grandparents died exactly 1 month apart

I know this is different. I know this group is for closer losses than grandparents. I should preface this by saying they helped raise me when I had an absent father and had a much bigger impact on my life than I even realized until they were gone.

My grandmother died May 27th, my grandfather June 27th. In the six or so months before her death, my grandmother's health deteriorated rapidly, with back to back shoulder replacements worsening it. My grandfather, a veteran and a drinker who'd lost most of his immediate family post covid, knew it was coming and many of my family think he was trying to die first. We enabled his alcoholism because there was nothing else to do. My mother and step father took care of them until they were gone.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here. Every time I try to bring up the loss, I'm reminded that they're in a better place. They're home. They're with family and friends and god. Remember the good times, remember you'll always have them. They're in your heart.

Every time I hear those words or any variation of it, I feel defeated. I feel unheard. No, it is not okay. Every good memory comes with a wave of loss I can't even comprehend before it's time to do the next thing. To move on. How the fuck do I move on? How do I just pretend everything is fine? Yeah yeah, we don't, we live with it, it never leaves us. Why is everyone pretending that having a brain eating parasite is okay? Sometimes I try to speak to my mother about my pain but every time, I remember that those were HER parents. Her mother, her father. And how can I compare my pain to that? How can I feel so burdened by my grief when she's the one handling it all?

Like I said I really don't know where I was going with this. I'm at work, in the bathroom, wiping away these godforsaken tears writing a message to strangers. God.

 

I am sorry for your losses. We cannot measure grief by what relation the person was to us or who should feel the most grief or who should be feeling the most grief. You have lost 2 people who were very precious to you. It is evident by the amount of pain and confusion you are experiencing that these 2 people meant so much to you. That is why you feel so burdened by this loss. You should feel this much grief because you loved them so much and it is a great loss in your life. Everything is not okay. Everything has changed and the bottom has dropped out for you. We understand here because we have also experieced very devastating losses.
You don't need to feel guilty about sharing your pain with your mother. If she is willing to allow this, in some way it may be a comfort to her to know you also loved them as much as she did. Take this opportunity to allow this to form a stronger bond between you and your mother.
Allow me to quote something you said: "Like I said I really don't know where I was going with this. I'm at work, in the bathroom, wiping away these godforsaken tears writing a message to strangers. God."
You may have ended your post with the only word that can help you: God. He loved your grandparents even more than you did. He loves your mother. And He loves you and wants to help you. Turn to Jesus and ask Him to help you carry this heavy load of grief. He does not intend for you to have to carry it all by yourself. It is too much to bear and He wants to help.
He was the only one who could help me. I kept waiting for Him to help and He did. He helped me go on when I only wanted to end my life. He protected me, comforted me, and gave me answers I needed to my question. If you will read the book of John or any of the other scriptures you can find some comfort. They can help you realize you are not alone.
We care about you.
Please stay connected here.
Chris