Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Mary0128, May 10, 2018.

  1. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Mary the littlest things are very present and often are overwhelming. Once in awhile the littlest things are beneficial as well. I know you were a nurse and used all that you knew in your caretaking. Many are doing or have done the same. You were by profession and training better equipped to know what to do. You have commented that he knew you did your best.

    There is better and not better. Some of the better has come from the seemingly the littlest and somewhat random places. Last night was a music thing with a best friend. I got out of the house. The friend happens to be a 43-year veteran nurse now retired. On this site was a woman who I compared caretaking notes and experiences with. The details in the steps we took for our respective partners was a relief. To know how difficult it was. I share this with my sister. If we step back and see how much emotion and concern was in our effort.

    Another small and unexpected better has been The dog sitting and care of a five-pound Yorkie. Like our partner caretaking is the research. I now know so much about that dog and her breed-specific needs. Just walking the dog was out of the house. Meeting neighbors also dog people have been social. That dog is willful but also very loving and delightful.

    Our road back is long and uncertain. I wrote a friend today who is dealing with profound life changes. That was about some component parts concerning diet and exercise. As a type two diabetic those are essential things to learn about and master. Ongoing all the time.

    Better is out there. That recipe will vary a good deal. Concern for our selves and others is a part of that mix. I am amazed at the goodness I see in others. Here and so many places.

    Best to you, Mary.
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  2. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Well-Known Member

    I'm trying to move forward but I feel that I am being pulled back. If I don't remember the dates/times (e.g. day of the diagnosis, first/last radiation treatment, first/last chemo treatment, last kiss) who will? Some days I can not get out of my own way. Feeling lost, and yes, still homesick.
    glego likes this.
  3. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member


    This is what we do. Caring for the one we love took every once of our being. It all was happening so fast and all we could do was be in the moment and react. Our total focus was making decisions that maybe we knew to do or a ton of effort to be whatever the situation required. It was demanding, heartbreaking and on some subconscious level the end of life we know. Going into a life we have no idea.

    I spent months and literally hours each day going over what happened. Part of that is being with them. Part is reconstructing all the events just to make sense of it now that we have time to do that. Part of that is evaluation. Things we did well and things maybe in hindsight we would have done differently.

    Then there is the cavernous void. We lost everything. We are in the depth of sorrow. We are starting from below sea level to build again. We go over how wonderful our partner was. How fulfilling our relationship was. there may be some regret over some ruff patches but on balance a wonderful and unique relationship. We eat alone and go to bed alone. We have to make friends with solitude. It really is a miserable process and time of our lives.

    I just did a documentary about the 14th century and the Black Plague.
    Very informative and timely as we are in the midst of a pandemic. Rather than be afraid of it. Learn a new world. I did some historical look at cancer and was surprised that cancer dates back to 3000BC at least. I had thought it was a modern invention form new carcinogens. We have so much time to fill. I had a host of wellness activities to do pre 19. Those are on hold.

    Mary, none of us could know how difficult this loss world can be. The missing part has to runs it's course. Hopefully, some diversions enter to fill the void.
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  4. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Mary thank you for posting that article. For some reason it's been a hard week for me, out of the blue just weepy emotional. No birthdays or anniversary just feel like I'm back in month one instead of seven.
    Mary0128 likes this.
  5. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Well-Known Member

    Another date is approaching.
    7/17/2017, The day of Diagnosis. I still remember the look on the ED Doctor's face when he showed me the CT scan of my husbands brain. The look of eminence sadness, he had no words, he just turned the screen toward me and put his hand on my shoulder. To this day when I see him in the halls of the hospital, we just nod at each other. Just a hand on the shoulder and that look of empathy somehow helped me be strong enough to turn toward my husband without bawling and explain to him what was happening, when I couldn't finish getting all the right words out, he stepped in and helped me give my love the most devastating news of our lives.
  6. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    "Special" days are so hard. 7/16/18 was the last day my sweetie had a sip of water or a bite of food. On the 17th he had a 16 hour surgery to remove half of his tongue because of a tumour. They did reconstruction but there was too much damage..he never was able to swallow again. Lived with a tube in his abdomen for 15 months. Sounds like you had a kind and compassionate good to have at the worst time of your lives. Praying for strength for you as this day comes, and passes.