Guilt

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Bhicks, Feb 6, 2020.

  1. Bhicks

    Bhicks New Member

    My husband passed away last Tuesday, Jan 28th after a year and a half of battling cancer. I’m in the first stages of my grief and just starting to ask for help. I have such guilt I wasn’t in the room when he passed. There was family sleeping near him. I was sent to bed for some sleep. He was in Hospice care at home. The nurse that checked him said his bp was strong and it wouldn’t be that night. The grief and the guilt is overwhelming.
     
  2. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    The first thing I want to do is offer my most sincere condolences for your incredibly difficult loss. At this point in your grief, there are no words that can dull the horrible pain that you experiencing right now. My wife Janet passed away from brain cancer on October 18 of 2019, and I still grieve every minute of every day. She was in a hospice care facility, on 24 hour bed rest at the time of her death. It took 3 months for her to lose her fight. She was the most courageous person I have ever known. She was always more worried about me than herself. I recommend that you talk to the folks on this site and unload your feelings. We all want to help, and talking to people who understand is a big help. Ever since Janet assed I have texted her at least once every day. It has helped me. I have befriended people on this site (notably my friend Robin) who have helped get me through the down days. They all understand what you’re going through.
    Again, I’m so sorry for your loss.
    You have friends here.

    Bill
     
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  3. Bhicks

    Bhicks New Member

    Thank you. I think I’m losing my mind. He was my best friend for 29 years
     
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  4. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member



    I totally understand about losing your best friend. That’s what many of us who utilized this site have in common (along with grief). For the past twenty plus years Janet and I had spent every day 24/7, with each other. She was/is my very best friend, and I was with her 24/7 right up to her very last breath. I still love her with all my heart.
    Try not to feel guilty. In the end, you weren’t at fault in any way. Try to focus on the good times. You are going to have a few good days and a lot of very bad days. Just try to make it one minute at a time. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

    Bill
     
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  5. bel

    bel Member

    So sorry to hear about your loss. My heart is with you. It is just the most horrible felling losing our loved ones.
     
  6. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear of your huge loss. When my husband died in October I was so grief stricken that I barely remember those first weeks. Thinking was not possible. I was a mass of uncontrollable emotions. I think every emotion possible comes to the surface as we try to believe the unbelievable. Anger...why did you leave me? Guilt....if only I had? Despair...how can I go on? etc, etc. These are so normal and I let them wash over me. I yelled, I cried, I sat like a zombie. Don't worry about what others think...This is YOUR grief and it is one time in your life you are totally allowed to feel, do, and say what you must. It will get easier with time. Give yourself time.
     
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  7. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member

    Very sorry you find yourself here, it is the worst thing we have to go through. It's impossible to fathom the loss, try not to blame yourself, we all did our best to try and save our loved ones but unfortunately this is sometimes where we end up. It's been just over two months since my wife and best friend for the last 40 years has been gone, no part of this is something I'd ever considered before she got sick but I know with time and help from wherever I can find it I'll get through this and so will you !! Dan
     
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  8. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    So sorry for everyone's loss on here, we all grieve.

    Bhicks, please, don't feel guilty. I know right now you can't help it, and many of us myself included are dealing with guilt in some form, it's natural. My hope for all of us is that we soon forgive ourselves. There was no way you knew, even hospice didn't know. Of course you would have been bedside if you knew, family was in the room, you were home and your husband was home, this in itself is a gift.
     
  9. Lostman

    Lostman Member

    Bhicks,
    I also have lost a loved one . My wife/Best Friend of 43 yrs left on on Sept 30 2019, I have been dealing with every emotion I can think of anger, disbelief etc.
    I do meet with the hospitals Hospice Chaplin now once a month. He brought me a small paperback book to read as i;m not a book reader.
    The book I would recommend is call Good Grief by Granger Westberg. It goes through the different stages of grief . I found it to be very helpful. Believe me there is NO right way or wrong way to grieve. It's been almost 5 months for me and every night I lay in bed with 43 plus years of memories that dance around in my head.
    My pillow case usually ends up with a few wet spots before the night is over
    I really wish there was something I could say or even hear myself to take away the pain. This site is and has been a big help also.
    Lostman
     
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  10. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    I play Garth Brooks song "the Dance" all the time....favourite line in it is: I could have missed the pain but I would have had to miss the dance" I am so grateful that Mike and I danced for 30 years!!
     
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  11. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

     
  12. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    HteaGreat song, great analogy. It could an anthem for all of us. I love Garth . So talented. I’m grieving for you, and with you.
    God Bless You and your loved ones.

    Bill
     
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  13. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    I
     
  14. Lostman

    Lostman Member

    Ainie,
    I played the Dance song coming back from an appointment and yes it sure hits home. We played Allen Jackson's Sissy's Song at my wife's memorial service.
    We have a very talented neighbor who put together a video from pictures and asked me to supply music Sissy's Song was one of many. I really don't know if there a right song or wrong song but I'm sure if it comes from the heart it doesn't matter. It's been almost 5 months now my wife of 43 yrs has been gone. I smell old clothes hoping to still catch a whiff of her perfume. Her closet is still the same as well as the top of her dresser I don't know if or when I will be ready to let go. So yes if there is song or music that hits home play it.
    Take care
    Lostman
     
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  15. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    There are so many songs that come to mind that could apply in all of our situations. Janet and I loved all different genres of music, from jazz to country, to classical. Donny Hathaway’s “A Song For You “was playing when Janet passed, so it will always be special to me. Music is so powerful, and can move you in any direction you want to go. Right now I prefer melancholy.
    You are all in my prayers.

    Bill
     
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  16. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    For me it's, "Your my best friend," by Queen. Always how I felt about him. I heard it the other day, been weepy since.

    Peace to everyone.
     
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  17. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Yes, I heard Queens “You’re my best friend” the other day. Was so powerful and emotional. Heard it out of no where. Ron and I listened to Queen all the time while dating in the 70’s. A favorite artist of his and became mine too. I find his favorite artists and songs pop up out of no where, they make me cry every time.
    Music is powerful!
     
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  18. Michael beck

    Michael beck Well-Known Member

     
  19. Michael beck

    Michael beck Well-Known Member

    Guilt is a cruel beast for sure ..
    After a month and a half in the hospital I had to go back to work druving a truck because we was going broke
    I was on the way back to Louisville from atlanta when the hospital called and saud my wife windy had passed and I was going to be going up when i got home ..
    I beat myaelf daily now thinking of her being all alone at the time of her passing.. I should have been there I should have never went to work..
    So yes the grief is truly overwhelming..
    May you find peace
     
  20. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Michael, so sorry. She knew you loved her and you were doing what you needed to do for both of you. Hindsight is 20/20 as we all know and we can "should of" ourselves till our last day. I have mine also, I lost my phone and was at the Apple store getting it replaced, was there till closing. I called saying I was on my way, he said it's late go home, see you tomorrow, so I did. I did see him the next day, the following one he passed. If either of us could predict the future I would have made it back to spend every available moment. I know this isn't the same as your experience, however it shows that we just don't know the future, we just don't.

    You were working for both of your futures, that is love and she was aware of that.