My husband, Mark died suddenly and unexpectedly on December 4, 2014...18 months ago. I woke that morning to find him standing in the bathroom, and without him saying so, I knew something wasn't right. Before I could get a handle on what was happening, I was calling 911, I was giving him chest compressions to keep him alive and I was watching EMTs work to save his life. From the time I called, until the time I was told he was gone was about an hour and a half. How do you wrap your mind around that? On the way to the hospital (which is only about 3 minutes from my house), I NEVER thought he would die. I was concerned about the rehab he would have to endure. Before I knew it, I was calling people and telling them he was dead. How could he be dead? As I sat in the waiting room and anticipated the arrival of his family members, I think I retreated somewhere inside and went on auto-pilot. From the ER, to the funeral director to discuss his cremation to home and the nightmare that followed. There is still a little part of me that waits for his return, even though his ashes sit in my entryway; the place I rested them when I came back from his service. My life still has a numbness to it; seems in slow motion. Completely void of any joy whatsoever. I get through my days by taking care of our three fur babes, going to work and doing my best to focus on my job and try and appear "normal". This far along, I now know who I can discuss my grief with; the people who support me and listen and do not judge me or ask me why I haven't moved on. My strength has about a three week limit...I can tell when I am getting close to that limit. My brain no longer functions as it did...multi-tasking is no longer possible. I find I am my hardest critic. I still rarely allow myself to look at what I went through as a trauma. Not sure how to get it into my head that my life was shattered and devastated. I just try and function, and push myself harder than I probably should. Mark died on a Thursday; I was back to work that Monday. Did I go back too soon? I was kind of pushed to do it, and who was I to say no. I needed to keep my job. So now, I make my way through this "new normal". And it really sucks.