Here, Then Gone

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by Froggie4635, Jun 6, 2016.

  1. Froggie4635

    Froggie4635 New Member

    My husband, Mark died suddenly and unexpectedly on December 4, 2014...18 months ago. I woke that morning to find him standing in the bathroom, and without him saying so, I knew something wasn't right. Before I could get a handle on what was happening, I was calling 911, I was giving him chest compressions to keep him alive and I was watching EMTs work to save his life. From the time I called, until the time I was told he was gone was about an hour and a half. How do you wrap your mind around that? On the way to the hospital (which is only about 3 minutes from my house), I NEVER thought he would die. I was concerned about the rehab he would have to endure. Before I knew it, I was calling people and telling them he was dead. How could he be dead? As I sat in the waiting room and anticipated the arrival of his family members, I think I retreated somewhere inside and went on auto-pilot. From the ER, to the funeral director to discuss his cremation to home and the nightmare that followed. There is still a little part of me that waits for his return, even though his ashes sit in my entryway; the place I rested them when I came back from his service. My life still has a numbness to it; seems in slow motion. Completely void of any joy whatsoever. I get through my days by taking care of our three fur babes, going to work and doing my best to focus on my job and try and appear "normal". This far along, I now know who I can discuss my grief with; the people who support me and listen and do not judge me or ask me why I haven't moved on. My strength has about a three week limit...I can tell when I am getting close to that limit. My brain no longer functions as it did...multi-tasking is no longer possible. I find I am my hardest critic. I still rarely allow myself to look at what I went through as a trauma. Not sure how to get it into my head that my life was shattered and devastated. I just try and function, and push myself harder than I probably should. Mark died on a Thursday; I was back to work that Monday. Did I go back too soon? I was kind of pushed to do it, and who was I to say no. I needed to keep my job. So now, I make my way through this "new normal". And it really sucks.
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Thank you for sharing your story. It takes such a long time to even begin to heal, and in your case, having no opportunity to anticipate or prepare, it can take even longer. In the meanwhile "real life" continues to move forward and while we try to move with it, nothing feels the same. It feels like so much has lost its importance, purpose or meaning. I know there are so many people who can relate to what you are going through.
    It sounds like you are understanding your grief better as time passes and riding the waves of it as best you can. Sometimes that's all we can do.
    Thank you for being here and for allowing us to be a part of your journey.
  3. shellym09

    shellym09 New Member

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I can only image how difficult it is to lose your husband, your partner in life. I think it's normal to feel like you're just getting by for a long time. In time your new normal will start to just feel like normal... but it's a long process. I think that you are on the right track by acknowledging the impact this loss has had on you. Being strong is great but you have a right to grieve. Wishing you peace!

    griefic likes this.
  4. Melanie W

    Melanie W Member

    I am also so sorry for your loss and my heart hurts for you. Although it was beyond painful, I was prepared as best as I could be for my each of my parent's deaths. In reading griefic's reply to you, not having the opportunity to prepare or anticipate this happening- in my mind- had/has to be traumatic, abrupt, and cruel (I know these words probably don't even begin to describe it) and I can definitely see how it could take even longer to heal. As shellvm09 said as well, losing your husband/your partner in life- is hard to imagine. I marvel at your strength and honesty. When people tell me that I am strong, I inwardly roll my eyes, because I don't feel it. I hope telling you that you are strong does not offend you, because I think you are! What you went through does suck and I think you have every right to feel what you feel with no apologies. I tried putting on a happy face the past 2 years, but I definitely did not always feel it, and I did get to a point where my real feelings were evident. I think most people mean well but don't always understand that it is not easy to just "move on". I guess people in our lives just want us to be happy, but again, don't realize that it doesn't happen over night. I also wish you peace- and joy as well! I am so glad that you have "fur Babes" to comfort you and enjoy! I think animals do wonders and definitely love and support us unconditionally. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
    griefic likes this.
  5. My husband died suddenly July 8th 2016. He called me at work and said he thought he was having a heart attack. I work 45 min. away. My daughter rushed him to the er but he was gone within 5 minutes of reaching there. They did work on him for an hour but to no avail. I just couldn't believe it. My heart my life was gone and I didn't even get to see him or say goodbye. It has been so hard for me as I know each of you know and I am struggling to hold it together. Some days I just don't want to go on. But I do for our grandchildren. I am sorry for your losses as well. And I know though the pain will maybe lessen it will always be there. I just can't imagine my life without him he was so kind and precious. And always thought of me. Without God I know I won't he has kept me from drowning in despair. Thoughts and prayers also for all of you.
    Gwen and Elenewlife like this.
  6. Elenewlife

    Elenewlife Member

  7. Elenewlife

    Elenewlife Member

    I lost my twin brother in a very traumatic, sudden way with no goodbye. It was seven months ago now and I'm still trying to find any reason to go on? I loved him more than life itself and in a very real way I lost half of me. All our lives I could feel his pain so I'm reliving what he must've gone through. I have nightmares where I wake up screaming. Can't eat or sleep I've lost thirty pounds. All I seem to do is cry? I have read everything I can get my hands on about twin loss and we all seem to go through something just like this. I've lost many people in my life but nothing compares to this. In every way my heart is broken into pieces.
    Adam's Mom likes this.
  8. I am so very sorry for your loss. And I hate it myself when people say in time it will get better in time the pain will go away. But you know that's not true. What is true is that the person we loved so much loved and still loves us so much they want us to carry on with our life and be happy. I know that myself because my husband and and I talked about it many times. But heres the catch there always is one. It's that trying to go on with that pain so sharp and so deep you don't even think you can breath. I lost my nephew in a motorcycle accident almost two years ago. and that pain doesn't even come close to this he was 33. People start going back on with their lives but yours is stuck I know. I don't know if you have children or grandchildren. Mine have been my reason to try to keep moving forward. I cry a lot. I even scream a lot. I don't know if you believe in God but I do. And I believe when we are born it is written when we will be called home. That doesn't make the pain any less but I know one sweet day I will see my husband again. Grief never ends it goes on and on you just learn to cope at your own pace. That part that is missing will never be filled again on this earth. God has helped me up and kept me going other wise I feel I may surely have gone under. I didn't get to tell my sweet William goodbye either and oh how that hurts and that was the first day in 15 years we hadn't said I love you. He was asleep when I left for work. Your brother though loves you very much and he wouldn't want to see you not taking care of yourself. I almost ended up in the hospital from dehydration and not eating. My family told me William would be so mad at you right now he always took care of you and it would break his heart knowing your not eating or drinking. I realized this was true and slowly each day I have tried to eat some and drink. I think in a way I was also feeling quilty because I was here and could and he wasn't and couldn't. I started a My dearest William journal and I write to him every night about my day. Or if I have something I want to tell him or so I write in it then. This seems to help because this is something special for just the two of us.One of my daughters said she felt like I had grieved enough but like I said that never goes away. I have had the holy comforter with me and I feel his presence when I have my melt downs so I don't feel quit as alone. My cousin lost her husband three years ago and she said it feels like only yesterday. I was told that isn't it wonderful that I loved someone that it hurts so bad now they are gone and how wonderful they had me to love them back that a lot of people don't have that. A lot of families aren't close. Your brother knew you loved him just like my William knew I loved him. Your brother loves you so much he would want you to always remember him. He would want you to eat and sleep because it would break his heart knowing that you weren't. You go on to keep his memory alive because he lives within your heart. And I know what you mean about the other part as well because my nephew was hit by a car that pulled out in front of him and I replay that in my mind all the time though I didn't see it. But I know my God took Steven before he hit He died instantly. I feel God had already taken his soul and he felt nothing. Just like my William the doctor said went peacefully he didn't suffer. It was a massive heart attack I didn't make it there in time I worked an hour away. I still struggle everyday and still have days I want to lay down and die. Then I think no William loved me he wouldn't want me to do this and I get up and do what I have to do. But like I said I cry and cry everyday I miss my heart so very much. Please start eating again and let the tears flow that's the love that flows. Nothing is ever going to be the same again. And we can grieve that's our heart breaking and mending over and over. But you have to live your life till your time is done that is what he would have wanted. To show him how much you love him you need to carry on and hold him close in your heart and never let go. Think of the good and bad times laugh and cry. That keeps them alive. Sorry I have went on and on but I do care about you and I want you to know I know the pain and how you feel. So cry when you want to you will forever grieve. Start eating take it slow at first take care of yourself. Maybe start your own journal and talk to him everyday. Sending hugs your way and I'm praying for God to give you strength because his strength is truly what we need.
  9. Elenewlife

    Elenewlife Member

    Thank you so much for your kind reply! I was told 'deep love yields deep grief' and I have found that to be true. You know all about that as well. I have no grandchildren, no extended family. My other siblings don't understand at all but they weren't twins? You are SOOO right he would be so angry with me for being in this place!! But, as 'my other half' he knows me best of all and knows my emotional nature. Always wore my heart out on my sleeve. I just miss him so? He was my best girlfriend, boyfriend, everything. A great chunk of me left with him.

    I, too am a Christian and it is only supernatural power that guides me forward each day. I ask and receive and hopefully each day gets a bit easier. With no goodbye, no cause of death, no closure it is even harder. Poof he's just gone. Hard to take. I have to trust it was in God's time and He knows what He's doing when I don't? And that I couldn't have added one moment to his life had I been there. I feel awful he was all alone. Was going to see him the next day?

    So sorry for your losses. It's very hard.
  10. I know what you mean about your brother being best girlfriend, boyfriend everything. William was who I went to for everything. I would ask does this look good when getting ready to go somewhere. Or what movie are you in the mood for. ( always science fiction) once in a while I would ask for a veto and get a sappy love story or a scary movie but it was the spending the time together that counted. I am so sorry you lost your brother in a traumatic way and I know your pain of not being there. I wish I had been the one to drive my husband to the hospital and not my daughter. I wish I had had those few precious moments. And I agree with you deep love does yield deep grief and how very lucky we were to have known such love. And to have given them that love in return. It's hard even as a Christian to understand because I surely don't and I have been having some pretty rough days myself. Everyone elses life goes on but yours is forever changed. I have heard before about the special bond between twins. Don't ever let anyone tell you different and don't ever let them tell you it's time to stop grieving because you never will. You just learn to cope. Oh and please know he wasn't alone. Just like my William wasn't alone God sent his angels to guide him home. Maybe even a family member that had passed on before. My pastor said he thinks himself that God does either send our loved one to greet us or they are there waiting for us. William had been talking a lot about his mother about two weeks before he passed I want to believe she is the one who came to guide him home. He loved his mom so very much. But your brother had a hand to hold onto. I too wish I had told him on the phone when he told me he was headed to the hospital that I loved him but I was trying to hurry to get out the door. I work an hour away. But just like William knew I loved him your brother knows you love him and that love and bond can never be broken and they are not dead they just aren't here with us anymore and that's what hurts. They are alive and joyous in heaven. And it seems that just when you think you have a hold on it here go the flood gates again. And that is fine because it was deep love for both of us and you will see your brother again when God says it's your turn to come home. But for now he wants you here and he is taking care of your brother. Sending a big hug to you. And you and I both will carry on for them because that is what they want.
  11. TruTime

    TruTime Member

    I will be 4 years out come October 23rd. I lost my precious husband Alan due to a motorcycle accident when another driver pulled across the highway in front of him. He was on his way to work. He had left early for his men's prayer group that morning so I didn't see him b4 he left. I met the ambulance at the ER where he acknowledged my presence but he never spoke again. Unexpected loss is tragic and so traumatic to us. Takes a length of time to recover from the shock and having to handle arrangements. Take the time you need -everyone is different. Be kind to yourself. No expectations, no judgement. One thing I know now is that you don't just 'get over it and
    move on'. You have to grieve...make Grief your friend. Do not fear her, but embrace her. Allow her to walk this path with you. People who have not experienced it, don't understand that. You learn to live with the loss in your afterloss, as I've heard it refered to. Your family and friends want the 'old you ' back. What they don't know is that she doesn't exist any more. There is a new you. A different you. And she will continue to change as time passes. Give her the time she needs to evolve, heal, grow and discover who she will become. And, let know one tell you who to be or when to "move on". God bless you and give you comfort.
  12. My husband died due to a massive heart attack July 8th I never got to see him at all that day. He was sleeping when I left for work. They said he never struggled and was calm. I died % min after reaching the er my daughter had taken him. My 33 year old nephew died Nov.11 2014 when a car turned in front of him on his motorcycle. He was on his way to help a friend to build a ramp for her mother who had to begin using a wheelchair. I believe God took them both before they suffered I believe their souls were carried away. They said my William went peacefully and Steven was lying in a fetal position but there was no look of pain on his face. The things that was done to his precious body in the wreck would have been excruciating. I'm thankful God took them peacefully home though to us it was horrible to know how they were taken here on earth. I believe you have a time to be born and he knows when you will leave this earth as well when you are born. I'm thinking about what you said embrace grief. I don't think I'm sure how to do that. I hate it and how it makes me feel. And your right your not who you once were and people think well give her a month or two she will be back to herself. But that can never be. I am only learning to live with it. I talk to him often and I have a journal I write to him in every night. It helps some but there is no hug no kiss no tender words. Even your own children don't understand. it was his step children. Well my one daughter days because she had a miscarriage and she struggles with that daily. and she understands that pain doesn't go away. She said Mom now my baby has a grandparent in heaven to be with them.
  13. TruTime

    TruTime Member

    Hey, thanks for your reply. It's good to talk about our grief and how we live with it. In reference to my statement about embracing your grief. When Ilost Alan that day, I was in a state of shock, of course. In that state, I functioned in auto-mode...doing what had to be done. For months I wondered that I wasn't grieving , that something wasn't right. Not to say that I wasn't in deep heartache, but I just felt something was missing. I finally figured out that this state of shock was insulating me from feeling. I was walking through my days dealing with the ramifications of Alan's death...paperwork, insurance and medical bills, widow's benefits, even figuring out user ID's and passwords for accounts, memberships. And on and on! Once most of that was solved and this state wore off and I didn’t have so much occupying my mind, then the deep grieving took hold. I gave in to it. I let myself be taken over by grief. It was soul wrenching, painful and beyond anything we should be able to endure. But in allowing myself to look grief in the face, I also knew down deep that I would survive. It was so painful, like I couldn't breathe and was drowning and dying for a breath of fresh air. After the second year, I finally felt I could breathe and was finally finding some semblance of healing and peace. It's been a long road, but embracing grief instead of denying my pain helped me heal, breathe and emerge syronger. Of course, God has been with me along the way. Sometimes I screamed along with the tears, but He understands all of that. May God bless you in your journey.
  14. That is one thing that I have found that when I talk about William I don't feel sad and I love talking about him and the things he said and did. It's when my mind lets the thought he's never coming home that I feel that total despair. If not for my faith though I just don't know how I would be holding on. But it has helped so much talking to others that know just how you feel. Because your family just doesn't. I want to remember everything about him the good and the bad like his just refusing to put the toilet seat down because it was just as fair because he had to raise it. Or when I went to bed at night he stayed on his work schedule and was up later. I would jump in bed and he would turn around in his chair at his computer and say That's ok Ill get the light then we would both laugh and say Love you.
    I want to hold all those memories close and tight. I write to him in a journal every night and I tell him That's ok Ill get the light. I know we both are going to get through this. God is holding us up.
  15. Daniel

    Daniel New Member

    Just lost my wife 2 months ago. found her unresponsive in bed I had to try to revive her unable to do it just a living nightmare now. we have two children also 12 and 15 . I live for them now. I tryed to work also just could not focus on anything. I decided to take the rest of the summer off to spend time with them. The best description is what you said it sucks. I am having a difficult time finding a new normal. Some days are better than others and I am told with time the pain will diminish . I hope it does
  16. We have to keep trying. Blessings. The stories make me cry. It's hard!
  17. Elenewlife

    Elenewlife Member

    Saturdays are hard for me. I used to travel 3 hours, shop for my brother, then I would stay over. Boy did we laugh like children!! Worse: I had given him a Yellow Lab almost six years ago now. We shared him. A 'friend' took the dog and pretended to be taking care of him when in truth she put him up for adoption at a shelter!! I LIVED for those Saturday's where I drive up and this silly dog was doing cartwheels in the driveway!!! He was huge! A big baby!! My brother couldn't even tell me what had happened: when he passed and I took his phone to my house and charged it, there were these sickening, pleading messages to this 'friend' begging for our dog!! You might say he died of a broken heart!!

    All of this hits me on Saturday. I went to a store innocently not too long ago, and suddenly found myself in an aisle filled with all the things I would have bought for Ken and Echo. I burst into sobs, dropped my little cart, and fled the store. It was then I realized, in shock actually, that there wasn't one store, be it a grocery store, a clothes store, that he wasn't either right beside me or I wasn't there shopping for him? I was horrified as I realized just then Oh My God he WAS my everything! And you know up to that very minute I didn't realize it? How could I have not known??

    I just had a similar experience where I received a card where they were discounting hair cuts? I was shocked to realize it was a place I had taken him in PA!! I wondered why now???

    I can't think of anything I don't associate him with? He was a part of everything I've ever done. I sit here crying as I miss him...,
  18. Now I understand what has been happening to me! I am so sorry for your loss. I don't think the pain ever goes away. Praying for you! Hugs and Love to you. :*-)
    Tara Wehry and Adam's Mom like this.
  19. Elenewlife

    Elenewlife Member

    I'm sure it doesn't. Sadly. I keep telling him I'm sorry. Then I ask 'what did you expect anyway'?? We were attached at the hip lifelong as all twins are. Just such sadness. Like starting to learn how to walk again. Thank you for your kind reply. God Bless you!
  20. OK2CRY

    OK2CRY Member

    They won't diminish but they will soften. Someone once said that they will never move on but they will move forward. I think you are doing a wonderful thing by spending time with your children during this difficult time. They need you now more than ever.