Grieving the sudden death of my ex-husband

My ex and I had been apart for almost 13 years, and although our marriage was unhappy and ended with some ugliness we were able to reach a truce and become decent friends again, which meant the world to me. We never developed a close friendship but we considered each other family, and when I went through some difficult times in later years my ex was almost always willing to provide emotional or financial support. I grew to care deeply about him as someone I'd always be connected with and was truly happy when he found a relationship with a woman who ended up being his partner for about 6 years until he died. I was heartbroken for her as well as my son and stepdaughter (my ex's daughter from his first marriage), but I was also surprised by the depth of grief I felt personally over his passing. It's been about 2 months now and I'm just starting to feel like life is sort of normal again, but I also cry my eyes out and find it hard to accept that he's truly gone.

 

The second hardest thing I had to do was tell my kids that their dad was gone. Our divorce was ugly. His oldest surviving son (from his first marriage) passed away, and brought all of us back together for the memorial. After that, we were able to begin to rebuild the friendship. I lived with him as his wife longer than any other person had in his life (including his parents). I was heart broken and still (nearly 3 years later) find myself reaching to pick up the phone to ask him a car question.
13 months after he died, my first husband died after kidney failure left him essentially brain dead. It's been a rough couple of years! My heart is still broken over the lives that could have been but weren't. Tears happen, and so does anger. I'm finally beyond the bargaining and the overall shock. I feel like an idiot and get angry when I forget that either of them are gone. I was so disappointed that my first husband couldn't see the Endgame movie. Marvel was a huge thing in his world. It's always going to be painful, but it's no longer horrible.