Feeling like everybody forgot about me?

Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by zane, Feb 17, 2019.

  1. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Yes, how to make a new life is so hard to even think of. We never asked for a new life. I think most here are like me...I just want my old life back!!!!!
     
  2. Brendameister

    Brendameister Member

    Making a new life after 27 years just seems impossible and like everyone the holidays are the worst.
     
  3. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    We all had such wonderful lives and now we’re all suffering. So unfair. The holidays approaching are the worst. Life isn’t bad enough right now, but now we have to navigate through the holidays some how. I feel invisible, like no one even knows I exist. Other then my children. They just don’t get it, they’re not suffering. But feeling forgotten after having such wonderful spouses that cared for us so much and now no one care, that just feels awful! I want my husband back, my life back. I don’t want anything else.
     
    Brendameister and Jenn2583 like this.
  4. bbcatherine47

    bbcatherine47 New Member

    I totally agree. I didn’t feel as though I was getting the support I needed so my therapist suggested I write a “grief letter” explaining my experience and asking for people to reach out to me. I did so and posted it on my Facebook page. I got tons of responses saying “I’m here for you” or “let me know what I can do” but no one actually texted or called which is what I specially asked for. Idk how I could have been any clearer and yet here I am feeling completely alone.
     
  5. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Let me say I am so very sorry for your loss and feeling of being alone. I’m afraid that’s a very common feeling for everyone on here. As time passes for me no one even thinks of me anymore. Expect me to be ok, my mind thinks really? After being together 44 years you think I’m ok in 6,8 months a year. No, it took 44 years to have this wonderful relationship it doesn’t just go away. But if they haven’t dealt with such a loss how could they know. However, in your case you reached out and told everyone, I think people don’t know how to act around us. One brother told me, don’t think I’m not thinking of you. I think of you every day. I do t call because I know I’ll cry I told him that’s perfectly fine, I need to talk to To people and feel someone cares and if you cry, that’s ok. I cry all the time. No change in how he treats me. He offered to take me out for dinner, let me know when you’re up to it. I told him 7 or 8 months ago. Still no invite. My other brother I told him I need support, he calls once a month if I’m lucky. I don’t remember the last time I talked to him.
    So we’re all dealing with the feeling of invisible and no one cares. I believe this site and all the people on here will be of great help to you. We’re going through the same things, feeling the same torture. We understand and are here for you. Take one day, one hour one minute at a time. Let the tears happen. Try to ask a friend over for coffee. Don’t push yourself, I don’t know how recent your loss is but I find trying to stay busy keeps my mind busy and helps me.
    Keep posting, this is a great community of people and it has helped me quite a lot.
    Know that you’re not alone!
    Robin
     
  6. Jazzy112718

    Jazzy112718 Active Member

    It does seem that you become an "afterthought". I am now an afterthought. Even if you think about me, worry about me, care about me - your life went on. Yes you miss my husband too - but you have your husband - your person. That is the hardest part - no one to call to say "Hey baby I'm running a few minutes late." "You want me to stop by & get Chic-fil-A sandwiches for us?" "You need anything while I'm at Home Depot?" No one except my dog & she helps me get up every morning. Peter's been gone 16 months next week - I am lost, devastated, and hate this new life. I need a magic wand..............!
     
  7. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I’m at 16 months on 3/17, so we’re in the same time frame. And both experiencing the same exact things. Lately I feel like I’m going backwards, feeling even worse if that’s possible. Everyone has moved on and don’t call or stop in, like I’m not here. Ron and I were together 44 years, you can’t just turn a switch and forget a lifetime together.
    I agree it’s the little things, No one to ask can you pick up milk, make sure I made it home safe, or a big one for me is no sweet texts any more. No one to sit home and watch a movie with, everything is wrong and lonely.
    This is just so hard. I hate coming home to an empty house, but like you I have my dog, and he’s always there for me, and yes gives me a reason to get up.
    We all need that magic wand!
     
  8. Jazzy112718

    Jazzy112718 Active Member

    I'll think of you on 17th (you're on my calendar) - & you me on 27th (Jazzy 112718 - is my dog and Peter's death date).
     
  9. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Thank you! Means a lot! Are you like me, when someone does something nice, I cry. You saying that you’ll think of me on 17th, made me teary. No one does anything caring or nice so I really appreciate that. So 10 days after the worst day of my life you experienced the worst day of your life. Torture. I will for sure think of you on the 27th. On your 15 month, 2/27, that was Ron’s birthday. Difficult day! Every day is difficult but special dates are devastating.
    So I after I wrote you earlier about no one reaching out, my brother text me asking how I’m doing, hasn’t heard from me. I answered I was ok, I’m managing and thanked him for asking. He didn’t text back. Ugh!
    I love your dogs name! And the date you lost peter, that’s sad but honoring him. My husband and I have the same initials, we always loved that, so I chose our initials to honor Ron.
     
  10. Jazzy112718

    Jazzy112718 Active Member

    After our convo....a friend from nursing school texted me. I didn't answer her in December b/c she was "unable to call me after Peter's death b/c she didn't know what to say." She was more concerned about my immortal soul - "Peter may have repented on his deathbed" - and if I don't repent I'll go to hell & won't see him again. WTF??? Is that really the most important thing for you to focus on? Do you realize the pain, suffering, and grief for the loss of my person is visceral? I relieved her of her responsibility to save me. I hope I haven't alienated you for my agnostic view. But real is real.

    Your brother, like my sister - appear not to understand the pain. Your brother meant well - AND maybe....just maybe he remembers today is your hideous - horrible - surreal day today. And I know he misses Ron too but I NEED to talk about him -right? I need to verbalize that he was everything - and now - he's a ghost in this house. And you are in the worst pain of your life.

    AND now there's 2 emergency room doctors - in critical condition. OMG. Stock market is crashing. Gotta run - grandkids out of school and I'm keeping them until this is all over. My broken-heart to your broken-heart!
     
  11. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I have an update. The wife of the brother who text me last night,she text me this morning. I havent heard from them in weeks. They bailed on a dinner I planned in honor of my husbands birthday, Feb 27. He said he’d take me out a different day. He hasn’t. But she text me this morning and he actually called a little bit ago. He talked a while with me. Asked how I was. I don’t answer real truthfully cause then people shut down. But he seemed genuine. Felt nice. My other brother, if I call him and ask for anything he’s here, but he doesn’t call me ever, same kind of thing, I think he doesn’t know what say. He thinks if he gets emotional, it’s a bad thing. Ive told him it’s not, still no calls. No one in my family seems to recall the 17th of every month is torture to me. And yes, how great would it be to talk about our husbands about the missing the pain, and how wonderful they were and have the other person tell their memories. I’ve had that some but not in a long time. The quiet of the house is deafening.

    I get that people don’t understand if they haven’t been through such a loss but shouldn’t siblings and family just be available. I would be, I’m not sure I would any more after how I’m being treated. Your sister doesn't understand my sister started judging me. Stopped all communication with her.

    I just got home from getting groceries, it’s a madhouse in stores. I don’t feel up to dealing with the madhouse but I got some things now back home.

    How many grandchildren you have?

    The way you signed was perfect I’m doing it right back.
    My broken-heart to your broken- heart.
    So true!
     
  12. Jazzy112718

    Jazzy112718 Active Member

    Hello friend from afar........I'm exhausted after 8 hours of 9y.o. & 7 y.o. Showered & collapsed on couch with dog. Headed to bed as I have them for the foreseeable future. I'm lucky that I can help out the parents b/c daycare is closed too. I wonder if people realize that this is going to be a very hard 5-6 weeks. Check out Andrew Cuomos speech yesterday asking for the corp of engineers to start building MASH units.

    I hope your day was NOT as bad as we both know it can be. I've had 2 siblings check on me today - so maybe we're both on the upswing (wink wink nod nod). I doubt it but one can only hope. If people would just mention Peter from time to time - it would be enough but I've heard "we don't know whether to be happy - you might not like it.....we don't know whether to be sad - b/c it could make you sadder". Well WTF - say something - anything. Remind me that you haven't forgotten him. When I mention him - RESPOND!

    OK enough already. Gotta go get to bed - sleeping pill time. It's my happiest time of the day. Night night!!
     
  13. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Hi, Does sound like an exhausting day. I think they’re lucky you can help out. I personally am an emotional wreck, before this happened, all this going on, is wearing on me. I’d be perfectly fine if Ron was here. I tell myself the things I know he’d be saying. That helps. I heard Cuomo was considering putting up drive through units, possibly at Jones Beach. I believe China had such units.
    That’s crazy you actually had 2 siblings check on you today. My same brother actually called me twice today. Before Ron passed, he’d call me all the time. Now almost never. Today almost felt normal with him calling a couple times. He asked how I was but I’m not sure he had Ron in mind. But whatever I’ll take it. Plus his wife reached out. Knock me over with a feather, so shocking. Coincidence we both had family checking on us. Weird.
    I’m going to try and rest, sleep has been difficult for me, miss Ron even more at night. So I stay up late, it’s pretty late, hopefully I sleep.
    Talk in the morning!
     
  14. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    So it’s 16 months today! 16 months exactly at 11:34 tonight. Ugh!
    He loved having corn beef and cabbage on St Patrick’s Day! I was lucky enough to be able to get the meat and all ingredients, so that’s dinner tonight with my daughter. Feeling extra sad on this month anniversary. Guess cause of what’s going on, I could use his comfort. Plus it’s St Patrick’s Day. Not like we celebrated really, but we made our special dinner.
    Talk later, good luck keeping the kids occupied. ☘️
     
  15. Jazzy112718

    Jazzy112718 Active Member

    Today started off hard....my son finally told me he's having hard time dealing with dad's death. He said "I thought I would be farther along in my grief". Lots of crying - it's just so painful. This covid-19 is so hard and yes if he were here with me - it wouldn't be so hard. But everything was better when he was with me. I adored him and I just can't stand it. Crying just erupts - I want to be better I just don't know how. I hope things will be better someday but not counting on it.
     
  16. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about you and your sons rough days. How old is your son? This has to be very hard on both of you. It’s a huge loss and a crappy life changer that we didn’t want, yet here it is. Your son just wants his dad back, want normalcy. Like we all do.
    It’s hard to be better when the person who made everything better is gone. I keep thinking that. If Ron was here, I wouldn’t be feeling like this. I try to do tings we did together, but many times I just feel worse cause I’m alone or doing or going places with the wrong person and it’s just not right.
    I’m having a rough day today, no real reason except I miss my husband.
    I hope you and your son are having a better day today.
     
  17. Jazzy112718

    Jazzy112718 Active Member

    My son an adult man........he isn't one to express his emotions like that so I take it seriously. But I dragged myself up today after another set back. Sisters ignored my mention of Peter in a written text. WHY? b/c they think I'm in a "pity hole". But - I've got to guard my heart & just ignore this behavior. No more suggesting that they acknowledge my pain. Oh well - I say that like I can just shrug it off......which I really can't. Plus the kids now have strep throat - so their mom has been home with them. Maybe tomorrow I'll have them again. IDK.

    You seem braver than I. Going out - I'm just a hermit with my dog. It's just too too hard isn't it? I started reading on couple fb widow sites & it makes me feel like "Oh I'm right on track with my healing". These people are saying the exact same things I'm feeling. Crying & withdrawing (even before) COVID-19 We just have to take support from people in our grief-pain b/c even though I don't wish pain on others......they will never know until they know. Then it might be too late for them to beg forgiveness.

    But on a lighter note - I'm in Alabama where the pollen is flowing. Everything is covered in yellow. Spring is a great season but breathing pollen is the pits. I hope your evening is good or less-bad. I hope not to cry myself to sleep. And I hope my sleeping pill works tonight. TTYL
     
  18. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Believe me I'm not going out, I'm staying home, the only out I'm doing is in the back yard and with my dog.My daughter will be 36 next month and she misses her dad like crazy and she lets me know and we support each other. My son is 32 he sounds more like your son, he keeps his emotions hidden. It's also difficult because he's in Florida, but he does support me. And has told me he misses his dad and has guilt that the first Christmas he has spent at home in many years was after his dad passed. Guilt he hasn't been with us for holidays. I told him not to feel that way, we saw each other as often as we could. I thought he might try to be home for holidays after that, but its hard for with his work.
    I seriously don't believe there is a time line for grief and mourning, we're all different and everything effects each of us differently. I'm at 16 months and people think I should be all perfectly happy by now. Not even close. It makes me angry the rude things people say and do. they're turn will come one day and then they'll see. I've definitely, withdrawn, no one gets it, feels better being by myself, or with my daughter.
    I'm sorry about your sisters, I don't get it, I would expect family to be our best support, nope! In fact I cut all communication with my sister, she judged me all my life and then she judged me more after Ron passed, I'm done with her. I believe she's a narcissist, and she needs to be right on everything. Believe me she's not right on most things. Then there's my brothers, I I call and ask for help they'll help me but even then they don't ask how I'm doing. Like I said, they'll see one day.
    You're lucky you're experiencing spring, it's cold here, I am so ready for spring. I thought you were in SC, by your profile info. Probably warm there too compared to NY. But you're in Alabama, suffering with the pollen. I am so allergic, but would love some warmer temps.
    Hope we both get a good nights rest, it's rare for me but I'm finding the CBD does help me.
     
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  19. Jazzy112718

    Jazzy112718 Active Member

    Hello there, it's been a busy week. Girls here, pollen count HIGH, couple of meltdowns........... But today shaping up to be ok so far. Hope you are well. I just as you said - I started my profile before I moved from OUR home in SC which was adopted b/c Peter & I lived in Colorado for 20 years before he got sick & couldn't stay in the altitude. But I digress.........

    Trying to keep 9y.o. & 7y.o. busy is a job in itself. It's all about the art of the manipulation to keep them happy with each other & occupied. Pool is still too cool to actually swim, but the playground & play room is helpful. I wish I wanted to bake cookies or something but I have NO desire to do that. Peter was the cook in my life & I just absolutely hate the kitchen.

    How are you? I hope since we spoke last you are doing OK? I am not doing anything with family except "yes, the weather is...... OR nothing". I feel like someone put a straw in me & sucked me clean. Just have barely enough energy to get up to take dog out. WHY WHY WHy is this 2nd year so hard? Anyway, I hope you are OK. Let me hear that you are surviving.
     
  20. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    So during Peter's illness you had to move, and now you've had to move again. I can't even imagine. That's a huge task anytime. So you're in Alabama, close to family? Although the kids are work I bet they are a good distraction too.

    I am surviving, but this virus on top of grieving is too much. My daughter is coming over tonight and we'll have dinner together. That will be nice. The loneliness is debilitating. I actually love to cook and bake but the desire is totally gone. I need Ron to cook for, I'd make us nice dinners or we would cook together. And we hosted every holiday. Now even though I told my family I need to host like Ron and I did, they're not joining me for the last holidays. That hurts. My one brother has reached out to me more since this virus, so that's something, he texts me. I'll take it it's better then nothing.

    We've taken a few rides on the beach to get out of the house, but it's seriously cold and windy there but seeing the ocean and being out is good. we pack sandwiches and have lunch or dinner in the Jeep and only get out a little for a little fresh air. All our playgrounds are closed swings taken down etc, but parks and wildlife refugees are open but so crowded. We tried to go to a refugee we always visit but no place to park, we left.

    Continue keeping on and stay healthy