I lost my husband 2 and a half years ago to an accidental overdose. We had been on again off again for sometime due to his PTSD (from war) and addiction issues. We were separated when he passed, we have two daughters who were 2 and 6 at the time. The day he over dosed I had served him with divorce papers, I couldn't do it anymore, I was so done fighting, I gave up, I quit, I wanted better for my girls. He was the one who asked for the divorce, almost a year prior but he never moved forward on it. I said so many hurtful things over that year (as did he). He was my best friend, he was the love of my life, who I thought I would spend forever with and by the time he passed I couldn't even recognize the man I was looking at. I was so angry he was choosing drugs and this life over his family. He died in an apartment of someone who he didn't even know, with people who were junkies. I wonder all the time if maybe I would have fought a little harder, if I wouldn't have given up, maybe just maybe he would still be here. His best friend from high school, who was like a brother to him, committed suicide a year ago in November, he felt so guilty that he couldn't save him, and he didn't know how to go on with out him. I have so much guilt that I don't know what to do with. I am miserable, I have started having panic attacks everytime I relive the day he died. It feels like my heart is breaking over and over again. I feel like I am drowning and I can't breath. I feel no emotions, I don't know how to feel love or happiness or anything other than sadness and guilt. Please tell me Im not alone in this.