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His choice our pain

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by AlliBelle, Feb 2, 2021.

  1. AlliBelle

    AlliBelle New Member

    Yesterday was the two week mark of losing my husband. He left for a work trip, and never came home. He chose to kill himself. We had just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. We were so happy and so in love. He left a note, and I can see where his mind was at when he chose it. I still hate his choice. I hate that I’m left without him, and our three boys no longer have a father. I’m doing okay, considering, but I know I have a very long road ahead of me. He was everything to me. I thought we had so many good years ahead of us. He took everything away in one brief instant. This is just so incredibly difficult.
     
    Chris M 2000 likes this.
  2. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    Yes, so incredibly difficult. Love and courage to you.
     
    AlliBelle likes this.
  3. BaintreachBia

    BaintreachBia Member

    i do not have expierence for this situation,but i was angry with my husband for not telling me he had pains on the morning he died suddenly,i have to accept it was his choice to roll the dice.on the outcome,but i soon realised i didnt have the energy to waste on anger,because our children needed me,you are amazing ,i am not letting this grief define the rest of my happiness,healing as best i can ,and thankful for the family we made together,your kids are so lucky to have you,make time to be kind to yourself,love and light and fun times ahead for you all are my prayers for you,hugs xx.m.
     
  4. AlliBelle

    AlliBelle New Member

    Thank you for your words. You sound amazing as well. I am very focused on my kids and keeping our relationships strong. That’s what matters now. You’re right about anger. I know it’s part of the process, but I’m trying to be mindful that I don’t get stuck there. It’s still so fresh and new. It’s very hard to believe this happened to us.
     
  5. BaintreachBia

    BaintreachBia Member

    my biggest fear after was that my bond with our children would fracture,they would nt mention his name it was so painful,but they are on thier own timeline,now sometimes we recall funny stories and we laugh without breaking down after,hour by hour,send one important email a day,make one phone call,no expectations on your progress,and just smile kindly at people who say pure random things that make yout brain wobble,they cant get your pain,neither will your kids or family,this is a one way ticket with your name printed on it,you are at a different life stage to your kids,they will soon be getting on with things,this is a big part of your life story,but its not the overall theme of your story,you get to write that,i am currently finding this book so comforting" Healing after loss" by Martha W Wickman. create your own support network outside friends and family,this site is a godsend,i am doing the recently bereved course,great insights,and reaching out to comfort others gives me a nice break from my own grief,the fact that we are invested in trying to understand this process is a good sign of hope for us all,believe,rest,stay curious about life and you sound very together,hugs,xM.
     
  6. AlliBelle

    AlliBelle New Member

    I just loved everything you said here. Thank you. Yes, my grief is very different from my children’s. So far we’ve all been processing together. I’m watching carefully though for their own signals to me of what they want and don’t want. We talk of him daily, but I’m sure that will change as we move forward. That’s what I’m being most focused on is allowing this process to evolve in a way that we’re all comfortable with. I’m making my daily lists and doing what I feel able. I’m listening so closely to what I need that day. If I feel something I just let myself feel it. Same for my children. I cried yesterday. Haven’t had a good cry in a few days. I needed that.
     
    BaintreachBia likes this.
  7. Mdandmrsmcphee

    Mdandmrsmcphee New Member

     
  8. Mdandmrsmcphee

    Mdandmrsmcphee New Member

    I lost my wife 13 days ago and we too were in love and it was sudden. It hurts so much and I too have 3 children so I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I feel you pain and I am so sorry this happened to you too!
     
  9. AlliBelle

    AlliBelle New Member

    I’m so very sorry for you too. :( I’m now just past the two month mark. Still so new, but a lot has happened in these past two months. I feel like such a different person. It’s so sad. There’s so much to do when your spouse dies. I had no idea. I’m finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But, I know in some ways it’s good for me to be so busy. His death is going to hit me anew when I have more time on my hands.