    cjpines and Sadonia like this.
  8. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Thank you RLC to Sadonia and Songman. Everything you have said, so true, so true. I don't feel so alone.

    Losing a love one is the most horrid, devastating feeling ever.
     
  9. Songman

    Songman Well-Known Member

     
  10. Dee Kay

    Dee Kay Active Member

    I'm sorry for your loss, none of this is easy. I hope it helps if you know that so many others have felt exactly the same as what you've described. There is no easy way to get through this, it's hard, it hurts. Every single day. I'm just over a year without my husband and it was devastating for me—we were the best of friends, it was just the 2 of us and we loved and enjoyed each others company so much. I miss him every day. Like RLC I talk to my husband every day and I look for signs. I've read a gazillion books on what happens in the after life because my mind could not comprehend him just being gone. One of the toughest parts of going through grief is when you have one second of joy over something and then want to share it with your person and realize they're not here and the joy turns to sorrow. I don't have any magical words of wisdom to make that pain go away, all I can say is I understand how you feel. I can tell you because I've been through this that it's not that it gets better but the grief becomes different, not as shocking.

    I will tell you that probably every one of us has thought and keeps thinking of what they could have done to save their person. I still have moments where I wonder if I could have done anything, that is normal, I know you don't want to hear that. I think we all must come to terms that there really is or was nothing that you could have done, nothing any one of us could have done to save our people.

    Take care