How do I go on?

I am new to this forum I have no idea how this works. my husband just passed away on the 19th. my heart is breaking so bad. I don't know how to go on or if I even want to

 

Alie, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I don’t know your story but I did look at your information and see the loss was after an illness. It’s all very devastating, your only a few days from your loss. From my experience you’re in a fog, can’t think straight, nothing feels right, probably not eating, or sleeping. It’s the worst feeling in the world to lose your soul mate. Give yourself time, you shouldn’t try to do much of anything right now. Accept any and all offers for help. I made the mistake of thanking people, thinking they’ll offer again. In my case they didn’t. When people ask what they can do for you, they can come over and sit and talk and have coffee. Just listen, be a friend, that’s what you need, there’s such a loneliness with this loss, someone coming over is of great help. Let the tears happen, they do help.
I lost my husband, 16 months ago, my loss was sudden from a heart attack. He didn’t have any signs of heart disease at all. Sitting watching tv and he had stomach virus symptoms that changed to chest pains after throwing up. Sweating profusely. Once I realized it was his heart I called 911 the ambulance came pretty fast and they worked on him the ride to the hospital. I lost my husband at 11:34pm, only 2 hours after he started feeling sick. I was sure he’d be coming home again. It all happened so fast. When I write what happened that night I still can’t believe this happened and this is my life now.
I understand the thoughts of not even wanting to go on, I still feel it. This isn’t the life we want, we want our spouses, but this was thrown at us and it’s hard to digest. You will have moments where you feel some better and others that are devastating. It’s a rocky road at best. Nothing prepares you for this, however coming to this site is a good start. We all understand how you’re feeling, the pain, the brain fog. We know and are here to help you, you’ll find compassionate and caring people here. Give yourself time and please accept people’s offers to help.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Sending hugs! Robin.

 

Thank you for reaching out Robin. I am so scared at this time I'm going to lose my apartment and my animals and I really don't know how to go on. I'm 40 years old and a widow It's just not right

 

You're so right, It's just not right! Nothing about any of this feels right, our lives are in such turmoil, all we want and need is our old lives back, with our spouses. We want them to be healthy and by our side.
I feel terrible for you that you have the added anxiety of your apartment and pets. There's nothing that prepares you for this, it happens out of no where and then shock hits. And we can't think straight and there's so many things that fill our heads. One day, one hour one moment at a time

 

I appreciate your kind words. My husband was my world. He passed away of cancer at the age of 52. We were told about it in October And now hes just gone. I'm trying to be strong for my animals And I'm trying to be strong for what I think Mike would have wanted.

 

Alie...I am so sorry that you are suffering this loss. My husband died from cancer on Oct 11th/19. I'd say I remember how it felt to be where you are but the first couple of months are a blur. All I could do is just the next thing...get out of bed...walk to bathroom...pee...walk downstairs...literally only able to do just the next thing. Unable to think, plan, decide etc. I sobbed, i cried out, I screamed, I cursed...luckily I have no neighbours close by or I could have been committed. I think releasing the emotions helped because gradually my emotions calmed and I started to function again. Still have some really bad days but it does get better with time.

 

I feel your pain, I’ve been there and I’m still there, wanting and needing my husband, and my life back. I hate my new life. My husband and I were as one. I feel like my left side is gone and there’s a hole in my heart. We were together 24/7. We ran our business together, spent all day together. I had to close our shop, which was a horrible task, a second loss. I have RA, so he went with me everywhere to help me. Now I do everything myself. I do have my daughter who lives close by and we support each other, and my son lives in Florida but he supports me as well. And I have my dachshund who Ron got me as a surprise. He’s my best friend. Laying on me now as I write.
I’m so sorry he got cancer and you had to watch him try to fight that battle. It’s devastating, and it does feel unfair. We both know our husbands wouldn’t want us suffering so much. So I’m doing exactly what you mentioned. Doing what I know Ron would want me to do, trying to be strong trying to do what he would do, it is hard though. I’m glad you have your animals, they’re wonderful at giving love and comfort. My dachshund Ted, still misses his “dad” just the other night he stuck his head in a pair of Ron’s shoes and then put some of his toys by them and layed down and cried. Heartbreaking.
I still find nights to be very difficult, everything is difficult but nights are so hard, I’m guessing it’s the same for you. Weekends are hard too, everyone makes plans and does fun things on weekends, but my weekends are the same as every other day. Everything you’re feeling, the pain the ache the unknown, is all normal and everyone on here feels and understands what you’re feeling.
It doesn’t help that we’re dealing with this virus and the whole country is in turmoil. I hope you have family and friends giving you support.

 

I feel the same way. Half of me is gone. He was my life and he helped me with my illnesses Which Are many. The animals help yes but if I'm not able to keep them my world is going to disappear and sometimes I think it might be better if it were me instead

 

Yes, I’ve had those thoughts as well. Ron would be hurting like I am but I feel he’s stronger emotionally and knows how to handle more things with the house and stuff in general. We even discussed we didn’t want to be the survivor because it would be too difficult. But here I am, and although I’m struggling and tired of the lonlimness and no one to talk things through with, I am managing the house and upkeep better then expected.
When you feel like it, share some things about your husband, it can help with healing, I’ve found that telling your story and reading others is helpful for whatever reason. Knowing you’re not alone in these feelings is comforting. Also when you feel up to it share about your animals, they’re your world right now and helping you so much. Try not think too far ahead, think for this moment.

 

Alie7979,

I think Robin has expressed a good deal. The first week I seriously considered a voluntary commitment. The first counseling thought I came after weeks of pain and tears as she was not in pain anymore. I regret the added burdens you have and the void that is our partner.

Best to you at this time of loss.

Paul M.

 

I am sorry, I am new here also. I lost my husband on March 15 after a two week ICU stay. I honestly though at first he was going to recover. However, it did not happen. Today I thought I was going to lose my mind and I truly wanted to go be with him. I have never been alone and this virus is making it so much worse as you know. Everyone says to take baby steps and to just do the next thing. Talking to others helps for sure

 

Spiral1, I am so sorry for your loss, sorry today was such a hard day for you. The loneliness is such a difficult part of loss. The house feels wrong, too quiet and so alone. When you lose your love, nothing feels right. Your brain is in a fog, everything just feels wrong. I hope you family and friends to give you support, let them help you and accept help. Ask them to come over have a cup of coffee and just be with you. That is actually such a great help.
People saying take baby steps are right, that’s the best way to get through the next moment. I’m glad you feel talking is helpful, you’ll find that on this site as well. Talking, reading and sharing stories is very helpful. It’s comforting to know you’re not alone, and people on this site understand what you’re feeling and going through. You’ll get compassion and support here.
Robin

 

Alie just take care of yourself for these first few weeks. Try to eat right and sleep well. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. It's going to be hard for a while. Grieving will take a lot out of you. I'm so sorry. I lost my sweet wife 4 1/2 months ago.

 

Hi Alie my dear I am so sorry for the loss you are experiencing but I do know exactly the emotions you are feeling. I feel them constantly also. It's been 5 months since my husband passed and everyday is a brand new heartbreak just over and over and over. Try your best to focus on the happiness and joy you shared with him. And grieve,be angry,scared,confused,sad,and cry. I am always here to talk please contact and message me anytime. God bless you.

 

I am also new to this forum. I lost my husband six months ago. He suffered a massive stroke and was gone 3 days later. Even though I know he would not have wanted to be kept alive with half his brain destroyed, it was so very painful to let him go. I question my decision at times. We were married 47 years--my whole adult life. Now I am alone for the first time (no other family). Anyway, I just got through Easter, so another first. Will the days ever get easier?

 

Carol,

So sorry for the loss of your husband. Being with him at that time had to be extremely tough and heartbreaking as you had to let him go. It must have been shattering to your spirit.

Before Nadine my wife passed from cancer I witnessed something amazing. First she told us she had a dream, an angel had visited her. She had wanted grandchildren for so long, alas it was not to be. The angel told her that in heaven she would take care of all the unwanted children. Her face looked different as she spoke, no one had to believe, but those of us who were in that room believed.

Before she left us a hospice nurse came into the room with a candle and a prayer. The room was almost full. She lit the candle and put it in her window near her bed. Then she came back to us, our eyes had her in our gaze, she then read the poem, an ‘End of Life’ prayer. The prayer ends by telling us she is now ready to pass on. Everyone cried, then total silence.

Her last sister Linda , before Nadine passed, her two brothers Arthur & Henry, and one other sister Donna, had passed. Her niece Lisa, a US certified travelling nurse, myself and my two sons were by Nadine when she took her final breath. I called out her name, Linda grabbed me and we hugged.

Days forward from that moment were really one of sorrow. My sons, Mike and Chris, were so broken up, before Nadine passed we watched her see so many people who came. She was beautiful, friends from her long past, she remembered their names, their children and on and on it went for what seemed like days upon end. She had shown us all just how acute a mind she had even in the hardest time in her life.

Carol please never think you did anything wrong when you needed to make the hardest decision in life. I was married for 42 years, and you 47 years, almost half a century. We each grew up with our spouses. We each had to have experienced so many adventures and times together in life. Having two children is what she left me and the love she gave me each and everyday of her life. Her treatment of others made so many friends.

Now is a time to talk with those who you are able to, any remaining family if any, friends, and yes even complete strangers like us. Allow yourself to open up and talk. Speak of so many things - a wonderful life together, memories that will be with you forever, and it will start to ease those emotions all of us gather as time moves on after the loss of loved one(s). I know words are sometimes so hard to find and then utter after loss, but that is just our emotions holding onto them so tightly for fear of losing those memories forever.

Talking will help you in time to recover. It is a slow process but you are not alone anymore. You are among others who have experienced loss from so many awful moments. You will cry so many precious tears, there are rivers of those tears we all have shed, but it is just loving tears to help us face what we lost and loved in life.

One day, if you will keep talking and opening up and sharing your pain won’t seem like it controls you any more. Sure you will still remember your husband, but you will realize you can now focus better, your love is still there for him, but you can now face it so differently.

For me it was a moment last July 2019, near my wife's birthday, that night I had a dream of a spirit all in white laying on my chest as I slept. I felt comforted by that thought.

But that day forward and the days after I was able to now open up, talk so much better about Nadine, and one day it was as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulder. Sure, I could now focus and collect my thoughts better, but I also realized I still had Nadine with me, within me, and I could face whatever life would be for me from those days forward.

Carol, please take care of yourself. Never give in to despair. Take the time to face the fear of your sorrow. Peace be with you today and for the days that follow.

-david

First a poem for you






Now a song

 

Carol,

I always appreciate what David has to say. The wrenching pain of our loss is I think just endured. There are perhaps two people who knew Kay, my wife of forty years as well as I did. I share with a friend his cousin we both knew well and loved a great deal. From time to time is a type of conversation that our parted one can be remembered. In that shared memories are the stories that make fresh how dearly we loved that person. We can recount those moments that relive the events and times spent with them. Similar to a high school reunion where people reminisce over some humourous recollection that stood out for some reason. Those are the conversations I long to have.

David your account of your wife's passing is incredible. To be witness to what is beyond and have a confirming experience as you have described is breathtaking and a true gift. Also is the gathering of soals who also loved your wife and she could be surrounded in her life well-lived respect and love. We all will go at some point but her passing as you describe it has the beauty of a well-performed Ballet or classical concert. The way both you and your wife lives were lived is affirming. For something that is inevitable your experience of death and really just a soul's natural transition. There are meaning and peace in your telling. In a word inspirational.

Thanks for sharing this account of what belief can be and the loving surrounding relationship to faith was present. You express this so well. The burdon was carried.

 

I appreciate a forum full of people who really do understand this pain. I do not have a religious background, so those beliefs do not comfort me. All of my memories include my husband. The minute my thoughts wander, the tears flow. I miss the person who shared all of the same memories. We were sweepers (those who enter sweepstakes), and the hobby afforded us some incredible experiences. We won trips to Maui, Cabo, Montreal, London... We watched the Indy 500 from ESPN's suite, attended a movie premiere with Rob Zombie, had red carpet entrance to the Emmy Awards, had lunch at the Polo Lounge with Farrah Fawcet.... My favorite part was always seeing my husband's joy. He was a truly nice guy who deserved everything he received, and I basked in his glow. I am glad we did not wait until retirement to enjoy life. Now I hear people be moaning about staying home and I don't have any reason to go out.
Carol

 

Carol,
You’re right, we all do understand your pain and anger etc. for some reason sharing and reading other people’s stories is comforting.
I lost my husband suddenly to a massive heart attack. Started with stomach virus symptoms at 9:30 pm, lost the love of my life 2 hours later, 11:34 pm. This was 11/17/18, my life still feels upside down. We did everything together, we ran a business together and we’re planning our retirement this year. Wanted to travel the country. I miss him every minute of every day. He was my everything. Together 44 years married 41 years. I e ne er been alone in my life either, and I hate it.
This current health crisis isn’t helping, we can’t have people over for support which is such a big part of this horrible process we’re trying to navigate. I agree, I have no desire to go anywhere, but not being able to have family and friends over is bothering me. Or if I need something at the store, I can’t go. I do believe you’ll find this site to be very helpful to you, it has helped me a lot. Knowing we’re not crazy, that others feel the same and understand the pain. What has helped me the most is trying to stay busy, getting some fresh air and this site. Nights and weekends tend to be the worst times for me.
It’s wonderful that you have all those wonderful memories from winning sweepstakes. They might be hard to think of now but eventually I think they’ll make you smile. I haven’t won a single thing in my life, I. Glad you and your husband got to enjoy that together.
Sending you hugs!
Robin