Guilt

My significant other passed away in June 2023 from alcoholism. I had left him 3 months earlier due to his addiction. Back in the Fall of 2022, I came home from work to find blood everywhere....it looked like a murder scene. He had esophageal varices that had burst. I rushed him to the ER and he was admitted to the ICU. Doctors prepared me for the possibility of him not making it out of the hospital...he was there for 3 weeks and then went in to physical rehab to learn how to walk and use his muscles again...it was a horrid experience. The doctors flat out told him if he continues drinking, they give him maybe 2-3 months to live. Me and his family tried to get him to go to rehab, but he fault so hard not to...he would not go, saying it wasn't for him. The day we left the hospital, I told him if he continued drinking, I would be leaving him. A few months went by and he did ok, no signs of alcohol. He started looking better, skin was clear and he was getting back to being the old self he was before. Another month or so passed and I started finding liquor bottles hidden in the house. I confronted and he would would just get angry and mean. I finally ended up leaving him. He begged me to stay, but I was drowning. I needed to save myself. 3 months later, he was found in a pool of blood...liquor bottles all around. Since then, I have not been able to kick the guilt. What if I had stayed? What if I had been there and found him in time. What hurts so bad, is the thought of him dying there alone. It's been over 2 years and I still break down and cry.....I carry this and can't seem to get past it.....I don't think I will ever get over it, not in this lifetime anyway.

 

I can feel your guilt and loss. I can relate as my father in India also got addicted to alcoholism and depression and despite all the efforts of the family nothing worked. we did not even have rehab centers in India, so it was all up to the family. the same story he would stop but then life would get to him. I listen to Eckhart Tolle who says that by doing this one goes below thinking to stop the unwanted voices in their head. in that state a person does not think of who he or she is hurting and will hurt like you have been hurt. I faced similar guilt for a few years until I found some peace that my father was suffering and now is in a better place with the lord. I had to go through the loss of my mother few years later. same feelings. as the older child in me and the spouse in you, the feelings of guilt are natural and always remain, but no one can make anyone else do what they do not want to. your husband and my father made their life choices. wrong while they were leading to loss of life and guilt among loved ones such as life. And with alcoholism there is never just that. almost always an underlying reason, anxiety, depression, dissatisfaction with life etc. I’m with you in your grief and guilt just be strong it was not your fault but his choice. may help some.