Feelings of guilt

I lost my husband of 35 years 14 months ago. I am slowly getting to a place where I can remember things we did and look at photos without always crying. My main issue has been that we had an argument the day he died. We had just started to “make up”. I gave him a little framed picture of his kitten and he gave me a bottle of crystal light. That was how we were. But we never got to the actual saying sorry part. The argument was totally my fault as I was upset about something silly. He died very suddenly that evening. He collapsed in our home and it was so sudden I never got to say anything to him. I’m not sure how to get past the guilt of not talking with him most of his last day and not apologizing for the argument.

 

Your hubby can hear you, you can talk to him now. He knows you love him, he already knows you're sorry. When you guys gave each other little gifts it was a sorry without actual words. My hubby died suddenly and unexpectedly too. My guilt feelings stem from not being able to save him.

 

Thank you so much. That means a lot to me. I think you are really gut and he knows I am sorry. I did read your post about how you tried to resuscitate your husband. That was very brave and I’m sure very, very difficult to get over. Your husband knows you tried your best, but I think when God is ready for us, there is nothing we can do to be saved. I’ve read a lot about people who’ve had near death experiences. It’s hard to say if it’s true, but if it is, these people said that when they died they were either told they had to go back to earth or they could make a choice. They said they felt other people do not get to choose and have to move on. You might want to look some of those up. It made me feel better because there are so many wonderful stories. My husband died very quickly. He was breathing when the paramedics got there, then he stopped breathing and they were going to shock him but suddenly he came to very briefly. He said “no pain” and had a smile on his face. He died right after that. At the time I wondered why he was smiling. Now I think he was seeing what is beyond death and it was a happy sight. He always had back pain because of an injury when he was young. About 2 weeks before he died, he said to me “I wish I could just have one day without pain”. I think he was telling me the pain was finally gone. I am sure it was your husband’s (and my husband’s) time to go and nothing could have been done to keep them alive. I wish you well. It is still early days for you but slowly you move into an existence where you can at least function. My emotions are still constantly changing and at times it still seems so unreal. The other day a little black pickup that looked a lot like my husband’s was coming down the road by my house. For a brief moment I was like “oh he’s home” but of course, I quickly came back to reality. Keep posting to let people know how you’re doing. God Bless.

 

I looked up the near death experiences. It's comforting. I have PTSD from the whole experience. I find myself having panic feelings Everytime I see ambulances and fire trucks with their sirens going but the strange thing is I don't remember hearing the sirens when they arrived at our house. I was too busy trying to perform cpr and was on the phone with dispatch until they got there. It's early yet in this grief and I just do what I can moment by moment.

 

Yes, that’s all you can do is go minute by minute. I don’t remember everything from when I called the ambulance either. They were pretty fast. I know I laid on the floor by my husband and talked to him until they got there but I can’t remember a word I said. Just take each day slowly. I still cry most days. I had a little break down today. I do talk aloud to my husband like you said. I hope he hears it all.

 

I can relate to the breakdowns. I know in my heart our husbands hear us. I have Joe's cremains and I keep him close, I even take him to bed with me for about an hour then I put him on the end table. I have him in a travel urn wrapped in white silk and embroidered with his name and dates. He just turned 60 years old. I will be doing two more memorials, one in New York for friends and family that could not make it to California. The other will be later in the country of Panama where we have taughted for seven years, we are permanent residents there. I wish I could give you a hug and cry with you.

 

That is nice you have him so close to your bed and wrapped so sweetly. I have my husband’s urn on my dresser. I hold it sometimes. The first time I held it I cried the whole time because he was reduced to something so small. I plan to take his ashes to the ocean someday. I’m thinking of keeping a bit in a keepsake necklace. But I’m not sure if that is right to do, or do all of his ashes need to be scattered together? I’m sending you a virtual hug. I would also cry with you. We have both lost half of ourselves.

 

I was thinking making Joe into a diamond there is a company that takes the carbon remains from a loved one and turn them into jewels. I can wear a diamond ring made of his small bit of his cremains in place of my wedding ring. I wish to pass the wedding set to my son when he gets married next year. His fiancee has Joe's wedding band for my son. I got through Wednesday not the best day of the week for me since it was on a Wednesday morning that he died. I hate getting up and having to teach on Wednesdays. It used to be my favorite day of the week for subbing.

 

I’m glad you made it through Wednesday. I’m sure that is hard to get going on that day of the week. My husband died on a Monday and at first those were hard but I’ve gotten to the point I only think of the date he died each month and light a candle for him. I didn’t know they could make the diamonds. I think that is a very sweet thing to do and also passing on your wedding rings. I hope you can begin to think of Wednesday as just another weekday again. It took me a couple months to stop thinking of Mondays as the day he died.

 

Yes I have hope that Wednesdays will eventually become a regular day. Joe and I had just moved into this house less than two months before he died. All of our clothes are still in suitcases I hadn't gotten around to buying a dresser. It's daunting task to do a simple thing like getting a dresser or even hanging our artworks. I am lucky if I can motivate myself to take a shower, get out of bed, and some days even substitute teach. Right I am thankful that I am a sub I couldn't handle a full time teaching job.