Feel like there’s something wrong with me

Hi everyone. I’m new here.

I lost a close friend very suddenly and unexpectedly on 4/10/20. Tomorrow it will be 2 months. I know there is no timeline for grief and it’s different for everyone, but I’m starting to feel like there’s something wrong with me. I am still having days of intense sadness and despair and disbelief. When I think of his face and that I’ll never see him again, I feel shocked all over again, like i can’t get my mind around it. I feel like maybe I should be further along in the process by now. I feel stuck. I am working and functioning but inside I am really struggling. I feel disengaged from the world of the living. I’m present just enough to get by, but all I want is to be left alone with my thoughts and my memories. I also feel him around me. I talk to him. I feel he is listening. It feels like I’m continuing a relationship with someone who is no longer physically here, and I’m afraid maybe that’s not healthy. I know I should engage more with my loved ones instead of retreating into my grief, but in order to do that, I have to let Josh go, and I can’t. How do I just “move on” without him?

A couple factors that have made things harder: 1. it was not just a friendship. It was very complicated. But I loved him. 2. Due to some things I don’t want to get into, I am grieving privately. I have to hide what I’m going through from everyone except my best friend. As you all would know, grief doesn’t take well to being hidden. So every day around everyone, I smile and act like my normal self while inside I’m in agony. I feel like a volcano, but I can’t explode, so it’s just burning me on the inside.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know where to turn. I feel like I’m going crazy. I am reaching out in desperation, really, because this is one if the hardest things I’ve ever been through and I am hurting.

Thanks, all, for listening...

 

First I want to say I'm sorry for your loss. You definitely cant hide your grief completely. You are going to have to talk it out with someone. Here is a good start. You can message me anytime to talk. There is no time limit on grief. I lost my fiancee almost 3 months ago. I feel like a part of me is gone. So if you loved your friend I'm sure you feel the same way. There is no denying the emptiness. Pray for strength and take it one day at a time. Everyday is a challenge. We have two small kids and they ask for him everyday. So I'm griefing for them and me. Tomorrow is my birthday and I cant imagine getting through it without him. I no well get through it just like we did my sons bday. Again I'm sorry for your loss. Take it easy and talk it out here or with someone.

 

There's no timeline for grief, so take that pressure off ourself. Other people may give you a timeline, don't accept it. They have no idea. It's not their pain.

My fiance was killed in a cycling accident 4.5 weeks ago. Nothing I do is normal now, because my life isn't normal any longer.

We were both spiritual people. My way of coping is to journal with him every night and having him answer my thoughts and questions. It doesn't matter what your belief system is or whether you think you're writing to yourself. It's a way of processing, and eventually accepting, the grief.

I notice I'm acting better than I feel when I speak to friends. It's hard for people to witness our pain, so I choose who I show it to, namely a widow who understands the trauma of sudden death.

Never question your own sanity. Grief IS insane because it ****s with our brain AND our bodies. All I'm trying to do right now, is eat healthy and be kind to myself.

I also, every day, ask myself the question, 'How can I align with the vibration of love?' Our love was unique, deep, 18 years of total, unconditional love with the love of my life, best friend and playmate. Having that ripped away from me is inconceivable to my mind. So, the question is to try to help me reconnect to the feelings.

People tell me it gets easier. I'm struggling with inertia. I'm in a precarious position financially, in rented property and can't pay. It makes me angry that this worry and fear gets in the way of me just being allowed to grieve.

I'm asking God to help me, protect me. I never spoke to God before. I just believed in a higher power, order of things. Somehow, I'm directing my faith now...

 

Well brother you're not crazy. What you are feeling is that love that ran so deep for your friend. Grief is measured by how much you love that person. If that love ran deep so is that pain going to run just as deep. I lost my fiance March 14th 2020, my Aimee my sweetness my angel.
I also talked to her throughout my day, is it healthy to talk and let those emotions out. I also understand you feeling sad in deep despair. Some days I feel like there's just a giant black cloud over my head and just raining on me all day. But also some days are easy and full sunshine and amazing memories. This is grief takes you through all kinds of emotions all day long. It's only been two months as well don't feel that you're behind or ahead of the game, cuz there's none of that. Grief isn't insane roller coaster ride, takes you up, down, up, down.
I was feeling the same way you were about a month ago. I also was at the 2-month anniversary of my angels death. You feel out of control, lost, what am I going to do without this person. Don't feel that you're in this alone, cuz there's always someone to talk to I'm here about it. Feel free to ever reach out to me if you need to talk. I'm here.
Take it easy on yourself also, I was beating myself up over and over. Making my healing process difficult.let the little things slide.
I also have come to an understanding that she has piece of my heart and I hers. I understand the relationship continuing while there gone. I feel her around me, she talks to me only head, but when you spend 24 hours a day together over years, one tends to have that voice of that person in your head, I personally don't think there's anything wrong with you continuing the relationship, as long as it doesn't hurt you or anyone else. I think you can decipher what's healthy and what's not. Grief can make you do some odd things and things you thought you never do. Grief makes its own path...
My prayers go out to you brother.
Jonathan Staufenbiel - a man of many experiences...

 

I am so sorry for your loss. As you mention there is no time line for grieving. This sounds like a very good, caring , loving friendship. I’ve learned to say, it’s only been 2,6 10 or whatever months, of coarse I’m still grieving. Instead of it’s been 2 whole moths, I should be doing better. The love doesn’t just stop at the loss of someone. There’s no switch to turn. Don’t be hard on yourself. It is important to let your emotions out and to talk of them. This site is very good for that. Post often, read and share stories, it is very helpful.
You feel his presence because he’s most likely watching over you. This is a long process, be sure to take care of yourself, and hopefully you have a few people you can talk with and that offer support.
I lost my husband of 43 years, 18 months ago. I know the feelings you speak of. It’s all very difficult. Ron suffered a massive heart attack, he was taken from me in 2 hours. He didn’t have any health issues, this came out of no where. He was my world, my everything, spent everyday together, 24/7. Ran a business together, then taken so fast. When I think back to that night I still think how did this happen. But I am in a better plaice, usually our happy memories now make me smile where before they made me cry. This site has helped me so much.
Take one day at a time, and be good to yourself.
Robin

 

Robin, I hope I get there some day like you. Really have been having a hard time and just not happy anywhere. Just trying to survive. My daughter thinks I need to see someone to talk but why all I will do is cry. Hopefully when I go to my brothers a different place will help. Take care and happy that u are doing better.

 

Cora,
thank you so much. It’s strange how things happen, all the sudden I realized sometimes our memories can make me smile. I still feel lost without Ron, but I am feeling like the weight is lifting some off my shoulders. I still hate the loneliness but I feel I’m being stronger about dealing with it. Yesterday while driving to my daughters house I heard, I can’t stop loving you, by Ray Charles on the radio. Made me cry so hard I had to pull over. But there was a time I wouldn’t even put the radio on.
I think your visit to your brother is a great plan, change of scenery, seeing new people. My first visit to my son in Florida was very good for me, but when I got back home to an empty house, I wasn’t good at all. Hope that doesn’t happen to you. I just read that NY’ers visiting Florida are expected to quarantine for 14 days upon arrival. Not sure how they track that but, I found that surprising. I’m not going for a while anyway. But I do desperately want to see my son.
I’m afraid I’m not sure how far along you are since your loss and actually it doesn’t matter. But give yourself time. I was starting to think I’ll never feel ok again. But I took a look back at how I was early on and I have made progress. Losing our soul mates is life changing and the love we shared took years and was still growing. There’s no on and off switch to help us through. I’ve been doing a lot of yard work and working on an memorial garden. The garden feels like a gift for Ron and that gives me motivation. I’d do anything for him. And keeps my blood flowing, which is a good thing.
Be good to yourself. ❤️

 

Thank u Robin, I think ours lives are a lot alike. Both great husbands and very devoted to them and our lives together. It’s only been since October 2019 so I think I still need time to adjust. I told me doctor today that I smile and say I am ok but it’s all fake I feel like I am falling apart inside and I just can’t show it. I saw one of my husbands besties today and he was like I keep meaning to come over but something always happens. I told told him it’s ok no one wants to be around a cry baby anyways. He also has been having a lot of medical issues with his wife but at least they got 60 years together. That’s what I wanted with my husband and it’s hard to be around married people right now anyways. And yes, I am excited to go to my brothers (Michigan) but also scared to but I have decided that I can’t be scared all the time. ABout getting sick or to die cuz we tried everything for my husband and it didn’t keep him here with me. So I still need to live . My doctor said it would be good for me too so I hope so. I will just make sure I have my anxiety medicine just in case. It’s weird, you don’t think about death until something happened then that’s all I can think about. When my mother passed away in 2016 , I thought okay I know I will have a heart attack and pass away before my husband so I never thought he would go first. Life doesn’t happen like we plan so I am not making any plans anymore just one day at a time. Thanks for listening and talking it really helps me understand my feelings. God bless and stay safe.

 

Yes, I believe we have a lot in common too. I see how much you miss your husband and the love you had/have for each other, the respect, the wonderful life you shared. That’s Ron and I too. We spent most of our time just the 2 of us. That’s how we were happy, or with our children.
I’m a full year ahead of your grieving process. Ron passed in Nov 2018, last summer was very difficult, which is about where you are now. There is no time line and I know you know that but I feel I was about where you are now in that time frame. I like that you said it’s only since Oct 2019, that’s my new way of saying how long, I had been saying it’s been 8 months already why don’t I feel better, now I say it’s only been 8 months of coarse I’m still in pain.
You’re not a cry baby, you’re in pain. I was sure I’d go before Ron, but in many years. But like you said, it doesn’t happen just because we think a certain way. You know, forever wouldn’t have been long enough.
You take care of you. You’re the most important right now. Remember, baby steps.
I’m trying to order a signature necklace, I went through all the cards Ron got me. Well that was a cry fest. But I. Going to order a charm with his signature.
Don’t be hard on yourself, you’re life has changed so much, this is normal
❤️Robin