Help moving forward

Discussion in 'Dealing With Multiple Losses' started by Zephyr, Apr 28, 2020.

  1. Zephyr

    Zephyr New Member

      • Where do I start? Usually I'm the type of person who "stays to myself". I try to fix all my problems and other people's... I'm known as "the strong one" but that all changed on March 6th of 2020, early in the morning as I held my 2nd husband's hand of 15 years, the love of my life and best friend as he silently passed away from terminal stage 4 colon cancer. I'm no stranger to loss and grief.. having lost my daughter at two weeks old due to complications of a kidney infection that I had when six months pregnant. Later finding out all my health problems were due to me having multiple sclerosis. She was a beautiful little girl..perfect in every way except the very enlarged heart filling almost her whole chest. I'm very blessed I got to know her for as long as I did. Two weeks later my best friend who helped me name her passed on as well. I met my first husband when I was 18 years old...married him at 19 and had four son's. He was also the father of my daughter who had passed. It was a mentally and sometimes physically abusive marriage that I stayed in for 23 years!!! He put me and my kids through so much but stayed in the marriage out of fear! The retribution we all would have suffered was very real if I had left him. He ended up passing from liver failure and we talked while on his death bed and he apologized for everything. It was cleansing and glad we were able to accomplish that. I had given up hope of ever finding happiness and only lived for my children. Then I met my wonderful 2nd husband and soul mate! He saved me litterly! Renewed my faith in humanity. We never had one argument in those 15 years and took on helping me with my children. He helped me raise my granddaughter from 2 months of age till present (she is now almost 7 yrs old) my oldest son had a nervous breakdown and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and was there for me and him when he was admitted into the mental ward of our local hospital. He now lives with me as well and will never be able to take care of himself. I was my 2nd husband's caretaker for the last six months when he could no longer take care of himself ...all while taking care of my son and Granddaughter and trying to take care of my worsening symptoms of multiple sclerosis. It's been a long hard journey. I'm trying to keep it together but feeling myself falling apart. My granddaughter now lives with her dad and wonderful girlfriend and her new little sister. I joined this site as I obviously needed some sort of outlet for my feelings. I feel everything crashing down on me and this once strong woman is needing help to move on and find my way. Hopefully this wasn't too long winded.
     
  2. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    First, don't worry about being long winded we all have a story as to why were here. And secondly sometimes it takes strength to allow yourself to be weak, and give into the grief. I lost my husband, love of my life in December, and for the first few weeks I barely took care of myself, just keep writing, it is an outlet and there are some truly wonderful people on here at various stages of their journey. The common theme you'll see is that things will get better, the timeline no one can say. You've already gone through so much, it's what made you strong. Let your emotions just be whatever they need to be, try to get enough rest and eat well, I know a couple of people with MS and they've told me this is important.

    Losing a soulmate feels as if your heart has been torn out. I too am the problem solver usually, and people didn't know how to handle it when I was having a hard time. One of my husband's friends was suffering the loss and as much as I get that I had to not answer the phone, I barely had enough for me to get through the day, I couldn't help him. Be ready if this comes your way. One person asked me how I was doing and I said I feel like someone ripped out my heart, stomped on it and then threw it in the garbage disposal turned that on and walked away. In other words or your words crashing down on you.

    Have faith in that inner strength, it's there in you. You may not be hearing it now because let's face it this is just something that's too big. The voice in your head and heart will lead the way, give it space and time.
     
  3. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Zephyr,

    So very sorry for the loss of your husband, and your daughter at two weeks also. Losing the support of your best friend was terrible as well. So you, your four sons are all suffering the loss of one your mate, and two the loss of their father. I hope all of you have had the opportunity to seek professional help. A counselor, psychiatrist, and/or a priest could help talk out those inner feelings that capture all of you during this trying time.

    Not being able to discuss this loss would be a detriment to all of you. Holding in all those feelings can lead to depression.

    It was healing to have your first husband finally talk openly with you even at the end of his life, as it allowed both of you to discuss all those repressed feelings you retained over time. It was good for both of you.

    When you met your second husband, you found in him what you had been hoping for in marriage, a union of both help each other through life.
    Having to take care of both your husband and oldest son are a tremendous burden on your mindset. I hope you had some help from other family members as well.

    Whatever words you need to speak are coming from the heart, and how long they do not matter. The most important thing is being able to talk about what is troubling you. No one has all the answers you might seek, but at least by allowing yourself to be open, you can start to address what troubles you.

    I fell victim to not allowing myself to weep for my father and fell victim to depression. I was treated for 5 months and recovered. So the lesson I take away from that time in my life is you have to allow yourself to feel your pain, you can't keep it hidden away or it will eat you up inside and take control of you.

    Just remember you are not alone in feeling lonely, feeling helpless, not knowing how to deal with your feelings, and lastly what to do to help yourself. Just realize you are just as fragile as all the rest of us. I once thought a man could not weep. One day I saw my dad openly do that in private. He was a WW2 vet and a hero to me. I found what set him off was losing a new cat he had, just the smallest of things.

    So allow yourself to open up, length don't matter, just the fact that you are showing us your vulnerability is what matters the most. Take care. We will be here to listen and respond. Watch out for your well-being.

    -david

     
    Zephyr and glego like this.
  4. Zephyr

    Zephyr New Member

    David
    Thanks you so much for your kind eloquent words! First let me say, I'm sorry for the loss of your father. The story you shared of the first time you saw him cry touched me. One thing I have learned is that some of the toughest people actually have the biggest hearts.
    I'm also in the process of watching my dear sweet mother pass away slowly. My heart goes out to you! I'm so happy you got treatment for your depression and recoverd.
    This is the first time I have experienced depression that I can't seem to find a way out of. I usually have great coping skills and my faith helps me through so much (suicide has never been an option for me) but I'm just going through the motions right now as I'm sure your familiar with.
    I know everyone goes through greif at some point...some take it harder than others. I just have had so much all at once that my coping skills are not working very well lately.
    Today was not a very good day as my advanced Multiple Sclerosis was acting up. I have severe muscle spasms that make my whole body hurt...the rain making it worse.
    I hope you are doing well today and finding ways to cope with this quarantine thing going on. I wish for you happiness and health and hope you have a good support system.
    It's nice to know that there is still good people out there that care enough (even for total strangers) to reach out and try to help someone when they themselves hurt inside.
    So....thank you!
    That was a beautiful video and made me cry...I do know not to hold stuff inside but sometimes (like my case) I have to.. too be strong for other's.
    If I ever take longer than usual to answer anyone on here...know that I'm not trying to be rude or don't appreciate things. I run over to take care of my bed ridden mother sometimes and my granddaughter is here a lot. My son may need some mental coaching or care or it's my health. Yes, I have a lot on my plate...but know if anyone here wants to vent or needs help or just to talk.. eventually I will be here for them.
    Take care,
    Kassey
     
  5. Zephyr

    Zephyr New Member

     
  6. Zephyr

    Zephyr New Member

    Thank you so much,
    Honestly you sounds so much like me. I want to also thank you for inboxing me and our conversations there.
    I'm sorry very for your loss! It definitely feels like your heart is ripped out. Sometimes you feel like your doing ok then...bam..a memory or a song or image pops into your head and you are right back where you started. I had one of those (oops moments) today....where you think of something and then say to yourself, wait till I tell him about this! Then the hurt of knowing you can't!
    Life's hard for sure...some harder than others but it all hurts the same.
    You are appreciated and thank you for sharing your story with me. I'm here for you if you need me...might take a while sometimes but I'm here.
    Take care of yourself
    Kassey
     
    glego likes this.
  7. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member


    Zephyr,

    Thank you. After each loss in our life we morph so profoundly into something so different. Each of us takes loss so differently. While in the service I seen so many people change, some for the good, some for the bad, and some you never know because they kept their hurt inside them and allowed that sorrow consume slowly.

    Some of us have support, still others face this uphill battle by themselves or so that is how they perceive their new life. If only comes up often after a person sadly takes their own life. If only they had reached out they could find someone who would grab that hand and help them move through the most difficult times in their life. I had the support of my wife and sons, the military, and will admit until my wife's loss I was covered and helped even after she passed.

    Unfortunately as time does so often, our help might disappear as did mine. It is not that those we know and love don't also love us, it is that can't feel the pain we must endure till we can tolerate it. I had my period of isolation before Covid-19 came into our lives. I was lost, I was trying to find a way to live again.

    The strangest thing was when I found this site and talked with strangers I was finally able to open up again. If I had not done that who knows if I would still be here today. We each are intricate people with complex thoughts and feelings and if we don't learn ourselves we can lose ourselves. By opening up our most vulnerable feelings sure we are taking a chance on others, but if we don't we will never find the relief we each need after a loss.

    When I finally one day could accept the loss of my wife of 42 years I knew I was no longer the same person anymore, but one who admitted he needed help and found it during the toughest time in my life. When the weight of her loss finally lifted off my shoulders I could sense, sure I could still feel, still cry, but it was so different now. It was an understanding that life as fragile as it to each of us, 'No Man Is An Island Unto Himself.'

    You take care. Be mindful of how you feel inside. Peace be with you.

    -david

    Here is a song for you today

     
  8. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Zephyr,
    Let me say I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband. Your story made me cry as I read through. You’ve dealt with so much in your life. Proves you’re a strong woman. An abusive first husband, the loss of your beautiful daughter, diagnosed with MS etc. How wonderful you found such a as wonderful and caring man to share your life with. Who was there for you to help with your son and granddaughter and give support to you as you battle MS. And now sadly he was taken from you, heart breaking.
    You’re a very caring person, I can tell by reading your story, but right now you need to let people in and give you support. I know during this quarantine it can be very hard, hopefully you have family and friends reaching out to you and listening and supporting your needs.
    I’ll share a little about myself, I’ve lost many loved ones also to cancer, my Dad was a huge loss to me, that was in 1994, I was sure I couldn’t live a day without him. But I needed to help my Mom through with the loss, so I became even closer to her. She passed 2005, she had heart surgery then suffered from dementia, another huge loss! My brother in law fought brain cancer, that was a horrible fight but he tried so hard. My father in law to cancer and mother in law to Alzheimer’s only a year and half before my husband suffered a massive heart attack. Losing my husband is why I’m on this site. His heart attack was sudden, no previous signs. At 9:30 pm he didn’t feel well, then told me is was his heart, at the hospital at 11:34 pm I lost the love of my life. Two hours! This was 11/17/18, I’ve been struggling ever since. He was my everything! We did everything together, ran a business that I had to close. Together 24/7.
    I kind of have an understanding of what you’re dealing with having MS and how each day can be a different challenge. I suffer with RA and Ron helped me with more things then I can even list. I believe some of the same things that trigger a flare up for RA also cause that with MS. Stress, is a huge one, weather and season change too, pushing too much doing too much, or not moving enough. I feel your pain dealing with MS and your loss and so many other things. ❤️
    It’s hard when you’re trying to get through a day and things happen that you want to share with your spouse, or hear a favorite song or favorite movie is on tv, favorite foods are a trigger as well. No one who knows you so well to share things with, inside jokes, loving or silly texts. It’s all hard, but just deal with today. One day at a time, or hour or moment. For me nights and weekends are the hardest to get through. I get through the day and then say ok I made through today, try to sleep then think of tomorrow.
    I see you’ve received some good support here and I’m sure you’ll receive more. We all know and understand what and how you’re feeling. And that feels comforting to know you’re not alone.
    Keep posting. Reading and sharing, it has helped me so much, I didn’t find this site til 11 months after Ron passed, I was seriously struggling, my support was pretty much non existent except for my 2 children. Sharing on here has been a life saver for me.
    Sending you hugs! Robin