My beautiful husband and best friend passed away 3 weeks ago very suddenly at only 36. We have a two year old and a 5 month old and I am drowning in grief, I miss him every second of the day and night. He was such a beautiful guy and we were happy, being a father was the highlight of his life and I can’t breath when I think of what my kids have lost. How do we survive this, I don’t even want to be alive anymore. We were together 16 years and I feel completely lost without him, it’s impossible to tell people how difficult this as there are no words for how the suffocating this loss is.
There are no words to explain the depth of your despair and pain at this point in your grieving process. There is little I can say except keep reaching out to the people on this site. We understand because we've been there. Our Story My Beloved wife Janet lost her earthly battle against brain cancer on October 18th, 2019 at 8:40 in the morning. I was at her side, as I was every minute of every day for over a year. Janet was the bravest, and most caring human being that I have ever known. Despite all the pain and physical challenges, she faced every day, she was always more concerned about how I was doing. Are you OK? was always the first thing out of her mouth every morning. She knew she was dying, with no hope of recovery. If, with your permission I can now turn back the clock to January of 2019, I will continue our story. Janet started having problems with her balance and would fall on occasion. After several trips to the emergency room, she was finally examined by a brain surgeon who ordered an immediate cat-scan. They discovered a rapidly growing tumor near the area of the brain that controlled sight. She had been having a lot of problems with her peripheral vision, and they had to be extra careful during any surgeries because of the risk of blindness. Surgery was scheduled the next morning. They drilled a hole in the back of her skull and tried to carefully vacuum away the cancer. They failed to get it all. They then tried radiation treatments (5 days a week for 16 weeks). At this point we still had a glimmer of hope, which was soon dashed when, after the radiation treatments, we were told there were no other avenues for a cure and my beloved Soulmate was going to die. There was nothing we could do but accept what they predicted. We were transferred to hospice care and I assumed the role of full-time caretaker. After a few weeks it was decided that Janet should go on 24-hour bedrest with a catheter and all. I had lost 50 pounds, and my clothes no longer fit, but Hospice allowed me to move into Janet’s room and to sleep in a chair that folded out into a makeshift bed, so I could continue to be with her 24/7. When I was caring for Janet at home she slept in a recliner in our living room, and I crashed on a corner of the couch, within arm’s reach, next to her chair so I could be available to help her to the bathroom, or if she needed assistance, I never left her side. The Hospice volunteers and staff became our family. I will be forever grateful for their kindness. It became more difficult for Janet to chew and swallow her food, so I had to cut up her food and spoon feed her and eventually, she could only eat pudding or yogurt. I will never forget the grateful look in her eyes when I fed her. That look is one of my most cherished memories. We listened to music together all the time. Adagio for Strings by Samuel Barber and Donny Hathaway’s A Song for You played while died. I love and miss her so much it’s eternally devastating.
Cscj, truly sorry for your loss and that you are here. I can't really tell you how you'll survive this, but you will, and it will take time. It doesn't get "better", you don't "heal" but you go on, one day becomes two, one week becomes two. You go on for your children, you go on for your husband. We have all felt the way you do, I still feel lost without my husband, it's been 10 months for me. Other people who have not experienced the loss of a spouse do not understand, that's why we're all here, to keep each other going, to share our devastating loss with those who understand and feel your pain. This is so raw and recent for you, it's a shock to your system, just take it day by day, hour by hour and know that the feelings you have are normal and that you're not alone. Sadly we all have all been where you are, it will get less raw.
Thank you for your helpful words & I’m so sorry for your loss also. I’m really struggling as, like you said no one understands. None of my friends or family have experienced a loss other then a grandparent (lucky them) and it’s impossible to relate to anyone or explain how all consuming and dark this grief is. I just feel so broken and don’t want a life of constant pain and reminders of what I’ve lost. I wish I could snap my fingers and turn back the clock for all of us.
