Homesick

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Mary0128, May 10, 2018.

  1. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Active Member

    I'm finally getting to projects that were left unfinished. It's been almost 18 months since my Jeff's passing. Still miss him everyday, still cry at times, usually it catches me off guard, I cry at the weirdest things. Finishing our deck this weekend, and then working on getting the mulch on the flower beds. These are projects that we planned on doing together. Still feeling homesick, wish he was here.
     
  2. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Active Member

    This is the 2nd fourth without my Jeff. The last Fourth we had together we had a wonderful time at the lake with the whole family. Jeff left early, he was tired, it was the beginning of the end. Jeff received his esophageal cancer diagnosis on 7/18/2017. Six months and 10 days later, he was gone. He is everywhere and nowhere at the same time. I miss him, this holiday will never be the same.
     
  3. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Active Member

    1 year ago yesterday, I laid my husband to rest. He passed 1/28/18, but we had to wait for the ground to thaw before his burial. I went to his grave, cleaned the stone, and cried. This was the last of my firsts. I feel like the seconds are just as hard, but each day I am learning to cope with this exhausting grief. I never know what is going to be my trigger. It could be a song, a scent, a flower blooming in a field, a bird soaring above my head. If I could only see, touch, hold him one more time.
     
  4. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Active Member

    August.... what a beautiful month. Memories flood my mind. Camping trips, weekends on the lake, picnics at the ocean, and your Birthday. I miss those days. I miss us. I miss how it was and how we were. I am left with these wonderful memories, we'll reminisce together someday. Jeff, I will Love you always.
     
  5. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Active Member

    I saw a rainbow this morning, it made my heart feel light again, Miss you Jeff, Love you More
     
  6. ainie

    ainie Member

    Hello DJF; so sorry for your loss. I understand what you are saying. My husband died 6 weeks ago after a long battle with cancer. I too was so very focused on taking care of him that maybe I was too much nurse and not enough wife. He hugged me every night and said "Thank you sweetie for another day" so I know he felt cared for but did he know how much I loved him, how he still made me weak in the knees, how much I wanted him to get better.
     
  7. Kriss

    Kriss Active Member

    I still,rush ho,e to tell my husband things and then realize he isn’t there. It sucks
     
  8. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Active Member

    I did that just the other day, my heart sank when I realized what I was thinking. It really does suck. It's been almost 2 years for me but at times I still am overcome with emotions. I still cry on my way home from work.
     
  9. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Mary and Kriss good you are both here. I am 15 months in and agree with the second firsts are not as hard but still very difficult. The quiet house and as you mentioned Mary, the plans that were shared. Ainie the caretaker role is difficult. Cancer is horrible. Ainie I will say he knew. We all did the best we knew how to do.
     
  10. ainie

    ainie Member

    It was hard, especially as I was a nurse my entire life. I knew how to do all the physical care but the emotional part sucked. The doctors and nurses assumed I would understand/do his care. He came home after a massive surgery in July/18 with many medical issues...and yes I knew what to do but being asked to essentially work 24 hours 7 days a week was overwhelming. Sometimes I was so upset by getting partial explanations, sometimes I knew too well what was happening, sometimes I was too emotional to understand anything. I learned to hide what my job was...
     
  11. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    ainie
    You made so many good points. You mentioned the 24/7 draining time and effort. There is another nurse on the site that is caretaking her mom. Like you, she knows the effort. Like you, she was between a rock and a hard place and should have more help. That is what I say to anyone now. Get help if you can. The physical toll is part. The emotional toll is just as big. It had gone on for several years with the high-end chemo. Circumstances led to a blood clot and ER then admitted. That led to a very sympathetic doctor that connected use with one more Oncologist. Some targetted chemos that had the genetics been favorable then some life extension was possible. It did not go that way but there was a little room for hope. I wrote that doctor after Kays passing. I thanked her for the effort and said it was not a wasted effort. I needed that little opening to just gather myself for all that was to come. I just remember sitting in the truck and willing myself to pull it together. There just was no room for tears. They still happened just not as much.

    not sure about the partial explanations but keeping track of technical information with high emotions and fatigue is difficult. sometimes you knew what was happening I assume means you knew the outcome was bleak. The same with your comment about hiding your job. There was a vivid moment that I knew Kay had no more fight left. The hospice nurse called it when I asked how long and she said a matter of a few days. She was correct. I was never going to talk about that with kay. That knowledge served me a bit with knowing what little energy I had was enough. There some do-overs further upstream but the last month was as good as could have been done. ainie, I hope you are recovering. Like many here have stated it can be a long way back.