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Don’t know what to do

Discussion in 'Finding it Difficult to Move Foward' started by Kvilla25, Apr 7, 2021.

  1. Kvilla25

    Kvilla25 New Member

    So I’m trying to get advice in what to do. My dad passed away 2 yrs ago. His loss was the biggest heartbreak I could ever go through. My dad was EVERYTHING to me. He always put me first and was always super affectionate. He was a truck driver so when he was in town he was always giving me hugs and kisses and was always made sure I had everything. My mom has always been a good mom. She’s always been there for me. If I need anything she’s there. I’m honestly blessed to have had supportive parents. My dad passed away from a massive heart attack 2 yrs ago. He had came home for the weekend. Then he left to go work on Sunday night. Then the early hours of Monday he passed. Thankfully he wasn’t behind the wheel driving. He was turning in papers at a job office when he just fell and passed. The thing is when my dad passed away I just felt so emty. I still do. But my relationship with my mom changed. I don’t want her. I feel bad for feeling so distant from her when she’s just tried to be there for me. The thing that triggered me to have so much hate towards her is that my brother does drugs. There are times he is good but times he starts being aggressive and wanting to fight do to being drugged up. So 8 months ago he was acting up and wanting to fight me. I would literally feel nauseous being at home due to the anxiety he would give me. So I told my mom either you kick him out or I’m moving out. I couldn’t take living at home anymore. She told me she wasn’t going to kick him out to the streets. So I moved out, I didn’t want to but I felt the need that I had to for my mental health. The first 2 weeks I cried everyday. I felt then and I feel now so empty because I don’t have my dad and I had to move out. My mom tells me all the time to move back home and I tell her no. That it’s her fault I moved out. My brother isn’t doing drugs right now but I feel like I can’t go back home. I feel like moving out made me have more anger towards her because I know if my dad was here this wouldn’t have happened. How I deal with my feelings is I hold everything in and then once it is all bottled up I explode. How I deal with it also is when I drink I get super drunk. I can’t control my drinking once I start. I don’t drink everyday but when I drink I get super drunk. So back to my mom. She upset me the other day and I blocked her. I unblocked her because she showed up to my apartment but today we went to go eat and I told her I didn’t really want to talk to her anymore. I just have so much anger towards her. That I don’t know what to do.