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Here I am again....

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by YellowEyeDog, Apr 17, 2021.

  1. YellowEyeDog

    YellowEyeDog Active Member

    Hello. I have been a member of this forum since 2018. I lost my husband of 48 years in 2018, to cancer. We were highschool sweethearts, anf soulmates. We had a wonder, amazing life together raising 2 great sons. I moved back to Ohio, after his death. I bought a house and in 2019 I met anf fell in love with so eone I went to high school with. It was his second marriage after a divorce. We married and he moved in with me. We married on December 24 2020. After being married one year, we both had Covid. I survived, he did not.

    I am so devastated going through this loss again. The loneliness is unbearable again. This really is testing my faith. I have been through this , but I still feel as if I cant breathe.... the heart break is profound. I constantly ask God, why. Why me, why again ? I just cant even think about the future right now. Ijust cant believe this has happened to me again, and so soon after I was fortunate enough tofind a second love in my lifetime.
     
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  2. LinF

    LinF Member

    I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband two weeks ago-the love of my life. I consider him my once in a lifetime and do not believe for a minute I could be that lucky again. Your pain must be unbearable, to have to endure such a loss twice. Perhaps our belief in ourselves has been crushed by the incredible sadness we must get through before we think it's okay to laugh, smile, or enjoy ourselves again. I'm trying to hang on, taking one day at a time, and keeping an open mind about how I will handle whatever future I have left, whatever that might be. Sending you love and light to help you on your journey.
     
  3. YellowEyeDog

    YellowEyeDog Active Member

    I am SO very sorry for your loss. I do know your feelings and emotions. Grief and the sadness is a process. But you will work through it. It takes time. After losing my first husband I never gave it a thought that I would fall in love again. It was the furthest thing from my mind. There could never be another like him. There could never be another that could love me like he did. But, I was wrong. No, it was not the same, it was a totally new, different experience. It felt so good to be in love. It felt so good that so eone loved and cherished me again. It was not the same. It was very different, but it was a very good and new different. I felt on top of the world again. Yes I have a second devastating loss in my life. I am still going through the grieving process. But I know, there will be light in my life again. I have been through this, but it isn’t any easier, sometimes I think it is worse. I get up, and then I get down in my moods. I am biding my time , waiting for my heart to heal. I hope this will help give you hope, that there is light at the end of the tunnel for you. It IS there, it just takes time. Be strong. Sending you love and light.
     
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  4. Angi9349

    Angi9349 New Member

    First, let me say that I'm so sorry for your loss. This pain that we feel is shattering and I wish I knew the answer as to how to get thru it.

    Secondly, I too have lost two husbands. My first husband passed in 2005. He turned 32 in the hospital and I was just 26. He was diagnosed with cancer and lasted 4 months with chemo every week. I eventually got married again in 2013 and was blessed with two beautiful children. My husband got into an ATV accident and was on life support for 10 days and passed away on April 6th. This pain that I feel this time is so different than when my first husband passed. I had time to mentally prepare myself the first time, but this time it was sudden and I would have never thought I would be made to endure TWO husbands passing. I question my faith, life, everything. I am so thankful that I have my girls (7 and 4) because they do not let me get in my head and waste away like I feel like doing. They are constantly in my face reminding me that I have to live for them, and keep putting one foot in front of the other for them. I am so heartbroken and some days I just want to sit down and let the world pass by me. We live on a farm with his parents on one side and his brother on the other side with horse pastures between us. Thankfully, I am super close with his family. It pains me to see how everybody is hurting even tho it's in their own way for the relationship they had with him. I just don't know how to get thru this again...
     
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  5. LinF

    LinF Member

     
  6. LinF

    LinF Member

    When my husband's health was declining, I became caretaker, more than just what I had done before taking care of the household. People would ask me how I did it all and I would reply "I didn't get a choice. He would do it for me, I do it because I love him". We have no choice in our current situation, but we can choose to react in a way which would make them proud. My husband was not a quitter, he had to fight for everything in life, and he made me a better person by teaching me the same-'you can do this, never give up, you are tough'. I can't imagine the pain of your situation, losing two people you love so much. But we go on because we have no choice but to honor their memory because we love them so much. It's still early for me, I'm still having daily breakdowns, but then I get up and shake it off because he would want me to. One day at a time. I can hear him saying "you're burning daylight, woman" when I reluctantly open my eyes in the morning to face another day without him. Right now, he's asking "who are you mad at now?" as I pound away on the keyboard. They have left an indelible impression on our souls and left us different than we were before. We can do this. Sending you love, light and peace.
     
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  7. YellowEyeDog

    YellowEyeDog Active Member

    I am so sorry for your losses. One thing you said that rings true for me, is this second loss is different for me too. The second time falling in love was different. I chalk that up to age. I was 18 when I married my high school sweetheart and we were married 48 years when he passed. Yes I had time to prepare for being without him, he was ill for over a year before he was gone. I was 68 years old this time around. I think wisdom and lifelong experiences made this time more deeply meaningful. Therefore I feel a deeper loss.

    I am trying to start each day with a positive thought in mind. Hoping this will give me a more positive outlook for the day. Sometimes it works, sometimes not.

    I think it is a good thing we have going here. We can share our losses and the ups and downs we go through. I know I am not alone in feeling the way I do. Its just harder some days than others. I know in time it will get better. In the mean time, thankyou for sharing your story... we will get through this...








     
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  8. YellowEyeDog

    YellowEyeDog Active Member

    LinF, you make a good point, a good way to try to think of it... try to live your life so they ( our spouses) would be proud of us.

    Instead of feeling sorry for myself Ihave tried to change the way I look at things. I was angry at first that my prayers were not answered. A friend told me that maybe that is true, MY prayers were not answered but maybe Rick’s prayers were.... and I think she must be right... had Rick recovered from covid he would have had a hard uphill battle to get back to his previous health state. I think he did not want to be a burden on me. His prayers were answered.... and I would have gladly let him have his prayers answered if I had a choice between his and mine....and thinking about it in this way has helped me to not be angry. I guess there are always different perspectives ....I am trying to look for the positive perspective... I do t always find it... but I try.
     
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  9. LinF

    LinF Member

    I'm trying to take the emphasis off of my pain as well, which is so hard because sometimes it's stupefying. My husband was a gift, my reward for the terrible marriage it took me so long to get out of, and he found refuge in me as well. It was a miracle. I used to curse the dark, wondering why, after everything we had been through in our life before we found each other, why did he have to get sick? Why was our time together going to be cut so short? It occurred to me, just the other day-even though we were both grateful to have found the love of our life, and treasured that-maybe I was sent to him specifically so he would know what it was like to have someone so in love with him, so devoted, that they would do anything to keep him safe and comfortable? Everything I did for him I did because I loved him, and if the situation were reversed, he would not have had a moment's hesitation to do the same for me. Maybe the cosmos knew he had a hole in his soul that needed to be filled with the love I had for him...before he could start his journey. I am not a religious person and neither was he, but I believe our energy does not die, it only changes form, and I'll be with him again someday. Right now that's the only thing that comforts me as I try to find my way.
     
  10. YellowEyeDog

    YellowEyeDog Active Member

    LinF, your relationship is so similar to ours. I had a wonderful first marriage, and never dreamed there would ever be a second love in my life, even greater than the first, but I did. Rick is the one that had a devastating divorce and was treated so badly by his ex,his sons and even his parents, as a child. All of Ricks family and friends called me “Rick’s angel”. He actually called me that after we first met. I loved him like nobody ever loved him. I took care of him, I homecooked cooked all his favorites. We went out and had fun going to fairs, festivals, played on playground equipment...my youngest son said we acted like teenagers in love. Thats how we both felt. I loved doing things for him, I loved everything about having him in my life. I was a caregiver for my first husband, when he had cancer. Then I was a caregiver for Rick. I guess thats my role in life. A caregiver. I feel grateful for being able to show Rick what its like to have someone really truly love him. I just wasn’t ready for it to end. I think it is good that you and I are taking this perspective on our losses. Keep your chin up.
     
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  11. Angi9349

    Angi9349 New Member

    YellowEyeDog - I was also 18 when I first got married. I was 26 when he passed. I am now 43 and my husband was just 33. I have known so much death in my life that it's ridiculous and I never thought that I'd have to go thru it again, especially so soon in life. I do try to stay positive, and while I'm working my mind stays off of things but then I see a picture of him, or a video, and I go back down into that dark place again. My 7 year old this morning was remembering her daddy and was talking to me about it and then said "I think I've forgotten what his voice sounds like" and started crying. It's those moments that break my heart so much because I can't fix them. I'm their mom and have no idea how to get them thru this. I am so sorry that we're all dealing with this. I know it is inevitable, but it's not easy dealing with it.