Four months since my husband died

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Bevstuart, Sep 12, 2020.

  1. Bevstuart

    Bevstuart Member

    Hi, I am new here. It has been four months since I lost my husband and the grief never goes away. I was the one who was sick (presumed covid, though I tested negative) and he never got sick. We were sleeping in different rooms and after about four weeks we figured I was no longer contagious. But he stayed in the guest room one more night because his back was bothering him and the next morning I found he had passed away in the night, assumed it was a heart attack (he had an aortic aneurysm). I feel a certain amount of guilt because at one point I woke up in the middle of the night and I should have gone to check on him because of his back, but I was just out of it and went back to sleep. I miss him terribly. He took good care of me when i was sick and he was an awesome kitty dad. I am still in shock and I dream about him just about every night.
  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. I’m so sorry you were in different bedrooms, but you were doing the right thing. There was a chance you had covid , you were protecting him. We all tend to go down the path of guilt, the woulda, coulda shoulda. It’s just what we do, we miss them so much and blame ourselves. I lost my husband to a sudden massive heart attack, he was always healthy, this came out of no where. I also was in shock, nothing in my life is the same, we owned a business together, worked together every day, did everything together. I had to close our business and I’m now retired and alone. We planned to start our retirement on my birthday 8 days ago, and I turned the age he was when he passed. Because of those plans, it’s been extra hard lately.
    It sounds like your husband was a wonderful loving husband. I’m glad you dream of him every night. I’m sure it feels wonderful at the time, but possibly upsetting afterwards. I have dreams too and it puts us together, I love that. My husband took care of me too, I have RA and needed his help for so many things. Now it’s just me.
    Your loss is very resent, take care of you, he would want you to. It’s a long bumpy journey we’re on, take it day by day. I hope you have support in your life, and accept any help offered. And visit this site often and read others stories and share your own. It does help.
    Take care, Robin
  3. Bevstuart

    Bevstuart Member

    Hi Robin,
    Thank you for the kind words. It sounds like we had a similar situation. My husband was about a year away from retirement (he was 64, I am 55) and we had been talking about his plans for after he retired. My life is so different now, and it will take me a long time to get used to it. They say you should not make big decisions for at least a year but I am planning to sell our house and get an apartment, because it is too much for one person and there are too many memories. (If I had kids it would be different). I do have support but I am not always good at reaching out. I hope that you also have good support because it can't be easy living with RA. I am glad I found this site.
  4. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Bevstuart, so sorry for your loss as Robin said we blame ourselves this is a common thing. Whether the loss is quick as yours or as mine, my husband was ill and in/out of the hospital a few years. For me I think, I should have watched what he ate more, got him to exercise, etc. It's our way of trying to change the reality. Some things happen so fast that there's nothing you could have done. I'm at 10 months just the other day, it does get better, and shock is a good thing, it helps protect us at a tender time.

    My husband too, was just at retirement, he was packing up his shop and ended up going into the hospital once again, he battled back seemed much better two days before, we were discussing rehab. Two days later, gone. I didn't expect it. As sick as he was I just didn't because he was so strong and always came home.

    I wish you peace and strength. I don't know how, but we do get through a day at a time.
  5. Bevstuart

    Bevstuart Member

  6. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Yes very similar. My husband was 63 and I just turned 63. Feeling such guilt that he didn’t get to enjoy retirement. And he wanted to retire but I wasn’t ready. Our business was an auto upholstery business and I sewed for 5 or 6 hours a day. Good therapy for my hands. I had no option about closing our business, we downsized and we worked just the 2 of us, and I can’t do everything myself. But now I have regret I asked him to stay working. Guilt is such a difficult thing.
    I definitely understand the house feeling too big and overwhelming to maintain. It’s a lot to care for on my own. I have a daughter who lives close by and she helps me as much as she can, my son lives in Florida so he’s support from a distance but can’t help me with things around our home. Like you I’m not good at asking for help. I wait for people to ask, but that doesn’t usually happen. I’ve lost friends since Ron passed, and some family too, but I do have some support. A home full memories can make things more difficult. I understand how it’s affecting you. You need to do what feels right for you. The memories can get to me too but for the most part our home and memories feel like a warm hug. We each need to do what is right for us.
    I found this site 11 months after Ron passed, I was not doing well at all, but this site has helped me a lot. Just knowing how we’re feeling is normal, and talking and sharing what we’re each going through is so helpful.