Getting through the days

Hi my name is Paula and I suddenly lost my husband after 36 years of marriage. It is 5 months into the loss and
I am having a difficult time obsessing about the uncertainty of the future and being alone. I frantically try to make plans to not sit alone on weekends. It's just too uncomfortable to be alone for hours in my house with silence. My husband was a larger than life person and he was my anchor we had a comfortable relationship and a deep companionship . I know the winter is coming and I'm already feeling the dread. Everyone tells me one day at a time I try to meditate on that but the fear is paralyzing.

 

I have the opposite problem: trying to integrate the loss into my life so I can move into my new life. The problem is I don' t want to move into a new life because I am still deep in mourning for him. It has been 9 weeks. I want to be alone because being around people is too much when I am mourning.

I wish I could get to your stage. If you do not want to be alone, there are so many ways to meet people. In my city near Tulsa, there are meet ups for all kinds of interests.

There are also widow/widowers clubs, volunteering, taking classes

 

Yes

 

I am so sorry for your loss Michele , at 9 weeks I couldn’t even breathe! I was a total mess. I pushed myself to get out because I overthink and my mind spirals into panic and anxiety. It wasn’t easy going out, I felt like I was in a parallel universe. I have a deep ache in my heart but little by little I am telling myself this sucks but keep putting one foot in front of the other. I’m not at the point where I don’t think of my husband 24 /7 I dream about him constantly. I’m holding on to hope that this awful feeling will ease as time goes on. They say we will heal naturally because raw grief will be incompatible with life at some point and could not withstand. I wish you the best

 

Unfortunately I am kind of an expert at this because this is my second partner to die. However the circumstances are completely different. This loss is much worse.

I go out because I have to in order to supp o rt myself. When I have free time, I either shop at thrift stores- a favorite for Robert and me - or I sit at home and do my grief work. For me, grief work is responding to posts on this site, writing letters to Robert, listening to Native American music (he was Delaware/Osage) or writing to his ex wife. She and I have become friends and share memories.

I also read books. My current one is by Megan Devine (It's ok if you are not ok). She is the one who states about integration of the loss into your life and that you will never completely get over it but that will become part of your new life. She also says grief is the wildest part of love and feeling grief is an exrension of your love for your husband or partner.

I too think of Robert. I have created an area of the living room for his Native Amerucan art and his ashes are among this. His pictures are everywhere. I carry him with his medic alert necklace, tribal id cards, LifeShare Oklahoma plaque (I donated his organs) and I am going to get a Delaware tribe pendant to put in the necklace. I will probably never remove the wedding rings or it is going to be a long, long time.

 

Sorry to hear about your husband. Hopefully, you can find some ways to occupy your time and not feel so alone.

 

I don't mind being alone. Being around people right now is too much

 

Thank you for your kind words Sometimes you just have to go with the flow and things work themselves out. I have a lot of faith!

 

Coming upon the 6 month mark just feeling overwhelming sadness and uncertainty about the future. I know
it's early but getting through the day is becoming more difficult

 

I am of the mind that if it is getting more difficult, it means it is time to do more grief work - more crying, more journaling, more rituals, much more talking, more reflection.

But then it could just be grief deciding it is taking its own route. A book I read that really helped me understand what we are facing is It's ok that you are not ok by Megan Devine. She is a professional therapist and she lost her partner in a drowning accident in 2009. She knows it from both angles.

 

I don’t know Michele if it’s the 6 month mark of finality settling in. It’s Sunday I’m with people just feel so alone. Weekends are horrendous! I will order the book , Thanks for your help !!!

 

Hi Paula its been 8mons for me and its gotten harder this past 3weeks now. I understand how you feel. I could be in a large group of people & still feel alone . a missing link . holidays are rounding the corner & not sure how that will go .. Hope your is better tomorrow

 

I think the grief (your love) finds different ways to express itself and is on its own timetable. Rather than fight it, go with it. Let it take you where it feels right even if that right is bawling your eyes out. Your body knows how to heal itself. Listen to it. If the last three weeks have gotten emotional, that is because you need to express those emotions.

As for crowds, I avoid them if possible. They don't know how you're feeling and are oblivious to your grief. I have one friend who truly understands. She lost her husband 19 years ago from brain cancer. From diagnosis to death was 6 mos. She still gets emotional. I listen as she talks about Frank and she listens as I talk about Robert. We know what the other needs b/c we've been thru it. Maybe join a grief support group for spouses and see if you can connect with anyone there? They will be in the same boat and won't roll eyes when you tell the same story or try to talk you out of your grief. Grief (love) must be expressed.

As for the holidays, my therapist suggested making new traditions. Trying to do the same thing w/o him will just be too hard.

Hope what I said helps

 

I wish I could dream about my husband. He passed away August 7, 2018 suddenly from an automobile accident. Like you, I can't stand to be home alone. I went back to work immediately because I kept telling myself it would be easier in the long run to go back during teacher workdays than after students started back. Most of the days I spent in a daze or in a co-workers embrace crying my eyes out. Whenever I tried to stay home alone, I endws up having anxiety attacks and would end up back at work so I could be around people that love me. I'm learning to be home alone for a few hours now and if I call or text someone I can usually make it most of the day. Fortunately my adult son, daughter and two young granddaughters live with me so I just have to make it through the day and my house with get loud again in the evening.

 

I'm so sorry for your loss Carol. The trauma of a sudden loss is horrendous for any human being to endure and nothing in this world can prepare us. I am trying to ease into being alone more as time goes on. My Son and his family stayed awhile now their back home as I do understand they have their own lives to live. I find nighttime a solace I watch Netflix and light candles. I try to read self help books as much as I can. I know this is going to be a very long process and I've heard over and over to be patient with yourself healing does happen. The heartache is just overwhelming .

 

I know exactly how you feel. I lost my husband of 41 years suddenly from a heart attack. At times I don’t know what to do how to go on. I feel I’m so young at 61 to not keep on going. I could have many years of a life yet.

 

Michele, I understand exactly what you are going through. Since my husband died, the house is so lonely and the silence is haunting. I miss so many things about him. But by far the worst part of grief is feeling so damn alone. I fear my family is tired of me saying I miss him. I can't even put into words how much I miss him. The days without him just seem so long, quiet, empty, and sad. It helps to talk about him, but I feel like I don't have anyone to listen.