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Feeling Like I Am In Limbo And Lonely

Discussion in 'Dating Again After the Loss of a Spouse/Partner' started by Catty, Oct 19, 2020.

  1. Catty

    Catty New Member

    I lost my husband to stomach cancer in Feb. 2019. I feel like I have been proactive in dealing with my grief. I am lonely and I feel like I am in limbo trying to figure out what's next in life. I work a full time day job; therefore, the only free time I have is evenings and weekends. My friends are married and most work full time too. They have their own families. I do go out with my married female friends for lunch or supper on occasion. I have been invited a few times to participate in social events with couple friends. Definitely different now. Even though I feel like a third wheel, I do enjoy the social aspect. I live in a town where there really isn't many places to meet single people. I do not go to clubs or bars. I do make myself go out to eat (not fun alone!). I go to Bible studies at my church when they are at night. I exercise at a gym. I do go to church. I get frustrated when I hear advice of join a club or volunteer. That would be a great option if I was retired. Most clubs and other activities in my area meet during the day. I have looked at social weekend clubs and activities - which most I would have to drive an hour or more - and is an option for the weekend. I have chatted online and I have visited dating sites. I have found with most dating sites that you have to pay in order to really communicate effectively with someone. I have also found with most chat sites and some dating sites that people are fake, scammers, or sexually focused minded. I have never really had a lot of female friends, and it would be nice to have female friends to do things with and talk to. I do miss male companionship. Where do you meet nice respectful single men in their 50's? I feel like I am standing in the middle of a giant circle wondering which direction to walk and the process. My days seem like there is no purpose or direction. I get up, go to work, come home. Weekends I ask myself ok what are you going to do today. Most of the time the answer is I don't know and end up piddling the rest of the day. I don't want the rest of my life to be like that. I feel like I can live alone, but I feel like I am separated from people in general because I am a widow. I hate feeling lonely. I hate the void inside of not having someone to care for and to be cared for by someone. I know my children, my brother, and my friends love me and support me, but it is just all so different. A piece of me is missing. No one can understand that feeling unless they have walked in my shoes. I do try to keep a positive attitude. I do try to remember that God gives me the strength and guidance to walk each day. Lately I have found myself crying and thinking of my late husband when I go to bed. I miss him. I just wish I knew what direction my life is going and had friends/companionship to lessen the loneliness. I know I can do activities alone, but I do not enjoy doing activities alone. It is more enjoyable to have someone to go on vacation with, to go to the movies with, to eat out with, or to call/text with. I am just in limbo and lonely asking when shall this too pass?
     
  2. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Hi Catty,

    I feel like I could've written what you did. I wish I had an answer, I try keeping the faith and I tell myself when the timing is right something will click. It will be a year for me soon, so I'm not sure I'm ready to date, but thoughts of it are there. There's one man, but I consider it more of a friendship. Also am not interested in a dating site. As I said, I wish I had some type of answer to tell you. I can say that you're not alone in these feelings.
     
    Anna B likes this.
  3. Catty

    Catty New Member

    Thank you Glego for your words. I am not not ready for a heart relationship right now, but I would not mind having a friendship/companion to do activities with. It is just so frustrating at times! I do hope that when the timing is right something will click. Covid 19 hasn't made things easier. It is harder to engage in social activities with all the social distancing. I am thankful and feel blessed that I do have my friends and family, but everyone has gone back to their normal life while I am still adapting to my "new normal". I try to honor my husband's wish for me to be ok and to be happy. I don't want to have a "woe is me" attitude. It is good to be just able to vent and know some people understand your feelings.​
     
    I’m lost and glego like this.
  4. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Hello Catty. Like Glego said you have written my thoughts/and feelings so accurately.

    It has been a year since Mike died and I do feel ready for some male companionship. He fought a long hard battle with cancer and I do believe what the Hospice people called "anticipatory grief" has been part of my journey. He was very ill for the last 15 months that we had together. I don't think I could go for anything serious as my heart is still so in love with Mike but a casual relationship for social outings, dinner, movies, walks etc would be good. But how do you meet someone? All our friends were couples. Social occasions are pretty much non-existent with Covid. I haven't tried on-line ... one hears so much about bad experiences. I don't want an on-line relationship, it would have to be someone local. I need hugs.

    Time will settle it I guess.
     
    I’m lost and glego like this.
  5. Ttosi

    Ttosi New Member

    Your words are exactly how I feel, my Mike passed April 2019 and just recently the loneliness has been so over whelming and I’m really missing the intimate side of our marriage what I would give just to cuddle and kiss my darling one more time
     
    glego and ainie like this.
  6. Leaf

    Leaf Active Member

    Hello Catty. I too know exactly how you feel. I lost my wife in July to a stage four cancer that we did not even know she had. It has been very lonely and difficult. Many times, I feel like I just don't belong anywhere. Very recently I signed up on one of those internet dating sites. It seems OK but I have only exchanged messages with a few women. I have not gone out or met anyone in person. Oddly enough, sometimes I feel guilty about it. I don't know why. The guilt just adds to my sorrow but I don't want to be alone. I am retired so every day is like your nights and weekends. It is so hard to be adrift in these sad waters that we never asked or expected to be in. There is no clear direction or end. I only pray that we will all eventually find some joy again.
     
  7. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Yes, the guilt. I'm in the same spot, it's not easy and that's okay it's a testament to the love. This is when you learn the lesson that you can feel lonely even though you're with someone. When it's not that special person your heart is looking for them.
     
  8. Leaf

    Leaf Active Member

    Maybe the guilt is a testament to the love. I hope so because then maybe I won't feel as bad about it. Thank you for writing Glego.
     
  9. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Leaf, you're welcome. We're all in this club that we don't want to belong to.
     
  10. I’m lost

    I’m lost New Member

     
  11. I’m lost

    I’m lost New Member

    I’m new on this site and I feel so much better reading that what I feel and am going through isn’t unusual. I lost my husband in July 2020 after finding out he had esophageal cancer in June, we thought with treatment we would have a few more years but he was gone so quick. I’m so lost and don’t know what to do. I’ve gotten on dating sites hoping to find someone to talk to and do activities with but haven’t had much luck, like other people have said a lot are scammers or just want sex. Then I feel guilty that I’m even looking for someone else, my husband and I were married 36 years and we did everything together and I loved him so much. I just feel so lost and I don’t know what to do.
     
  12. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Dear Lost, give yourself some time. I lost my husband December of 2019. I'm nowhere ready for a dating site, I too find the idea of a relationship a little much right now. I understand the loneliness. We were married just short of 30 years and we dated for seven+. I do have a casual male friend that I see every so often, however I've found that even while spending time with him I'm still lonely. My take on this is that it's my husband that I want, and of course like you there's that guilt.

    As for what to do, I can only speak for myself. Friends have been a big help, getting out for walks and in time I'm going to join some meet up groups when socializing is back. Right now, I've stopped looking and I'm going to let it find me as I go about doing things that I enjoy.
     
    KelleyAnne and I’m lost like this.
  13. 1Longstem

    1Longstem Member

    Hi - I hve been a widow since sept , 2019 , I hve a widower friend- we do things together but many times I wish my late husband was sitting there instead - this is do very very hard we were married for 33 years , met 35 years ago
     
    glego likes this.
  14. 1Longstem

    1Longstem Member

    I agree w Glego - I figure will give this to God - if He Has someone for me He will place that person in my life - right now even 17 months out - I really don’t think am ready for a 2nd love - long term committed relationship yet !!
     
    glego likes this.
  15. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    The same, I would rather have my husband here. Also as crazy as it may sound when he does visit, I don't want him sitting in the chair at the kitchen that was his, restaurants where we went are also off limits, we went to one and I almost had a meltdown. I don't care if people think I'm nuts, just have to go through whatever it is that comes up.