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Discussion in 'Loss of a Parent' started by riverinohio, Dec 16, 2020.

  1. riverinohio

    riverinohio Well-Known Member

    It's been two years since my dad died and I am finding the grief to be very painful. I just thought that the feelings would get a little better but it has not. Can I get feedback on this from others and what your feelings have been because I am really struggling. I still cry just looking at his picture. They say after a year its considered complicated grief but we all grieve differently. Please share your thoughts.
     
    emr233 likes this.
  2. sierra.s

    sierra.s New Member

    Hi, I am a new member and joined tonight as I am reflecting on my mom's life on Christmas Eve. I lost her 10 years ago and am just now joining support groups. I feel the same way you do sometimes where pictures and talking about her still makes me emotional. I am in my early 20s and lost my mom when I was just a teen, so I feel like I am much more mature and am processing her death so much more now. This is really hard, but it is nice to be part of this site where we can connect with others going through similar experiences. You are not alone, and you should never feel guilty or bad about how you feel, no matter how much time has passed since your dad died.
     
    emr233 likes this.
  3. riverinohio

    riverinohio Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much for your kind words. I was very close to my dad and was his caregiver for years so the loss has been extremely painful. I lost my purpose in life too when he passed. Being a caregiver is just an enormous weight and it takes its toll in many ways. I am so so sorry you lost your mom at such a young age. Life isn't fair that is for sure. My sister just passed three months ago too so it has been rough. Thank you again for your kindness. Holidays make you realize what is missing in your life and what you are longing for. Hang in there.
     
    emr233 likes this.
  4. @APPY

    @APPY Well-Known Member

    Hello riverinohio, 2 yrs , too short a time to get used to the absence of someone who meant so much to u . I lost my dad 7 months bck i still cry looking at his pictrs... do not go into theories ... u see we all are diffrnt individuals wht seems easy to u might b the most diffclt task fr me and vice versa so allow urself time.... allow urself to cry allow urself to get used to with the pain. We will eventually overcome.
    Love Appy.
     
  5. riverinohio

    riverinohio Well-Known Member

     
  6. riverinohio

    riverinohio Well-Known Member

    Thank you for being so nice. When I mentioned complicated grief I had a doctor that wanted to give me meds after six months. Just take a pill and the pain will go away which is not true. Life is difficult for sure. I lost my sister this year too and I am currently caregiving for my mom and so to say I emotional is putting it mildly. I am sorry for your loss as well. I wish you all the best. Thank you again for reaching out.
     
    @APPY likes this.
  7. aprilelyse

    aprilelyse Member

    Hi, I really relate to what you said. I lost my father 20 years ago and I never got over it. I have often wondered the same thing - what is the right amount of time to grieve the loss of someone? Is there something wrong with me because I still can't talk about him? I realize now that I spent so many years ignoring my grief and repressing my feeling on the subject that I don't think I ever truly experienced it in order to process it in a healthy way. That's what I am trying to do now. Thanks for sharing.
     
  8. riverinohio

    riverinohio Well-Known Member

    I am wondering what is healthy. In the very beginning I tried to find a grief counselor but most resources only offer group therapy which is not my thing. I remember my primary care wanted to put me on meds after 6 months of grieving which is ridiculous. You have to feel the pain and not push it down. I know my dad wouldn't want me to be so upset but I just can't control how I feel. We went through a lot together and I wish somehow I could feel better but I still don't. I miss him terribly. He was in my corner and he was my biggest cheerleader. My mom lost her parents at a very young age and she is now in her late 80s and talks about how she misses her parents. I guess this will be a lifelong journey. We will carry these losses with us forever. It's how we deal with it that matters. Thank you for responding.
     
  9. aprilelyse

    aprilelyse Member

    I agree- It's how we deal with it that matters. It is never going to be 100% "OK" but I think being honest about how painful it is helps us get to a place where our grief can be more manageable. I'm not sure; I am just hoping.
     
  10. riverinohio

    riverinohio Well-Known Member

    I could get real deep here and I am going to say that I think in our society we are supposed to push down our feelings. If you feel sad some in the medical community see it as depression and want to put a label on it or even try to treat it. It to me is having a ripple effect and a lot of things are seen as anxiety. Believe it or not it is ok to be sad about loss or tragedy. It's ok to have feelings. I just think there is a worry that if we somehow express how we feel that it is somehow wrong or taboo. We have to just grin and bear it. Look at the standard three day bereavement leave we have in the US. Just get over it and move on. I am learning all the time about myself during this process and how I cope with adversity. It does help to express it through this forum because I have found in my personal life that I don't have anyone to talk to about it and so many are uncomfortable with the conversation about loss and death.
     
  11. OSL

    OSL Member

    River, I can't agree more. I lost my mother last month so I can't say what its going to be like for me in a year, 5, 10 or even tomorrow. In Canada we have 4 day bereavement. My fiancee is over this and the rest of the world has carried on. I've been off for a month now. I just can't do it. The way society makes things..."just get over it already"....is bull****. On that note, thank you for sharing your story with me. I am so sorry for your loss and how you feel right now. I can't promise it's going to be ok but, I will listen. Your feelings are valid. They are worth being vocalized and having an ear to listen.Our worlds have been destroyed and it sucks when no one else recognizes that.
     
  12. riverinohio

    riverinohio Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your response. I am so sorry for your loss too. Your loss is so new. The first month I was on autopilot. After that the loss really sunk in. I had a routine of seeing my dad everyday and so the usual was no more and that was hard to accept. It still is. Grief compounds other feelings too in your life. For me when things are wrong it is magnified because of grief, if that makes sense. I lost my sister last fall on my birthday so it has been rough. I am sorry your significant other isn't more supportive. This is the time that you need the support more than ever. I too will listen because I know the feeling of despair and loneliness. I found this site several months after my father died and it helped me to help others. There are so many stories to share and so many memories to cherish. Just know you are not alone and what has helped me is knowing that my dad would want me to carry on and make him proud. It has been so incredibly tough though.
     
  13. veggie

    veggie New Member

    I share in your grief and sorrow. I wish we didn't have to lose our loved ones. And as much as you try to prepare for it, when it actually happens it's a pain like no other and so life changing. I just lost my mom and dad within 6 months of each other and my sister just before that, so I have been in a state of grieving for quite some time. The hits just kept coming. I honestly don't remember what it feels like to feel "happy" or "normal". I have been in some sort of twilight zone/nightmare. My family was my world and to lose them all so close to each other is just more than I can bear. I have kept myself super busy in order to not have to think too much about the loss, and am just struggling to acknowledge and deal with this grief and sadness all while trying to pick up the pieces and try to handle all of my daily responsibilities at work and outside of work. It's exhausting mentally, emotionally and physically and I honestly don't know how much I have left in me to keep this up. I miss them terribly and the pain is so much to bear. And like many of you I see that life is going on for others and you don't want to keep burdening everyone by sharing your thoughts and feelings and looking for support, and even though I am surrounded by many loved ones and great people still, I feel so alone and in my own world. But having this site where we can talk, express and discuss is such a good outlet, because I truly feel talking about it helps lighten the load, even just a little bit. We all understand each other here, we all share in each other's grief and it does bring some comfort knowing my feelings are valid and that others go through and experience similar thoughts and feelings. I wish there was some magical way to make things better for all of us, or to bring our loved ones back to us, but all I can say is we owe it to our loved ones to try and find some happiness somehow, because they truly would not want us to suffer like this. And just remember, it is OK to feel however you do, if we didn't love them so much, this pain wouldn't exist. It's just a testament to how much they meant to us.
     
  14. riverinohio

    riverinohio Well-Known Member

    Thank you for responding. It's funny but when I read your post I thought it was me who wrote it. When you wrote "the hits just kept coming" is a term that I use quite often but some people don't get it. I completely agree that I don't know how it feels to be "normal" or "happy" either. I went through so much taking care of my dad for years and now I am dealing with the fallout. I have experienced some health issues over it. All I can say to you is to try to push forward as best as you can because the stress of loss alone can kill you literally. I really enjoyed your post. Thank you again and just hang in there. Feel the pain when it hits but also don't dwell in it because that will only hurt more. I wish you all the best and I am so sorry for your losses.