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how do I deal with the pain with out self medicating

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Ebony, Jul 1, 2018.

  1. Ebony

    Ebony New Member

    i loss my fiancée to gun violence a lil over 8 years ago. He was my best friend my supporter, my everything. I’ve always suffered from depression and before he came along I had no one who I felt truly understood me at all period. My family support was non existent due to the fact of my illness. They always labeled me the crazy one. All men did was prey on me because I was always searching for the love that I didn’t have for myself, and so called friends took advantage of me Cuz I was so giving and kind hearted. So when I met my fiancé I instantly seen he was different than what I was use to. In the 4 years we were together I had felt more understanding and love that I had felt in my life. When I told him about my illness he didn’t run or take it as a gain for him. He worked with me. No matter how hard it got he always said were a team. And no ones perfect. He boosted my confidence, my interest, and even pointed me in the right direction. I loved that man sooo much. Then on April 16 2011 at 8 am I received a call from a family member that he was gone. I lost it. At that moment I feel like I died on the inside. All I did was cry and drink All day all night for months. It even took me a long time to change my sheets cuz his scent was all I had left. I was sooo hurt I couldn’t even attend the funeral. I went to the viewing, took one look at him and broke down. I was sooo messed up and alone without him that I had to move back with my mother to watch over me after I attempted Suicide. All living with her did though was keep me from trying to hurt myself. My siblings used my grief as a gain to them as a guaranteed babysitter. Which I really didn’t mind cuz kids have a way of making you feel better. But as far as a social life I had none for 4 years. All I did was look after my mom and my niece and nephew. As time went by the pain was still there but some days were better than others with the help of anxiety medication and therapy. But I still never stopped missing him and most of all the love never went away. After four years I felt that I might be ready to start dating again. But that was no different than it was before I met him. Then I met a man that I wish now I would have ran far away from. He was sweet kind in the beginning but none of that was real. When I tried to tell him about my depression and loss he introduced me to cocaine saying that it would make the pain go away. Now I’m far from stupid and I knew that I was fuckin up but at that point all I wanted was the pain to go away. I wanted to feel the way I did when I was with my love. So against my better judgment I tried it and it was the worst thing I could have ever done. For three whole years I stuck with this man and this new addiction. I lost it all. I tried to quit so many times and it never worked. Till one day I got smart and realized that the drug wasn’t the addiction he was. And he never loved me, he never cared about me or anything. Only time we were good was when we were high. So after I realized that I left him and that drug alone cold turkey. Yeah I admit I had a few slips here and there but who doesn’t. I still self medicated though when I was hurting by drinking and smoking weed. Which is no better cuz it’s all harmful to myself but at least I’m not going broke doing it. Which brings me to yesterday. I woke up feeling depressed, lonely and all around fed up with it all. I tried a form of self medication. And the effects was nothing I ever been through. What made me say enough is enough is when my sister said to me you always gotta be on some kinda drug. After she said that and I got alone all I thought about is what she said to me. When the thoughts became to unbearable I started texting the crisis center and after a hour of texting her I felt a lot better and decided to search for grief support. Now I’m here. I know that the self medicating is not my issue cuz before he died I never touched a drug like that. It wasn’t till after I he died that I felt like I couldn’t go on anymore and started searching for outlets to make me forget. What I really need help with is dealing with the pain and sadness in a positive drug free manner. So please if anyone can relate to what I’m going through and knows any positive coping mechanisms please don’t hesitate to comment. I’m sorry I went so far into detail with this post but I felt like to get the best help I had lay it all out there
     
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Ebony, thank you for your bravery in sharing your story. It's very important to get it all out there. It can be an important part of the healing process, putting our thoughts "on paper". Sometimes getting it out of our own head has a way of sorting it out. What's really important right now is that you know what is no longer working for you and that you are asking for help. That's the first (and in my opinion hardest) part of the battle.
    Many people in this world (even those who haven't had a loss) are finding ways every day to numb themselves from the pain life brings. And in most cases it is because of an underlying anxiety or depression. After loss it can feel simply impossible to cope. Especially when you lost the one person you felt loved and accepted you for who you are.
    You may find you benefit from both individual and group counseling -specifically those for "dual diagnosis".
    The National Alliance of Mental Illness (or NAMI) describes it like this: "Dual diagnosis (also referred to as co-occurring disorders) is a term for when someone experiences a mental illness and a substance use disorder simultaneously. Either disorder—substance use or mental illness—can develop first. People experiencing a mental health condition may turn to alcohol or other drugs as a form of self-medication to improve the mental health symptoms they experience. However, research shows that alcohol and other drugs worsen the symptoms of mental illnesses."
    This is a general observation and suggestion based on the situation you've described but not intended as a diagnosis. Only something to perhaps set you in the right direction for help. A lot of people are not aware of the idea of a co-occurring disorder.
    Finding people to talk to about your grief can help and I hope you find some support here of other grievers who have had a loss. The timeline doesn't matter. The "self-medicating" may have delayed some of your ability to truly cope and grieve. So if there's times you feel you're starting over, remember to be patient with yourself and the process. Dealing with the hard edges of grief will be a challenge without the substance abuse to soften it. But remember, we can't try to avoid grief by hiding from it or numbing ourselves from it temporarily. It is always there, and it will wait patiently until you have fully experienced it, acknowledged it, and found a way to integrate it into your life in a healthy way going forward.
    Please keep in touch to let us know how you are doing and if you have any other questions about the site or anything else going forward, please let us know. I truly wish you all the best~
     
    SallyRuth and Ebony like this.