Homesick

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Mary0128, May 10, 2018.

  1. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Mary the littlest things are very present and often are overwhelming. Once in awhile the littlest things are beneficial as well. I know you were a nurse and used all that you knew in your caretaking. Many are doing or have done the same. You were by profession and training better equipped to know what to do. You have commented that he knew you did your best.

    There is better and not better. Some of the better has come from the seemingly the littlest and somewhat random places. Last night was a music thing with a best friend. I got out of the house. The friend happens to be a 43-year veteran nurse now retired. On this site was a woman who I compared caretaking notes and experiences with. The details in the steps we took for our respective partners was a relief. To know how difficult it was. I share this with my sister. If we step back and see how much emotion and concern was in our effort.

    Another small and unexpected better has been The dog sitting and care of a five-pound Yorkie. Like our partner caretaking is the research. I now know so much about that dog and her breed-specific needs. Just walking the dog was out of the house. Meeting neighbors also dog people have been social. That dog is willful but also very loving and delightful.

    Our road back is long and uncertain. I wrote a friend today who is dealing with profound life changes. That was about some component parts concerning diet and exercise. As a type two diabetic those are essential things to learn about and master. Ongoing all the time.

    Better is out there. That recipe will vary a good deal. Concern for our selves and others is a part of that mix. I am amazed at the goodness I see in others. Here and so many places.

    Best to you, Mary.
     
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  2. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Well-Known Member

    I'm trying to move forward but I feel that I am being pulled back. If I don't remember the dates/times (e.g. day of the diagnosis, first/last radiation treatment, first/last chemo treatment, last kiss) who will? Some days I can not get out of my own way. Feeling lost, and yes, still homesick.
     
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  3. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Mary,

    This is what we do. Caring for the one we love took every once of our being. It all was happening so fast and all we could do was be in the moment and react. Our total focus was making decisions that maybe we knew to do or a ton of effort to be whatever the situation required. It was demanding, heartbreaking and on some subconscious level the end of life we know. Going into a life we have no idea.

    I spent months and literally hours each day going over what happened. Part of that is being with them. Part is reconstructing all the events just to make sense of it now that we have time to do that. Part of that is evaluation. Things we did well and things maybe in hindsight we would have done differently.

    Then there is the cavernous void. We lost everything. We are in the depth of sorrow. We are starting from below sea level to build again. We go over how wonderful our partner was. How fulfilling our relationship was. there may be some regret over some ruff patches but on balance a wonderful and unique relationship. We eat alone and go to bed alone. We have to make friends with solitude. It really is a miserable process and time of our lives.

    I just did a documentary about the 14th century and the Black Plague.
    Very informative and timely as we are in the midst of a pandemic. Rather than be afraid of it. Learn a new world. I did some historical look at cancer and was surprised that cancer dates back to 3000BC at least. I had thought it was a modern invention form new carcinogens. We have so much time to fill. I had a host of wellness activities to do pre 19. Those are on hold.

    Mary, none of us could know how difficult this loss world can be. The missing part has to runs it's course. Hopefully, some diversions enter to fill the void.
     
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  4. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Mary thank you for posting that article. For some reason it's been a hard week for me, out of the blue just weepy emotional. No birthdays or anniversary just feel like I'm back in month one instead of seven.
     
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  5. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Well-Known Member

    Another date is approaching.
    7/17/2017, The day of Diagnosis. I still remember the look on the ED Doctor's face when he showed me the CT scan of my husbands brain. The look of eminence sadness, he had no words, he just turned the screen toward me and put his hand on my shoulder. To this day when I see him in the halls of the hospital, we just nod at each other. Just a hand on the shoulder and that look of empathy somehow helped me be strong enough to turn toward my husband without bawling and explain to him what was happening, when I couldn't finish getting all the right words out, he stepped in and helped me give my love the most devastating news of our lives.
     
  6. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    "Special" days are so hard. 7/16/18 was the last day my sweetie had a sip of water or a bite of food. On the 17th he had a 16 hour surgery to remove half of his tongue because of a tumour. They did reconstruction but there was too much damage..he never was able to swallow again. Lived with a tube in his abdomen for 15 months. Sounds like you had a kind and compassionate doctor...so good to have at the worst time of your lives. Praying for strength for you as this day comes, and passes.
     
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  7. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Well-Known Member

    Sometimes out of the blue I feel this gut wrenching pain and I get a feeling that all is not right.
    Today is one of those times.
    How I miss him.
     
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  8. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    HUG
     
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  9. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Double Hug!!
     
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  10. Barry

    Barry Well-Known Member

    Dear Mary,
    I've read all your posts in "homesick" and I have to say everything single thing you wrote rings true in my life too. You have a gift of writing your feelings very well! I'm almost 9 months past the death of my sweet wife, Peg. I'm so sorry we are both in this place. We're trying to move on and be happy with our new life because that's the only thing we can do. Weather we want to or not. One day at a time. I wish you love, peace, and happiness.
     
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  11. Barry

    Barry Well-Known Member

    I know that feeling. Twice this week I cried multiple times. One day I cried 9 times! Don't know why. It just comes that way I guess. Good day, bad day, you never know what you're going to have until it's over. Peace
     
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  12. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Even in the middle of a good day, this can come on all the sudden, I'm learning to make friends with grief and this emotion. I don't think it ever goes away, how can it? You will always miss the one you love, it will lighten and take different forms, however it will be there and that's okay.
     
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  13. Barry

    Barry Well-Known Member

    This morning I cried at the supermarket. Haha. How embarrassing! Idc. Only 2people saw it. What a way to start a day tho. Onward and upward! One hour at a time again today I guess.
     
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  14. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Well-Known Member

    ♥️ Been there. Hug’s
     
  15. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Tears are what we do. Overwhelmed is the word that best described how we live. I was with a friend and the tears came. He felt uncomfortable. I just said don't worry it will pass. You can't fix this. It is just what I do and is part of how I live. It will pass and I will be fine and no need to feel uncomfortable. There is little you can say. Some on this site simply go to the bathroom to cry and then rejoin their friends. People want to help but will not know-how. Really is just accommodation for sorrow.

    I suppose the silver lining is we had a person that we loved so much.
     
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  16. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Well-Known Member

  17. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Barry, yes tears will happen. I know longer worry about it, the first breakdown in public I was embarrassed. Memories are triggers, and for me the grocery store is a minefield. I knew it would be because even my refrigerator was, the things that he liked that I didn't needed to be tossed, I was crying over a trash bag of food.

    Paul, so very true, "...we loved so much." Also true, these people want to fix us, but the truth is we're not broken and don't need fixing. This is normal, we are going through a process, a rebuilding, I know I'll emerge stronger he made me a better person and through my missing him this continues.
     
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  18. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Well-Known Member

    I'll be celebrating Jeff's birthday Tuesday, 8/18. I was planning on working but decided that my mind would not be on my work. We would always go on a road trip for his birthday, the White Mountains in NH was always a favorite, we also liked going to the Maine coast, (only 1.5 hours away). I think I will take a drive to the coast and just sit on the rocks and let the memories come. I miss him more and more every day. At times I still cry myself to sleep.
     
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  19. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Well-Known Member

    So I didn't make it to the beach for Jeff's birthday as planned. It literally down poured. So I stayed home, played with my grand babies, had a nice meal and had some quiet time at his grave (between thunder showers). I realized something. With all the dates that I have been memorializing (e.g. date of diagnosis, fist day of chemo, last day of chemo and the list goes on), I've been so worried about remembering the days that all the bad stuff had happened in the past 2 and a 1/2 years and feeling that I must go through the pain again and again, I am not celebrating the good stuff we shared in our 31 year marriage. The trips to the coast and up- to-camp (even in the winter, he loved ice fishing). Road trips to nowhere on a Sunday afternoon. Our lives were so packed with family and love there are so many great memories to look back on.
    So this is me looking forward as I move forward (even if it is at a crawl pace) and remembering the sweet times we had. It does not mean that I wont remember those dates but as I remember them I will think about it a little differently and not have it define my memories of my Jeff.
    Thanks for listening
     
  20. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Mary,
    I’ve read through your story and your posts on homesick. I can feel your pain, your loss, your loneliness, need to remember everything on right days etc. and I get it, I know it too well. Except remembering dates of diagnosis, I didn’t go through any of that. My husband was taken from me so suddenly it made my head spin and i went into shock, lived in a foggy bubble for quite some time. We had spent a great day together, as always. Bought everything for our Thanksgiving dinner, visited my daughter did yard work. Everyday things. I made us chicken rice soup and he loved it! Then at 9:30 pm he didn’t feel well. Had stomach cramps. Turns out it was his heart. I lost him 2 hours later. They worked on him in the hospital but couldn’t save him. Like you, my life has turned upside down, I had to empty and close our business, talk about emotional days. That was horrible. My birthday is coming up, Sept 4. We chose my birthday of this year to be the day we start closing our business and retire to travel and do home renovations etc. none of that will ever happen. On my birthday we planned to go sign me up for SS and have a nice lunch out to celebrate our upcoming retirement. I will also turn the age he was when he passed. At 11:34 pm tonight it will be 21 months and 2 days since that awful night. I dread this birthday more then I can find words for. I thought last year was bad. They’re all awful. I’m trying as you mentioned in your last post, to think of the wonderful times, the sweetest memories and trying to move forward thinking how lucky I am that this wonderful man was in my life for 44 years. And still is. He is my inspiration for every single thing I do.
    We all go through the guilt feelings the what if’s, but we shouldn’t. We loved them, we’re not goi g to do anything to hurt them. We do it because we miss them so damn much. And nothing can prepare us for this pain. And no one knows what we go through daily unless they’ve had such a loss.
    I’m thankful for this site and how we each do our best to help each other through this awful journey. I am homesick too!
    There will be better days ahead, we have to keep trying.