Discussion in 'Loss of a Parent' started by Gracey Neymar, May 2, 2020.
I just need help before I loose myself
Perhaps you could tell us what is so troubling to you.
Though I am trying to reach out to you, I hope you will talk. Nothing big is asked, just some push in the right direction, and don’t worry, it ok to take your time I know loss is such a crippling experience. So talk your time and we will be gentle with you.
I am deeply saddened by the loss of either your mother or your father or both. Your mother was the one who brought you into the world. She raised you. She wiped those tears from your eyes. Put those bandages on your cuts and scrapes. She hugged and kissed you so often, during your sad times and even the best of times.
Your father protected you. He was your special angel and guardian in life. He helped you in life whenever he could. His hugs and kisses were just as tender and special as your mother.
When we lose our parents or just one, it is as if our heart is taken from us, and life will never be the same again. Days no longer seem special anymore. Gracey, I hope you will reach out more to us and let us know who you have lost.
I have lost both of my parents in the past, first my dad to lung cancer, and then later my mother from stomach flu. I know our parents teach us to stand on our own two feet in life. Even so, once they are no longer around to talk with, and be with, or just call, life is hard to accept.
I sometimes look back and wonder if there was anything I could have done to change the outcome. But I have found that does nothing more than to bring you down to not find a way forward in your life to start to find a way to accept the loss or losses.
So Gracey we are here to help. To talk with you, to offer our heartfelt comments to you.
Peace be with you.
This song is for you
Last year on 15th September,my dad complained of a headache and so we took him to get some medicines from the nearby hood clinic.
On 20th of the same month in the evening after coming from work, my mum suggested we take him back to the clinic because that day he had vomited alot,his temperature was high and still complained of headaches. Unfortunately he refused saying that we would do it tomorrow because it had gotten dark and the headaches had reduced...
We did that and the following day being 21st,a day that's so vivid in my mind ,I woke up asked for bus fare from him which he gave me then I bid him a goodbye peck while he was still in bed and off I rushed to work..
At around 1100hours,I received a very bad news call on my phone from my brother in-law. He said that my dad had stroke while at home and he was immediately rushed to the hospital. I have never felt so much lost, afraid and confused after that call because for starters, I had never seen my dad hospitalized or serious ill in my life.Godly given good health had been his portion for a long time..I quickly informed the manager on duty and quickly rushed to get a but to the hospital. My brother called me in between the journey telling me to wait for them at a certain place because they were coming after having being referred to another hospital and so I had to alight .After some time,our car pulled over to where I sat beside the road and boarded in. Inside was my brother driving,sister,dad and mum. So after boarding in,I called my dad,"dad" and shock on me my dad couldn't finish saying out my name..The stroke has started affecting his speech and paralyzed him on the left side..I screamed and cried because I couldn't just believe everything that was happening because it was happening so fast and so traumatising..
We arrived and immediately two scans were done which revealed that he had a major stroke..He was admitted and two days after the admission,He was taken to the ICU after falling into a semi comma..
Friday the following week being 27th, a major hour long brain surgery was done and then two other major ones and three minor ones at different body places... All this time ,after surgery,he was in ICU and HDU..
I have never ever felt lonely, drained,afraid,angry,hopeless like the days dad was in HDU and ICU...
We would spend everyday from early morning staying at the hospital while working on shifts of who would sleep in the hospital and during this time,the doctors wouldn't just allow us to see him while other times we would just see him over the glass cubicle...
For the times we went in to see him,we would come out more alive,more hopeful,more strong ,have much faith in God because just seeing him put some sanity and joy to our lives as he lay on that bed even if he couldn't talk back to us because of the tracheostomy pipe plus the loss of speech..
And being a daddy's girl, one of my happiest moment during that hard time, was when I went in ,called him,and then he opens his eyes for me ,hold his hand and he would try to press mine from afar because his nerves were very weak and he was still numb.. I would pretend not to cry and tell him good job dad you doing it...It was such a bittersweet moment but afterwards I would just go cry it out in the ICU waiting room because you just can't do it infront of a patient who's struggling for his life which machines and pipes all over..
During the last week of October,the primary doctor told us dad's health was improving and he was to be taken to his private ward which they did but after two days ,the doctors returned him back to the HDU because it returned back to being serious..
To cut a long story short,on 4th November,I'd gone to work just to try to distract off ,my sister came for me..
So I went and asked her what was wrong,she told me that our mum was calling us because she had something to tell us.. Nothing alarming crossed me instantly that time because she delivered the message so calmly but immediately my mind thoughts shifted to dad ,I just asked her if my dad was okay and she told(she lied and I didn't know by that time) me that dad was super okay.. So I took off my belongings and as we reached the gate, behind us pulls my uncle's car and we enter..all this time nothing is hitting me about the seriousness of dad ..I asked my aunty why did they have to come all of them to my workplace becauseone person was enough and she said it was mum's suggestion.. Apparently,to them they came(siz,uncle,aunt,siz) because they thought someone would have delivered me the bad news that I was the second last person to know of..Those were the most long twenty minutes of my life!!!
My aunt said even before the car had pulled over to the parking,I'd already jumped off..
So I went and stood at the hospital glass door and didn't see a sign of my mum and as I stood checking around the compound,I saw in the hospital garden faces that were familiar.. I rushed trying to see where my mum was seated at and there she sat between people with her face covered with her hands and her head bowed to her laps..
After noticing her all I remember was I was just screaming and shouting "no mum! No mum!" Because she didn't have to tell me! It was just written on everyone's faces..
My Lord Jesus is the only person who can tell what I felt that moment.no amount of words can describe the feeling and pain I felt that moment after knowing my dad was no more..
My sweet loving dad. The guy that was my whole world and everything.The best friend I had even before being a dad.The sacrifices we've made for a father and a daughter..The unsung hero of super rally driver..The fixer of my world,the annointed prisest of our family who prayed for us everyday everytime.the buddy ,the shoulder,the listener,the protector,the care giver,the bread winner,the source of our joy...
He was just everything to me..Yes they are perfect dad's out here but my dad was just simply the best..
He might not have being the perfect one but one thing I know of is that he was the most amazing person I got to know of!
And then death decides to sting him away from me as a first person for a loss...
It's my first time experiencing a loss and what I can say six months down the line it surely hurts so so much..
Everything so fresh and clear .
I'm writing this through sobs..
All I'm trying to say is that six months afterwards, I am
I have loss of appetite
Finding problems sleeping
Feelings that my life is meaningless
Having trouble completing daily tasks
Having increased irritability and anger
Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness
Having Intensified longing for my dad
I go to familiar places hoping to see him
Avoiding people or places that remind me of him
having Lack of self-care
Finding it trouble believing that dad is no more
Facing loss of identity
Worrying about myself, mum
I am withdrawing from social interactions
Feelings of worthlessness
Having persistent grief and intrusive thoughts
Lacking a support system
Getting Unexplained illnesses such as headaches or stomachache
And I just need help ...
I just need help
Thank you David
First I would like to tell you how grateful I am for you sharing this terrible and trying story of the loss of your father. I can feel the intensity and pain in every one of your words, and like your words are powerful and when they are such as yours it is natural to have a deluge of sorrow and tears. I know you have held up yourself well since the loss of your father, but of course time and the nature of loss catches up to each of us some more than others.
The uncontrollable crying, the lack of appetite, no sleeping, and panic attacks are natural and your body is telling you that you need professional treatment with antidepressants if you are not on them yet.
In my life I have experienced so much loss and each was so personal to me. The one who affected me the most was also my father. He wasn't feeling well and asked me to take him to a doctors appointment. He was a hero to me, a World War 2 veteran who had survived many campaigns. So I rode dad to his appointment on Valentines day no less. I waiting outside because he wanted to do it alone, damn strong man. He was a giant of a man, muscular and over 6 feet.
When he came out he got in the car and sat quiet for ten minutes. He then asked me to drive him to Lake Auburn, on the outskirts of the city of Auburn, Maine. I arrived and parked the car. He finally looked at me, but his gaze was so intent and penetrating. He told me the doctor had told him he had stage 4 cancer and had less than a week to live. This was the first time father ever informed me of him having cancer. You see weekly, 3 times a week I had been taking mom to dialysis, to and fro. So dad asked me, in my shocked state if I would take care of my mother. Of course I would I told him.
The next day father was on the phone making his funeral arrangements with the masons as the hospice nurse stood by his side. I listened, waited for him to finish and then talk for about an hour with father. I then went home to my wife Nadine and two sons, and I have no idea what I told them or how. The next day I walked in and the nurse was taking my father pulse, I walked up to mother, put my arms around her and the nurse then told us his heart was stopping. I held mother close, and waited as father passed that day. To this day I will forever hate Valentine's day, it will never be the same for me ever again. I was so man father never shared how much pain he was in, my step-brother would later tell me he knew, but yet he never shared it with me, I guess because I was the next to the youngest.
So I took care of mother for two years until she became too sick, up to that time I had been coming to her, driving her to dialysis 3 times a week, making sure Meal on Wheels came every day for food for her, fed her dozen cats, and still was going to college, and going home to my family at night. Mother was transferred to a hospice hospital near my step-brother, she passed a short time later of the stomach flu. Both of their deaths occurred in 1990.
But all this responsibility started to catch up to me. I developed panic attacks, Nadine my wife, saved me from choking 3 times, the last I was taken by ambulance to the hospital to remove a piece of food still in my throat. At that point forward I could no longer eat solid food. I felt like I had forgotten how to breathe and tried to practice to no avail. In short I was scared silly for my life. The last panic attack I ran to the corner of a room, sat in the corner and it was then that Nadine rushed the kids to a sitter, called our doctor and then took me to see him.
In the room with him, he also brought in a psychiatrist. They both asked me questions. I have no idea what they asked and what I answered, except for one response the doctor said - "No you can't catch your father's cancer." So the doctor prescribed antidepressants to me. I took them for 5 months. I will tell you I could not at times swallow water, oatmeal, or eat anything actually, so by the time it was all over I have lost over a hundred pounds. I was giant and almost a shadow of who I once was. It took years for me to recover, but I can tell you Gracey, those medicines worked and they most likely saved my life. Nadine by taking me to them had saved me for the fourth time, with performing the Heimlich maneuver on me the other 3 times. I can thank her nurse training.
Gracey, I will tell you your father sounded like a wonderful man. Someone who I would have been proud to have known.
I want you to realize, you are at your most vulnerable period in your life. You need to reach out to a doctor. Even if during this isolation you can do it over the internet. Why I know. Yesterday both of my sons had their doctors appointments over the internet with face time with both of their doctors. So I believe just like them you can do the same and then he can also have a psychiatrist available or set up a video conference with him/her also. Please don't neglect the importance of this, your well-being is very important.
So those lack of support systems can be accomplished, just not in the usual way, in person. Also if you are close to a hospital, call them and talk to them openly and listen to what they have to tell you. Let your family and friends no how hopeless life seems right now, and for God's sake keep fighting the fight for yourself.
We will be here for you. We will talk with you and offer our friendship with words and hope to remind you each time that at this point in your life no one is more important than you and you alone. Gracey you keep reaching out and we will grab your hands virtually. May God Bless you in this most trying time. I will say a prayer for you. Peace be with you in the days that follow.
-david, a very strong Roman Catholic who believes - For anyone who ever wonders why I never capitalize my name, because who I am is not as important as who I am talking with.
This is a song of a child who grows into a woman and loses her dad
I lost my dad last year too from terminal cancer. I relate so much to all the ways you describe your dad. My father was the same, my buddy, the one who blessed us, my confidante... I miss him so much. You’re not alone in your grief or struggle. It may feel as though you are (I feel that way too) but you aren’t. Thank you for sharing your story as it helped me to not feel so alone. I’m praying for you!
I lost my dad just a few weeks ago and I am devastated and I can relate to everything you are going through because I am going through it too. You are not alone and there is absolutely nothing that you can do about this. I thought that I would never recover when I lost my mom in 2014, but I can tell you from experience, it does get easier and you will laugh again. After my mom died, I held onto my dad for dear life because I didnt want to be all alone in the world, then what I believed would be just another trip to the hospital for my dad turned my whole world upside down 2 weeks ago when he didnt leave the hospital. I felt like somebody ripped all of my insides out and I still feel numb and sick just thinking that I have to go through the rest of my life without either of my parents, but I know that how I feel right now will pass. I was my parent's youngest daughter and the most attached to both of them. Having them and losing them is humbling and I know that I wasnt the same after my mom, but some semblance of normalcy did return to my life and I know that some semblance of normalcy will eventually return this time. It does get easier Gracey and you are not alone. I will pray that God brings you peace.