Feel like no one understands.

I lost my mom/only best friend unexpectedly almost 3 years ago (Oct. 7th). She died in her sleep. I still remember everything about that day as if it only happened yesterday. I was 50 years old. Just tour down a old family house and started a new job and lost my mom all within weeks of each other. I am grateful that I had many wonderful years with my mom. We did everything together. When we got bored we would go shopping together, go get a ice cream and go riding on side roads. I did have a lot of wonderful years with her. And I have a list of wonderful memories I have wrote down. Even though I still have my husband,son and father, I still feel an emptiness. And I feel down a lot. Your mother would not want you to be unhappy,people say. Or how long has it been,people ask.Your mother would want you to move on.How do you move on from losing your only best friend?I mean I still go to work every day.Eat,sleep cook for holidays/birthdays. But is there a time limit on missing someone? I just want to know that I am not the only one out there that feels the same way after this long a time. I feel like no one understands how I feel or that I am wrong in how I feel.

 

Sorry for the loss of your mother. I lost my mother suddenly in May. It has only been a couple of months, so the shock is still there. I don't think there is ever a time limit on missing someone. As far as the grieving is concerned, everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time.

 

My deepest sympathy for the loss of your mother,Sciguv. It is a horrible thing to go through. Yes you are right, everyone grieves differently and in there own time. She meant everything to me as I am sure so did your mother. I just feel down a lot. And I don`t think I had that when she was here. Maybe it`s because of the emptiness that I feel without her. I try to keep myself busy,but it`s the days I have nothing to do that I miss her the most. I do have other friends, but it`s still not quite the same.
Thanks for taking the time to listen while you are going through your own pain.

 

I agree that it's not as bad when you're busy; as your mind is preoccupied. It therefore makes sense that we feel the loss more when we are idle. My father was dependent on my mother. With her gone, caring for him now falls to me. That does keep me busy - and exhausted at times. I don't know how my mother did it for do many years. Anyway, I think grief is a process that we simply must endure - regardless of how long it takes.

 

I agree. Losing a mom is really a very sad life event especially since you were so very close to her and she seemed like a very good friend as well as your mom. I think as long as we are alive that we will miss our dear ones. All we can do is try to adjust to the loss in the healthiest way possible. It seems as if you have done well as you are active with your family. I think the hardest part of a loss is trying to find meaning and purpose. It's like starting life all over again without a lot of guidance. I am listening to U-Tube talks on grief and I was in a support group sponsored by hospice. I am learning that it is good to talk about your loved one to people who are sympathetic and understanding the need for you to do this. If you are able to find a good grief counselor who you can afford that would be helpful.
My heart goes out to you.

 

My mom was a wonderful mother and best friend.She loved to crotchet and made me so many things,from doily`s,a table cloth,snow flakes and Christmas decorations to put on the tree.Those I will always have and treasure.We did everything together.From lot`s of shopping together,exercising,etc...Yes,we had a really good mother/daughter relationship.I am grateful that I got to have 50 wonderful years with her. But there is such a void without her. I have my dad,whose health is good.And I do do some things with him.And I have my husband and son. I am grateful to have them. I now do all the Holiday cooking and the Holiday get together`s are at mt house.After almost three years I lay awake at night thinking of her.She just left so suddenly. I have gone to U-Tube and listened to some of the videos on grief. But it has been a while. Between working and exercising my days are pretty full. Which is good. But it`s the days I have nothing to do and no one to do anything with that I am so,so sad. That`s when all I want is my mother. And I don`t think people understand. How long has it been?,they say. I really and truly believe that will never go away. I will always miss and grieve the loss of my best friend.

 

Hi Wendy,
I imagine that you will miss your mom for a very long time and that is natural and OK. She was such a huge part of your life and her death was so sudden. I am so sorry. My mom died in 1998 and I think about her every day and miss her. I wish I could just sit down once more and we could visit. There are things I wish that I had said and things I regret very much saying and I would like to apologize to her. She was a widow for 30 years as my dad passed when he was only 62.
It sounds like you are making a very good effort to keep going and doing for your family. I do understand the void. My husband passed in Dec. and there is a big hole in my heart that will stay there for as long as we are separated.
Some days are better than others and like you, it's usually when I am home by myself. I guess you have to accept that grief is part of living.
One grief counselor I had told me to write a letter to my husband and read it outloud to someone who is kind and understanding. perhaps if you have not done this you might try it.

 

Hi Sara,
I am sorry for your loss of your husband. It must be very hard for you. And that there must be a big void there too.I have told myself I could go threw this many more times in my life. And since I have lost my mom I wonder about it often. Very scary thing. But I guess you are right and that we just have to come to terms that grief is a part of living. I have not tried writing a letter to my mom. I have heard it does not help. But I can try it. Not sure who I can get to read it too. I am very close to my sister-in-law. But she is one of them who seems to say,how long has it been? Like I should be over it. She lost her husband 15 years ago and is now remarried. She went threw a lot when her first husband died. She is a very compassionate person though. To be honest with you I really think that when we have lost someone who we really,really loved,you never get over it. You will always grieve there loss in some way and will miss them awful. I do thank you for listening and trying to help me. Especially where you are grieving the loss of your husband. My heart goes out to you!

 

Hi Wendy..I lost my Mom just over a year ago ( May 2017).. like you I was 50 yrs old and my mothers passing was sudden. I talked with her every day some times more and spent every other weekend with her and also all of my vacations. It's been quite a loss for me in so many ways. I got through the year of firsts ok.. birthdays, holidays etc..But I am not finding the grief to become any easier. I live alone (unless 4 cats count ..lol) I have 2 brothers that I am not close with and they weren't close with my mom as I was. I suffer from depression and my mom was the one who loved me unconditionally through my trials and tribulations with it. It feels like my depression is complicated by grief and my grief is complicated by depression. I guess I am writing to say I understand and that you are not alone. I did all the things you mentioned doing with your mom, the shopping trips , the ice cream etc. I still do all I need to do..go to work, try to take my friends invites to go out and even have gone back to therapy as I wasn't able to find a grief group in my area. After my Mom passed, 2 months later a life long friend passed suddenly and then 3 months after that another friend passed suddenly so my grief was really in a whirlwind if that makes sense. I think we as a society compartmentalize so much about grief and put limits on it. I for one know I am only really at the beginning stages of trying to deal with the loss of my mom..and that it may not get easier anytime soon. I have a hard time when people say be thankful she didn't suffer as if any one would want their mother to suffer. The thankfulness that my mom didn't suffer doesn't alleviate the terrible loss and emptiness of missing her so dearly. I think it's helpful to find people who will understand the depth of the loss..they somehow lessen the burden. I wish you comfort in those times that you really feel down.

 

Hi SiobhanG...I am so sorry for your losses. My heart goes out to you. Sounds like you had a great relationship with your mom also. My mom was my best friend. I do have friends, but not best friends like my mom was to me. And sometimes I wonder if I am depressed too. Even though I am in my third year of her loss sometimes I get so down about not being able to reach out to her. And I think you are right,that society does put too much emphasis on the time limit. I had people saying that to me too,be happy that your mother did not suffer. My mom did suffer. She kept telling the doctors she was not feeling well.She was feeling light headed,no energy,
tightness in her chest and slept all the time. They did a AKG and run other tests and found nothing. They kept giving her a clean bill of health,no matter what she told them. And you are right, it does not take away the pain of missing her so much no matter if she suffered or not. Maybe I`m making too much out it because they have not loss there mother/best friend and just don`t understand. Some days are easier than others. The pain is not like it was the first year. But I still grieve her loss. And I think I always will. And it is because I loved her so. May you find comfort in your days of feeling down also.

 

May I ask why at 50 years old you are not married or have a partner of some sort.SiobhanG? You must be very lonely now that you do not have your mom.

 

Hi

Wendy,
You had an amazing relationship with your mom. It seems she was your best friend. So you are losing two of her!. And there is not a time limit on grief. It takes a lifetime for sure but it gets better in time.
I am honoring my dear husband by helping as many people as I can. My sis has dementia and I take her places 2 or 3 times a week as she is living with her daughter. I started a Parkinson's Disease support group when Richard was still living and had PD and I am continuing with it now and host caregiver meetings at my home. I sing in a Threshold Choir which goes once a week to sing at hospice house. Since I am retired I have time to devote to these things. However I have read that a good way to lift depression is to do a kind act for someone. I think it's true.
I am on antidepressants and have been for many years and I think they serve a very great purpose for us who need them. Maybe you could think of a way to honor your mom?
hugs
Sara

 

Hi Wendy...I guess I never found the right person..my life was mostly devoted to my mom..I lived about 30 minutes away from her so we did every thing together.

 

Hi Siobhang,
I completely understand how it is that you are not married. I was a very shy person and didn't meet my husband until I was 29. Thank goodness he was a very kind and thoughtful and considerate individual who was not pushy or in a hurry. We married a year later after getting to know each other's character and qualities. We were together for 46 years. If I had not met him I don't think I would have married anyone. Now that I am single I joined eharmony.com but have realized that I am still quite shy at heart and don't know what I would do having a 'boyfriend" at my age. I'm ending my membership in this and if someone I know is available I might consider seeing him on occasion. I don't think everyone needs to be married to find purpose and happiness in their lives.

 

Thank you Sara..Sometimes I have wondered why it has been my lot in life to not have found some one but I am ok with that. I guess it's just not everyone's lot in life to find someone. I have over come a lot in my life just to get where I am. I have faced a lot of challenges living with a depressive illness. My mom understood and was a great support to me through out a lot of trial and tribulation. It's been over a year since she passed suddenly so I have a lot of ups and downs..think I am only still at the beginning of the grief process. I am very sorry Sara for your loss of your husband..he sounds like he was a very kind man. I think it is wonderful that you are able to do things to honor your husband by helping others and still be involved with hosting a PD group and be active in a singing group for hospice. I think it probably helps you too to not be inactive. I wish you a lot of comfort on those days that might be harder than others.

 

Dear SiobhanG,
I understand when you say that your grieving process is still ongoing. I expect it will never fully go away. You will always miss your mom and because it was so sudden it is even more traumatic and more complicated to process. I,to have suffered from depression since I was a teenager. Thank God for antidepressants. I don't know how I could have managed without them. I was almost 60 when I first took them. Before that I just suffered many low times.
Even though I try to be as active as I can, being by myself is lonely. Our children are in their 40s and have very busy lives.
I have two sisters. My older one has dementia so I try to help her daughter, my niece, care for her and my twin's husband is very ill so I try to call her daily. My sister with dementia, her daughter who she lives with and me have lost our husbands in less than 2 years. We try to support each other as much as we can. I sleep well at night and have a tremendous faith in a Higher Power so that helps.

 

Dear Wendy,
Although I am grieving for
the loss of my wife and not
my Mom, I DO know what
you are going through and
I am very sorry for your loss.

I, like you think it was a very
peacefull passing. I am sure it
was. Just keep her in your
heart, maybe wear her clothes
or piece of jewelery, beads etc.

I ran the beaded chain of my
wifes 1/2 glasses through her
wedding ring and keep her
half's with me during the day
when I am home.

Take care,
Ray G.