Homesick

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Mary0128, May 10, 2018.

  1. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Well-Known Member

    I'm finally getting to projects that were left unfinished. It's been almost 18 months since my Jeff's passing. Still miss him everyday, still cry at times, usually it catches me off guard, I cry at the weirdest things. Finishing our deck this weekend, and then working on getting the mulch on the flower beds. These are projects that we planned on doing together. Still feeling homesick, wish he was here.
     
  2. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Well-Known Member

    This is the 2nd fourth without my Jeff. The last Fourth we had together we had a wonderful time at the lake with the whole family. Jeff left early, he was tired, it was the beginning of the end. Jeff received his esophageal cancer diagnosis on 7/18/2017. Six months and 10 days later, he was gone. He is everywhere and nowhere at the same time. I miss him, this holiday will never be the same.
     
  3. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Well-Known Member

    1 year ago yesterday, I laid my husband to rest. He passed 1/28/18, but we had to wait for the ground to thaw before his burial. I went to his grave, cleaned the stone, and cried. This was the last of my firsts. I feel like the seconds are just as hard, but each day I am learning to cope with this exhausting grief. I never know what is going to be my trigger. It could be a song, a scent, a flower blooming in a field, a bird soaring above my head. If I could only see, touch, hold him one more time.
     
  4. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Well-Known Member

    August.... what a beautiful month. Memories flood my mind. Camping trips, weekends on the lake, picnics at the ocean, and your Birthday. I miss those days. I miss us. I miss how it was and how we were. I am left with these wonderful memories, we'll reminisce together someday. Jeff, I will Love you always.
     
  5. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Well-Known Member

    I saw a rainbow this morning, it made my heart feel light again, Miss you Jeff, Love you More
     
  6. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Hello DJF; so sorry for your loss. I understand what you are saying. My husband died 6 weeks ago after a long battle with cancer. I too was so very focused on taking care of him that maybe I was too much nurse and not enough wife. He hugged me every night and said "Thank you sweetie for another day" so I know he felt cared for but did he know how much I loved him, how he still made me weak in the knees, how much I wanted him to get better.
     
  7. Kriss

    Kriss Well-Known Member

    I still,rush ho,e to tell my husband things and then realize he isn’t there. It sucks
     
  8. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Well-Known Member

    I did that just the other day, my heart sank when I realized what I was thinking. It really does suck. It's been almost 2 years for me but at times I still am overcome with emotions. I still cry on my way home from work.
     
  9. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Mary and Kriss good you are both here. I am 15 months in and agree with the second firsts are not as hard but still very difficult. The quiet house and as you mentioned Mary, the plans that were shared. Ainie the caretaker role is difficult. Cancer is horrible. Ainie I will say he knew. We all did the best we knew how to do.
     
  10. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    It was hard, especially as I was a nurse my entire life. I knew how to do all the physical care but the emotional part sucked. The doctors and nurses assumed I would understand/do his care. He came home after a massive surgery in July/18 with many medical issues...and yes I knew what to do but being asked to essentially work 24 hours 7 days a week was overwhelming. Sometimes I was so upset by getting partial explanations, sometimes I knew too well what was happening, sometimes I was too emotional to understand anything. I learned to hide what my job was...
     
  11. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    ainie
    You made so many good points. You mentioned the 24/7 draining time and effort. There is another nurse on the site that is caretaking her mom. Like you, she knows the effort. Like you, she was between a rock and a hard place and should have more help. That is what I say to anyone now. Get help if you can. The physical toll is part. The emotional toll is just as big. It had gone on for several years with the high-end chemo. Circumstances led to a blood clot and ER then admitted. That led to a very sympathetic doctor that connected use with one more Oncologist. Some targetted chemos that had the genetics been favorable then some life extension was possible. It did not go that way but there was a little room for hope. I wrote that doctor after Kays passing. I thanked her for the effort and said it was not a wasted effort. I needed that little opening to just gather myself for all that was to come. I just remember sitting in the truck and willing myself to pull it together. There just was no room for tears. They still happened just not as much.

    not sure about the partial explanations but keeping track of technical information with high emotions and fatigue is difficult. sometimes you knew what was happening I assume means you knew the outcome was bleak. The same with your comment about hiding your job. There was a vivid moment that I knew Kay had no more fight left. The hospice nurse called it when I asked how long and she said a matter of a few days. She was correct. I was never going to talk about that with kay. That knowledge served me a bit with knowing what little energy I had was enough. There some do-overs further upstream but the last month was as good as could have been done. ainie, I hope you are recovering. Like many here have stated it can be a long way back.
     
  12. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Well-Known Member

    I am also a nurse. It was hard to try and keep the hope alive when deep down I knew what Stage IV with mets to the brain meant for our future. I tried to stay hopeful right to his last days. I remember when the Palliative care physician, who I have worked with in a hospital for many years, told Jeff how very lucky he was to have me care and advocate for him, Jeff smiled and said "yes, I am very lucky to have her". I will never forget the look on his face, at that moment in time he looked like his old self, no pain, no cancer, just the way we used to look at each other, all I could see was his love for me, hopefully he saw the same. I will hold that image forever.
     
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  13. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Mary.

    He was lucky to have had a nurse. My sister had been an OT for the mentally retarded for most of her career. When her partner came down with MS and you most likely know how that one progresses. The decline produces symptoms many people would find difficult. Her background and temperament prepared her for so much. She and I often compare notes. I also read here often we as caretakers will keep going until there is no more going. There was a point in her partner's decline that the blood sugar got below 50. Pat called 911 and her person was brought back. There was a discussion about why did she do that. Her partner said that death would have been so easy. You know the answer and so did I. As caretakers for the person we love. We do not stop. Even having read so much here. That decision is the most difficult. I will not have to make that call in the foreseeable future. I can use my mother as a role model. Have all the paperwork done and most decisions made in advance for those that follow. That look as you describe is all we need to know. You did well!!
     
  14. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Well-Known Member

    Thank you, there are a lot of moments that I wonder what I missed.
    It's hard to be strong especially now during this season, and the anniversary of his death is 1/28. :(
     
  15. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Well-Known Member

    Holidays.....They are not like they used to be. I find myself going through the motions, getting through them is all that is on my mind. January 28th is the 2nd anniversary of Jeff's passing, not a happy time of year any longer. All the reminders of happier times as I unpack the Christmas decorations, I'm putting up more than last year but not all. I used to love this time of year now I've really come to dread these days. I just need to get through ….
     
  16. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Mary

    You are right. Christmas was so special. All the thought and preparation for a warm family day with memories. Several people I know including us. This one will not be that experience. Kay, my wife of 40 years worked for a firm called Display and Supply. She was so value-conscious and bought too many decorations the day after Christmas with her employee discount, value. Here they are 30 years later. I put some up and will sort and store them. They are what she chose and was fond of.

    The next holiday is New Years. We never made a big deal on that one. What will happen is remembering. I think it also is deciding. What will next year be? We have a choice about that. Recovery, How our time is filled, health. Things to look forward to. Measure our loss. Think about how great our person was.

    Some of our loss is doing now what we depended on. The other half added so much.

    Best to you Mary and your family.

    Paul M.
     
  17. Shadow

    Shadow Member

    I am so new to the world of this consuming grief. I find myself having these dissociative episodes where I wonder when I'm going to "snap into" thecorrect reality where Les is alive. However I've read that science fiction story.... I know how that works out. I'd have to kill the other Patricia and the adult children from our marriage wouldn't be exactly the same, so it would end up being an unpleasant solution even if the science worked.

    I continually want to tell Les how his mom is doing, particularly since his older brother died three weeks after Les died and their mom has been taking it hard. I want him to tell me I got my hair cut too short again, and that my boots look great with that skirt. I want to hear him make me laugh At myself because right now I just look in the mirror and sigh or shed some tears. It's so hard to believe that I really do live in a world without him....the world seems perpetually dim and dark without him to lighten the mood.

    I'm trying so hard to be cheerful....to look for a good outcome, and I miss him so deeply. It feels as if the fabric of the world has been torn apart.

    Patricia
     
  18. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Well-Known Member

    The 2nd year was not any easier than the first
    January 28th has come and gone. It's been 2 years now, still feels like yesterday, that I held you in my arms. I struggle on that day the 28th is our son's birthday, so the one of the happiest days of my life has collided with the most devastating day of my life.
     
  19. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Hi Mary.
    Those two dates now linked is so important. There have been a few here with tied or shared dates. Certain numbers or music. We are becoming so acquainted with words and concepts. Overwhelmed is the word we are continually learning and experiencing. The new normal has been quoted a few times here. One woman recently added inseparable to describe her and her husband. My current thing and has been really early on were her belongings. So much care and time go into those. My wife kept things for decades. Each no matter how small represent her life. Mary, it is a glacier slow process. My new doctor lost both her parents to cancer. The bond I felt with her over grief was so shared in understanding. For her a career-defining life path. Much of what I do is in the context of would my wife, Kay approve. I went to a yoga class and feel so much better. The idea to even go was part of our lives together. Very much her influence.

    I wish you the best.
     
  20. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Well-Known Member

    Thank you Paul, You're right it is a slow process. Sometimes the littlest thing can knock you to your knees.