*DAYTIME AND EVENING GENERAL GRIEF GROUPS AVAILABLE EVERY WEEK* CLICK HERE TO JOIN US!

First Great Loss

Discussion in 'Loss of a Parent' started by TabbathaRae88, Apr 5, 2020.

  1. TabbathaRae88

    TabbathaRae88 New Member

    I am 31 and I lost my mom just 27 days ago. It was very sudden and my brother and I did not get a definitive answer as to the cause. Just speculation given she had a multitude of medical conditions.

    She lived in Arizona, we live on the East Coast and just that alone meant that a lot of things weren't in our control. Or my control rather, since my brother wanted nothing to do with any of what entails following a death. So everything was left up to me to figure out, and quickly. Originally I had written the full story from the time I got the phone call to right now but of course it was too long so I had to start over. Leaving so much out makes it hard to put out there exactly why I am even here.

    I loved my mom very much, we did better being apart, there is no doubt about it, but we talked every day. I held onto issues from my childhood that kept her at arms length but I loved her and I was there for her, being the dutiful daughter, and a friend. Being that she had so much going on medically, I thought about her death these last few years, wondered how I would react and what I would do and I am surprised by my feelings. I knew I would cry, and I have, I knew it would be sad but I also knew what she was looking at as she got older, and the struggles that we would go through. That she could possibly end up bed ridden and confused, completely out of her mind with dementia or alzheimers, or worse. And she didn't die like that. It was sudden, it was quick, she wasn't alone, she wasn't in pain (at least not for a long time), you couldn't really ask for anything better and for that I am grateful, but I am so lost. And I feel like I shouldn't be. I am just plain lost. I feel like I practically saw my own future. She just turned 51 in January. Fifty-One! That is incredibly young and so I think, what is the point? Where is my mother? She had medical issues but she wasn't sick. I mean I guess she was right? She is dead. But she wasn't. And I am 31, I barely have my life together, let alone a savings of any kind and the expense of everything, we had to do bare minimum and it turned out awful and I just feel like I have failed her. She deserved better than that. And this pandemic made it so that practically no one was there for her. No gathering after services, no nothing. It just isn't right. It isn't fair to her.

    I feel so many different emotions and yet at the same time, I don't feel anything. That probably sounds stupid but it is true. I am hurting. And going straight from my home, to work, and back home day in and day out is not helping. I can't do anything, see anyone, visit family, visit my brother! I can't use my best self destructive tool and spend rent money on useless shopping sprees (yes I understand that is actually a good thing) but I just can't do anything but sit here and constantly think about my mom. I want to go to counseling but everything is shut down. So I am here, hoping that in some way maybe I can get some help.
     
    SavannahG likes this.
  2. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Tabbatha,

    Losing your mother is a loss that is hard to face. Not being able to be there is even harder to accept. I am sorry for your loss.

    Life sometimes has us all searching for answers. Our own answers to why we have had such a hard relationship is sometimes impossible to find. My own younger sister had a tough time with dad before he lost his life to lung cancer. As a child she was molested. She blamed dad for not protecting her in life, and even not believing her.

    So on the day of his funeral, she was there, hurt and broken inside that dad and her never found a way to accept each other. I did not find out till later in life what she went through. I also found that my older sister had the same thing happen to her, she and I were so close, and still are. We have shared our lives with each other, all the good all the bad.

    One day, the boy, now a man, asked me to come see him on his deathbed. I told his mother I was unable to, and would not go see him. I now look back and wish I had. As for my other sister, she has been married twice and divorced both times, but she has had 3 beautiful children.

    I have always looked out for her as time passed. But that hurt inside both of my sisters is still there. They both believe in God, and have faced their horror with a priest many times. I guess you could say my family is like so many others, flawed, but we do love one another.

    Losing your mom is extremely hard to face. Questioning or blaming yourself for anything is never the right thing to do. Facing her loss will be hard. Finding a way forward will not be easy. You just need to keep opening up, to your family, friends and us if possible. Talking about loss is never easy, but always a necessary part of healing yourself inside.

    Try to never blame yourself, life is hard enough. Yes, these times we all now face are such an unknown. It takes any control we wish to have away. We are given so little choices after a loved one dies. It is obvious you are feeling so broken inside for your mom no longer here, that is normal and of course sad.

    Feeling that pain and hopelessness for your loss is something we all face. Trying to find a way to cope with the loss is hard. I know when my dad found out he had lung cancer and passed two days later. I took care of mom after that till she needed to be hospitalized.

    For the longest time my feelings inside were hard to get beyond. But I was married and with the help of my wife, who in our marriage had to face the loss of two brothers, one sister, her parents and grandparents. We had each other to cry with.

    Tabbatha, loss is such a black hole. Grief takes us on a long journey, one we have to find a way to live with and get beyond. Because you are a shut in like we all are right now, you have to reach out, by phone, the internet and be frankly as honest as your heart will allow you.

    Trying to talk about something so personal is hard to do. If you are yet to face friends and talk, we all here have suffered loss, some still trying to get beyond it like you. You are never alone, and now that you have opened up, please don’t stop. It is ok to cry, say what you feel and believe when I say, nothing is too hard for us to hear.

    You need to also find a coping mechanism besides talking. Like tv, reading, cooking, things you used to do when it was a rainy day and you couldn’t go outside. So just think about things that will help you not feel so bad and allow yourself to heal inside.

    I hope you will have some peace of mind today and days forward. We are here to listen.

    -david

     
  3. SavannahG

    SavannahG New Member

    I am 24 and also lost my mother recently. I can relate a lot to your circumstances, and share my condolences with you. My mother also just turned 51, and dealt with a multitude of health problems.

    I am sorry for your loss, and know in this time it is really hard to feel honorable regarding decisions you have to make being that with the virus things feel so limited, but you are trying your best and for that should feel very good. Being that I am next of kin I had to plan memorial which eventually got postponed due to virus (which really tarnished the grieving process) so we are going to do something special on Easter (her favorite holiday, aside from Christmas) to make it feel special.

    I just visited this website today as today marks one month in her passing, and your post really resonated with me and made me feel less alone in my bereavement. You wrote you feel a lot of emotions but at the same time nothing at all, I’ve said those exact words. We are both grieving but you’re ability to be strong and post what you’re going through also gave me the strength to respond, so thank you for being a pillar of strength. I’m sure your mom is looking down on you and is very proud of how you are handling these circumstances and I’m sure she is part of the reason why you are so strong today!!

    I will pray for you and your family and am sending an warm embrace your way. ❤️
     
  4. TabbathaRae88

    TabbathaRae88 New Member

    Thank you for your response. I extend my condolences to you as well and hope that you have been able to grieve in peace. Planning a special service on your mother's favorite holiday sounds very nice.

    I know personally it has been really good just talking about what happened and how I feel through the whole process. I am glad I stumbled upon this site. People of course say the same thing over and over "If there is anything I can do..." and the one thing that actually helps is being able to talk about it. Just to hash it all out. But doing that makes people uncomfortable and/or they are too busy with their own life to really listen. So I haven't talked about it. When people ask how I am, I just say I am okay.

    So it is nice to have found a place where I can talk and people will honestly listen. I am glad to be able to do the same for others.
     
    JoNas likes this.