I was surfing the net looking for insight on avoiding grief when I come across the website grief in common and a post on avoiding grief. I am smart enough to know avoiding my grief is unhealthy yet here I am doing exactly that. When I am alone it just hurts so bad to think about him, see pictures of him and watch videos of him. Yet strangely enough I can talk about him with others and not lose it at all, in fact I find it comforting. There is something to this but I just can’t figure it out yet. Just writing this has brought up images of him when he was so sick and of his last days. My heart instantly begins racing, I can hear my pulse pounding inside my head, I feel slightly nauseous and want to crawl out of my skin. Then my super power kicks in and saves me and those images disappear and become a foggy vision like distant memory. This is avoiding at it finest. Good God, I should teach a class on avoidance except I don’t even know how I do it - it just magically happens. I want to face this, I really do but I don’t know how to do it. My mind won’t let me... it literally won’t let me. I honestly thought I would nail this grief thing brilliantly. I thought I was doing so well because I wasn’t crying constantly and could get up and function everyday. At some point will this avoiding just stop? Do I just force myself to sit in it and feel it?
First let me say I am so sorry for your loss! Everyone grieves in their own way, I lost my husband 11/17/18 and I’m not in a great place still. I did cry often and I couldn’t function everyday. Some days I’d sit at the kitchen table for hours. That still happens but not every day. Ron had a massive heart attack, never was sick, this came out of no where. Seemingly healthy to gone in 2 hours. I remember saying to my sister I keep thinking of Ron in so much pain, then I picture him after I was told he passed. I said I have to picture those things to make it real. Pictures are so hard to look at and then they make me love him even more. Why don’t you come home. Facing it is so hard, no one wants to believe their spouse is gone. I was in shock for a long time. And I needed to have those pictures in my head to help me come to terms with it. There is no way to prepare for such a loss. No way to figure it out. But everyone on this site and everyone who has experienced a significant loss knows what this feels like and understands what we’re all going through. When people in our day to day life just can’t understand.
Mjns, I am very sorry for the loss of your loved one. I know that grief is an awful thing to face in life. Love is such a strong feeling, where we share our heart and soul with another, and then we lose that special person, it is as though our world stops. We are then left searching for a way to go forward in life. Our emotions are all over the place. We feel hurt, we want to scream at the top of our voices, and ask why. As we each start that journey with grief, we search for answers. We ask others for guidance, but the sad truth is those feelings are real, as are those tears, they are ours and we might wish we could stop them. I have struggled with my own loss of my wife going on 5 years now. I have talked myself out till I am blue. I have tried to overcome this feeling I can’t let go of no matter what I do. But as the days, weeks, months and years pass I am realizing I am ok with this grief. I have come to understand that my hurt is for the one who meant so much to me, just like yours Mjns. It is us remembering, and never forgetting. This grief will be with each of us for the rest of our lives, so it would be best if we learn to cope with it. Think back to when we were all young. We might be faced with an experience that is painful to think about so we try to push it away in our memory and do the best we can to avoid facing it. I am not saying we can beat all those bad times we face, what I am saying is we grow as a person and learn to deal with difficult times in our lives. Just being able to think about grief, no matter the type, is of course very tough to do, but it does help us to face future fears. Grief is in that regard a very potent thing to acknowledge. Just being able to meet your hurt and accept you need help is a step in the right direction. Even though we can’t make tomorrow what we wish it could be, we each can step forward into our own future knowing we are trying to face our fears and help us heal. Mjns, I hope your days become easier and easier to face. Take care of yourself and God Bless. david
I just lost my wife on 1/28/20 and I do not know what to do myself, I am constantly crying, I do not know what to do. I have three daughters and I need to be in control so I can take care of them, but who takes care of me? what do i do now?
Luisao66, I am so very sorry for the loss of your spouse. This is one of those times in your life that will be the most intimidating and hard to endure, and eventually overcome. Losing the person who was your significant other is hard to bear. Having three daughters will also be a tremendous burden. However, you, and your daughters have each other now. I imagine all four of you are at a loss on how to go forward. Just never be afraid to share all those pictures you have with your children and videos, and talk about all the fond memories you all shared together. Be gentle, and take your time with your children as they will be forever mindful for what happens forward. Least of all, though you may have doubts about how to handle your new life, with no spouse, trust in yourself. Ask any family for help if you can, or even close friends. Don't stop talking about your loss, it don't matter where, just that you do. Whatever you do, please don't give up and give in to despair. Reach out to others on this forum, share some thoughts, some memories, and just unload when you feel down. Like you, when my wife died, my two sons were at my side as we watched her slowly move beyond life. We were in her hospice room when a nurse came in with a candle and piece of paper. She began to read a prayer that told of how my wife, Nadine was ready to die. As she read that prayer there were about 12 people in the room, some staff, some friends, some family, our doctor and there were still others near our open door in the hallway. As she held the candle firm she read the prayer, by the end we were all crying. We didn't care if our face was wet with tears, and then the nurse walked the candle to the window beside my wife's bed and put it gently down and lit it. I think what still shakes me to this day, is how, as a person is slowly passing, their breaths come what seem like minutes apart. You think what was the last moment is not, as the nurse tells us she is preparing her body to pass. Your heart is in your throat, there are no more words, only quiet in the room as we now know and hate that the end is near. When my wife took her last breath I was standing beside her with her sister Linda, her niece Lisa and my two sons were behind me. I cried out her name, Linda grabbed me and hugged me and that moment will never ever leave my memory. The doctor pronounced her, and then turned to me and hugged me and said how sorry he was. All those present did the same, and what is unreal is how others in the hospice house seemed to sense the passing of another. The walk out of the hospice house that night was surreal. My steps were slow and my feet felt very heavy. The walk down the hallways was as if there was no more sound. I only knew this would be my final walk out the hospice. As we drove back to the hotel not a word was said. We made it to our room, gave each other a final hug and kiss for the night and went into our own rooms, no words were spoken. In the days and weeks that followed we had to find a new more permanent place to live. So that was it in a nutshell. Luisao66, please take care of yourself and never lose your trust in yourself. Take time slowly and let your healing begin. david I hope this song will bring you some comfort:
I am not sure at what stage of grief you are in but grief especially in the beginning is so devastating. When I went through that stage of initial shock I too avoided dealing with my grief. But looking back the grief at that time was too all consuming to take it all in at once. I knew in my heart he was gone but my mind was not ready to deal with it yet. To protect yourself I would push it away. With time I began to handle a little more each day. My husband died of cancer and the recent memories of his pain were also unbearable. I told my mother this and she said "But our memories are all we have left". So I try to concentrate on the happy memories. Sometime I know I will come to terms with even the difficult memories because I don't want to forget even a moment spent with him. Each one of our journeys are different and I think we each deal differently with our grief. Sometimes a little avoidance is healthy and essential to our path. The grief books say set aside a specified amount of time to grieve. So I grieve when it hits me and then I make myself wipe my tears and get up and do something mundane. Water my plants, wash dishes, anything to change my focus till the next wave of grief hits me.
When does this ever end? I am so sad, my husbands “cured cancer” came back Dec. 16th, and he died on his birthday, 3 months later. We were so busy fighting the cancer, we didn’t face he was dying, so all those things we should have said, were unsaid, and now, can’t be said. The next day, they shut the state down for COVID. I still haven’t buried him, had a memorial. It was months before I could see my family, and I miss, more than anything, the kindness and comfort of a hug. The first 6 months I avoided everything, like PTSD, any thought or picture would be a trigger to the horror of fighting against the cancer, insurance companies, oncologist would didn’t care. I am just now at month 7 able to let the feelings come. I only stop crying because my head physically starts to hurt. The isolation is horrible, life goes on for everyone else, and I am stuck, in this pit of life without the one person who knew me, kept me safe. I honestly feel like I am just bidding my time, but for what, I don’t know. I have wasted 7 months of my life, nothing to show for it, except the puddle of tears I manage to become. I feel such guilt for not doing things, but i have no desire for anything. It scares me. I wouldn’t do self harm, but really, what is my purpose now? Wife? Nope, Mother? Nope, kids are grown and adulting it. Professional? Nope, COVID shut that down. Gods plan? Nope, I’m still too angry to listen. I am amazed at the quantity of tears that simply roll down my cheeks. If anyone has read this far into my pity party, thank you, I needed to get this out, and I have no one to listen. A widow befriended me, and ended up relapsing into clinical depression because my grief triggered all her memories. So now, I don’t even want to talk with others.
SecondStarOnTheRight I am so sorry for your loss. My husband also relapsed from cancer many times. Your situation is even worse with the COVID and having to delay the services. My family lives far away from me too and I know how difficult it is to go through this alone without hugs and support. The only anger I have experienced through this is to his doctor who did not have the decency to even come and see my husband or offer me advice during his last 5 weeks that we spent in the hospital before he died. I complained to the hospital administrator and then the doctor left me a message on my phone. I never called him back. It was too late. His sister and I also had to experience a very difficult passing where he struggled terribly. I was very upset about this because we were assured by the doctor on call, hospice and the nurse who navigated us to hospice that he would be made comfortable and we would not have to watch him suffer. It was also difficult to bear the memories of his decline. I felt a lot of guilt as a caregiver. It is an exhausting 24 a day job. There were many times he could not even press the call button, so I would get up and get the nurse. I asked him to press the button one night because he was coherent and I was trying to rest. That night he went to sleep and they could not wake him up again before he died. I so regret not getting up that night. I try to remember that he knew I loved him and push away any regrets or what ifs. I try to remember the angels who did care and offer help along the way. I am also at a point now where I wonder what next, how do I go forward, how does life become meaningful again. I hope this grief site helps you to know you are not alone. I will pray for you for I so understand your loss.
I am so sorry for your loss, I feel your pain in your writing. I know it’s overwhelming and covid certainly isn’t helping matters. We do need our families and friends and a hug. This is torture to go through alone. My loss is almost 2 years ago, and as I was mourning my husband and starting to try and do things covid hit. And I went backwards pretty fast. My husband passed suddenly from a massive heart attack, taken from our wonderful life together in 2 hours. We were together 24/7, ran a business together that I had to close. I was in shock and life changed in that instant. I’ve been down that path of, what’s my purpose, why am I here, what do I do now. And I’ll admit sometimes I feel like I’m just existing. I told my son, I have no purpose, and he said, Mom, we need you, we need you here and around us. Meaning him and my daughter. Then I started doing things to honor my husband, made a memorial garden to honor him. And remembered our conversations about if one passes the other needs to enjoy life, to keep going. So that became my purpose every singe day. Make Ron proud that I’m his wife, honor and love him. I don’t know that I enjoy life but I’m working on that too. You shouldn’t feel you wasted 7 months of your life. You’re in pain, pain that you've never felt before and could never imagine how awful this feels. Your goin through the hardest time in your life. Be good to yourself, let yourself cry, scream, whatever. Talking about your loss and about your husband is needed, so use whatever means possible to reach out to family and friends. This site is good for that too, everyone here know and understands the pain you have, no judging just comforting words. Get fresh air, it helps more then you realize. My son made me promise I’d go out and fresh air every day. I did my best to keep that promise, even if I just went in my back yard. Your husband is with you, you can’t touch or feel or hug him but he’s a part of who you are, you helped each other grow into the people you became. Just like Ron is a part of me. Memories were hard for me too, took a very long time before the wonderful memories could make smile, now I can have memories and usually smile. Songs are hard too, movies, watching tv. My tv stays off all day, if Ron can’t watch I have guilt watching. Just how I feel so I keep it off. Don’t be hard on yourself, give yourself time and don’t push yourself too hard. There will be better days ahead. Keep working towards them. Sending you hugs! ❤️
