First birthday without my son

Discussion in 'Loss of Adult Child' started by AdriaStar, Jan 28, 2019.

  1. AdriaStar

    AdriaStar Active Member

    My son was born on my 19th birthday. He always said he was the best gift I ever received and that is true. Our birthday is coming up on Feb 25 and he would have turned 40. He died 11 days after his 39 birthday.

    I don't know how to get through the day. I'm not a huge holiday/birthday kind of person so that will help. One of my friends is planning a support day but I kinda feel like I just want to hide out. My daughter is struggling with her grief compounded with her worry about me.

    My lovely granddaughter turns 10 on Feb 28 (her due date was my birthday too but she waited) and she has now told me I can share her birthday.

    She was so cute, she wrote up a contract and made me sign it saying that I'm officially changing my birthday to be the same as hers.

    Just feeling sad. I hate this
     
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    I'm so very sorry for your loss. What a lovely gesture from your granddaughter. These life events that come after loss can be so very challenging, as if every day grieving wasn't hard enough. And it sounds like your shared birthday has always made it an extra special day, which of course now could mean it will be that much harder. It sounds strange but the advice I often give grievers when a life event is coming is simple: plan to be sad. No matter what you do, recognize what a hard day it's going to be and plan something (even if that is just planning to stay in bed all day). A support day is a nice idea but only if it's something you feel comfortable with. People are very well meaning and it sounds like you are blessed with good support. But in the end, you know what is best for you. So follow your instincts as much as you can.
    I have included an article I've written on special occasions and grief - I do hope it can be a help. See below...
    In the meanwhile, getting support can help and I'm glad you've found us. We are here to help~
    https://www.griefincommon.com/blog/coping-loss-planning-sad-helps/
     
  3. AdriaStar

    AdriaStar Active Member

    Thank you, the article is helpful. I know the day is going to be difficult for many people and some will be coming to me for comfort, which is difficult too. My son had many close friends who called him brother and are deeply grieving for him as well. Some turn to me for comfort as I've known them since childhood, it's hard to not take the 'mom' role with them too. My daughter in law will, I'm sure, have some sort of acknowledgment or 'birthday party' for his four year old son as she's pretty good at keeping his memory alive. My son was 'the party' and the one who kept his friends connected with each other for decades...with his absence the group feels adrift. And, on top of that, one of his best friends passed away on December 7 from a heart attack; she was 38 and left a four year old son behind. With most of the friends turning 40 this year or close to it, it makes them face their mortality in a way they haven't had to yet.

    My daughter and I plan to create a memorial garden on our family property as soon as it gets warmer. We have our dogs buried there and both my brother and my mom's ashes are scattered there.
     
    griefic likes this.