Feeling Lost and Heartbroken

I thought March 23rd, 2017 was the worst day of my life: the day my father succumbed to his battle with cancer and left this Earthly plain. For the years following, it seems like the world has desperately attempted to top that day and further the turmoil and trauma in my life... I have lost both of my grandmothers since his passing, a great aunt whom I was very close with growing up, and now.... two weeks ago, my mother. I thought losing my father was going to be the hardest thing to cope with. Losing my mother has been significantly worse for me.

I just don’t know what to do. I feel so lost, so overwhelmed, and so unbearably heartbroken without her. My entire life, she has always been my rock. My go to person. My sound of reason. We didn’t always see eye to eye and she wasn’t always the nicest to me, but damn did I love her. Watching her suffer through two bouts of cancer, all within the last year, was hard. Watching her suffer from neurotoxicity due to her chemo treatments, was harder. Signing the paperwork to put her in hospice because her body was too weak to fight and heal from her chemo treatment, harder still.... Saying goodbye to her for the final time, even more so. Moving forward and living my life without her, seemingly impossible. Everything I do feels wrong. I can’t stop thinking about her last month: her trying desperately to fight the effects of her chemo; or, of her last few days on Earth. I can’t stop thinking of all of the things we’ll be unable to share together... the moments she’ll miss. I can’t stop thinking about the hugs I’ll never get to feel again or the “I love you”’s I’ll never get to hear again.

How do you cope? How to you move forward? How do you find joy again?

 

I understand what you’re saying. She’s no longer around to see the big or even small moments in your life and it hurts. I was extremely close to my mom and her and my dad have both passed on. I don’t think it’s something you will every truly get over. It’s something you learn to accept. You just have to look for the good in the story. Your mom is no longer fighting cancer.