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Guilt and what ifs

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by LDBug, Oct 9, 2021.

  1. LDBug

    LDBug New Member

    I lost my husband a couple of weeks ago following a cardiac arrest at home. He was only 38 and we have two young sons. In the day it happened he complained of some chest tightness and was tired but he often suffered from anxiety and we were sleep deprived. I was also still angry with him for something he had said the night before and had a stomach bug so was really struggling. Now when I look back there we’re signs I should have stopped and payed more attention to and I feel like this has all happened because I failed him. My sons will be left without their wonderful daddy because I was too short sighted to consider that it could have been something serious. Instead I nagged him to help me with the boys. Just feel like a dreadful person. I found him in room opposite me having a cardiac arrest and also wonder if I had found him sooner whether the outcome would be different. He died with complications from the cardiac arrest as had lacked oxygen to the brain. Can’t cope with this guilt and can’t even start to process having lost him.
  2. Roxi

    Roxi Member

    LDBug i'm so sorry for your loss...you are so young, you don't deserve to be here !
    For a long time i felt guilty, i wasn't able to save him...i was hungry with him the night he died ! I felt i was so a bad person...it was my fault that i lost my soulmate, my love...my everything!
    But the bitter truth is that we are only human persons, we are not superheroes...we couldn't know what was about to happen!
    It's not your fault, it's life...so try not to take this burden too!
    Raw pain is enough...and you have to be strong for your kids!
    They deserve to feel safe with their mother....i know it's very hard, it's the hardest thing in the world... but you can find hope in them, you can find a reason to live in your little children..
    Hang in there! A huge hug
    LDBug likes this.
  3. LDBug

    LDBug New Member

    Thank you Roxi. I am trying to but is very hard. The guilt is immense when I think about the boys loosing their amazing daddy. We had an up and down relationship and I struggled at times. I know I couldn’t have predicted this happening at his age but just can’t shake feeing like if I had been in a better place that day I would have pushed him to do something about how he was feeling and the outcome could have been different. I know at this stage it can’t be changed but can’t stop punishing myself.
  4. Roxi

    Roxi Member

    I understand... We all trying to find someone to blame and it we don't find any we blame ourselves ...but we can't control life! We are really powerless...so LDbug the path of guilt is very difficult, full of broken glass and hard pain...and in the end useless! I think is better for you not to waste your energy on this path or at least not so much...but i understand ! I was on this path for too long hoping i can change the reality...i wish we could change what it was, take this terrible pain out of our hearts...!
    Hope you have the support of your family and friends, be kind to yourself...a huge hug to you and your lovely children
    LDBug likes this.
  5. Movingforwardforyou

    Movingforwardforyou New Member

    LDBug, I’m new to this community also, and recently lost my husband in a terrible car accident that happened immediately after a fight we had gotten into. Therapy has helped a lot, but I still have a lot of days where I blame myself. What if I had said this instead? Or what if I had done that? But the truth is, we give ourselves way too much power. We’re really just along for the ride we call life. I know it’s way easier said than done to think that way, because as I type this I still can’t let myself off the hook. But what helps me is something my therapist told me. If the outcome had been different and your husband would have been fine, would you feel guilty for how you were that day? Give yourself grace. Again, I know, easier said than done! But I promise, it does get easier ❤️​
  6. MoonHeart

    MoonHeart New Member

    LDBug, I am also new on here. I lost my oldest son on the 6th as he coded after having bypass surgery. His younger brother is so angry because he'd begged him to take better care of himself.. He went in to the hospital thinking he was going to lose another toe to diabetes. Guilt is normal I feel in a lot of deaths. Whether it's only, I wished I'd called him more, made more of their favorite foods, or told them I love you one more time, etc, we have those thoughts and feelings. I was looking at txts where I'd begged him several months ago to get into a good cardiologist, I even researched and sent him a few names. He never went. Am I at fault for not staying on him about seeing one, would it have made a difference, no. The open heart surgeon told me his veins were basically useless, they had to stop the surgery as they had nothing to work with, how he'd lived as long as he did was a miracle in itself. Guilt. Why am I alive and my oldest son is gone? I have had 4 major cancers and a heart attack and stint surgery. I have heart and kidney failure, and have lost so many loved ones, now my oldest son.
    Nothing could have been done Hun. When we are called home we will make the journey..until then love and cherish every moment you have with your children. They need you now more than ever. You will get up each day, you'll have good and bad days for awhile, then the steps want seem so heavy one day. Do special things with your children to keep his memory alive. You all need time to heal. My sincerest condolences on the loss of your husband and your children's father. Big Hugs to all of you, . those can help so much.
    LDBug likes this.