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Do the tears ever stop?

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Dee Kay, Dec 29, 2020.

  1. Dee Kay

    Dee Kay Member

    It's now 8 months since my husband passed. I can't believe I made it 8 months without him, it's a blur.

    I'm wondering do the tears ever stop? I have cried every single day, multiple times a day for 251 days straight. On the outside I manage to "live" life. I work, I eat, I clean myself and the house. I partake in some social things with my immediate family just to prove to them that I'll be ok. Inside I'm not ok and never will be.

    Then the second question is if the tears stop does that mean I'm forgetting him? I fear that. As time goes by the immediacy of his presence will wane. I know I'll never forget him but yet I'm bound to stop thinking I hear his footsteps or the urge to tell him something. The thought of that is so sad.
    JMD likes this.
  2. Harrykari

    Harrykari Member

    Tears are an expression & physical release of strong emotion. They reflect our loss, our love, & sometimes tears come because we don't want this change thrust upon us. Trying to hold it together on the surface to family & friends is tricky. You want to be strong, you don't want them to worry but everyone needs to find a way of releasing that emotion a bit at a time so it does not overwhelm. Emotionally if you squash it down, it will burst out adding to that feeling of being out of control. Talking to someone who is not family or friends about what happened, your feelings & thoughts, may help bring back some sense of control
    Dee Kay likes this.
  3. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    You sound just like me - tonight when I was walking the dog, the tears came again, and I had the thought ‘I didn’t know it was possible for me to cry every day for six months’. Functioning when I have to though - work, phone calls, errands....I have taken to showing my emotion only to those I feel safe around - those I know will support me and who recognize that I am never going to be the same. Mostly those people are outside my family, unfortunately.
    I am just going with what happens - if I cry and feel sad, ok. If I feel ok, I embrace it. I am never going to forget my husband, I know that with all my heart and I’m guessing from your post that you won’t forget yours. I know that fear though - will I forget him, am I letting him down if I’m not sad? I try to remember that he loved me and he would never want me to be this sad for so long. I try to remind myself of that often and work more on ways to honor him and adjust to his absence. I believe this grief journey is the hardest road we will ever take, and not by choice. God bless you and I will pray for your peace.
    Sweetcole likes this.
  4. Dee Kay

    Dee Kay Member

    Thank you for your response. This is the most difficult thing to go through. I have found quite a lot of ways to honor my husband but adjusting to his absence is a truly unbearable thought. I know I have to move forward, and I have done an awful lot in the past year, work on my house, finishing some renovation projects, etc., and I know I will have to adjust to him not being here but it breaks my heart. Our whole life, our plans, our dreams, everything in my house, my neighborhood is a reminder of us and our future. I'm at a loss as to how to live this life we built together without him. And yes, I know my husband would absolutely want me to be happy, to find joy again, to live life to the fullest, but I'm definitely struggling with how to do that. I do feel grieving during a pandemic has made it all the more difficult.
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  5. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    I am with you and know all of these feelings well. Sometimes you can only go through the motions and ‘do the time’. My husband was a plumber and was very handy - could fix anything. All of the home projects were more meaningful, more fun with him. We felt like we accomplished things together. I try to keep on top of things and keep things maintained for him. We talked about what we would do when we retired, only a few years away, so my plan is to honor those plans. To move forward without him was not our choice - so living the best life I can - which is not so great - until we see each other again. Take care and keep praying. I will pray for you to find peace and comfort.
    Dee Kay likes this.
  6. tgotyall

    tgotyall Member

    Thanks JMD and Dee Kay for I also have been having thoughts of when do you , how to you begin to go through the clothes, all the pictures on the wall,we have a small reminder chalkboard on our kitchen ,it still reads ''I love you have a great day thanks for being my wife''do I erase that,her favorite hoodie still is on the chair when you walk into our house, two more are still on the bedpost,I can,t bring myself to put these away after 11 months.I did our normal Christmas traditions and New Years also and I believe that helped.I never knew that I could shed so many tears to where I stain my floor with them.To know others go through same emotions at least I know I am not going crazy.JMD like you, I got to retire and spend 3 months with my wife ,never to get to do all the things we talked about,all the years of working hard and to get no time with our spouse that what I have a hard time with ,good to you to honor those plans you guys had.This is hard stuff ,and I still can't believe what has happened ,but trying to keep the faith in this dark world ,so I pray for both of you ladies you guys are courageous and some how our hearts that were broken in a way we thought it never could will begin to heal .
  7. Dee Kay

    Dee Kay Member

    Hi tgotyall,

    I still have my husband's jacket on the kitchen chair. I had put his shoes in the living room beside his chair and his slippers beside the bed where they've stayed since. I did recently move the hoodie that was on the recliner and the shoes from the living room when I cleaned up for Christmas and had my niece over, I didn't want her to think her auntie had gone over the deep end. But I still have his urn and photos beside his recliner, the memorial. I think you will know when you're ready to move things or you're forced to move some things because of logistics. I had to move my husband's tools from a room we had been working in so I could get it finished. Broke my heart all over again and the tears and heavy sobs didn't stop the entire time I cleaned up that room. I put all the tools in a closet so they're still close by, I couldn't bear to get rid of them at all right now.

    And I have a confession of sorts to make that may make you think I'm a disgusting housekeeper but here goes: Today, after 8+ months I cleaned my microwave. I couldn't clean it before because my husband had spilled either tea or soup the last time he used it. I wanted that reminder of him around. And in my defense—so you all don't think the rest of my house looks like that—I rarely use the microwave myself so it could stay dirty. But today I felt I could clean it before something came crawling out of it.

    I have moved things around, mostly his tools that needed to be put away. I have not moved any of his clothes though. I really don't know when I'll be ready for that. I think it's a very individual thing as to when each of us feels ready. I had photos of him, another memorial of sorts on my kitchen table and I did move those to another part of the house because it felt ok and right to clear off the table.

    Our plan was to renovate the house—he did most of the work himself, so I'm seeing that through and it's a very bittersweet feeling. As I accomplish something there is satisfaction, no joy as there would have been if he was here doing it with me.

    I have to tell you, I'm still grappling with the fact that he's gone, still seems unreal or like a nightmare. And I wonder if I talk to him too much in my head and out loud but I don't know any other way to go through this.

    Take care and know there's no right or wrong way to do this, but it does help doesn't it—to know we all share some similar feelings
    Countess Joy, Mary0128 and JMD like this.
  8. tgotyall

    tgotyall Member

    My goodness after reading your reply it actually put a little smile on my face, all the things you are doing to honor your husband made me and many others know we surely do have common feelings.I commend you for be able to clean your microwave ,for you were able to inject some humor in it also.Like you guys we were renovating our house ,we had sold our home and moved into my parents home after they passed away ,my wife wanted to be closer to our grandkids.We had only been here for less than 2 years before she got the cancer.So I continue to work on the house but yes that she don't get to see it get done it is bittersweet, we had the kitchen all done except for the counter top ,she would always change her mind so for me to pick one out is very hard .The little things you share with your spouses create great memories and the great fear is you will forget or others will forget,we are afraid no one will remember our loved ones I think we learn to live with it but never forget.I still have a plastic red cup on the counter that says ''Mamaw'' when they were here a year ago ,can't throw it away,her shoes that she did yardwork are still on the patio,even a half drank icee still in the freezer that she never got to finish.I thought for sure she was going to come to me in a dream and haunt me or cuss me out for I was driving her car ,hit the curb and that little tree didn't know it could do that much damage now I know why She never let me drive her car.To you and all we sure do miss our spouses and the life we had together ,that painful loss of our loved one ,that question that I still yell out at the cemetery "WHY GOD'' No choice but to put one foot in front of the other ,hope to find peace in the pain,hope in our hurts and joy whenever possible.Be strong and very courageous to all and I also believe you are being heroic to others.
    Mary0128, Dee Kay and JMD like this.
  9. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    I have to chuckle a little bit at your post because I see myself in it. I lost my husband in July - we loved to grocery shop together, cook dinner and eat what we cooked. I just threw out the potatoes we bought that were on the counter - shriveled up, eyes and all....he would have told me to throw them out a long time ago. I am not letting anyone make that timeline for me. Such a range of emotions that goes with it - guilt, sadness, anxiety, fear - mostly that I will forget him, or that the memory triggered by that reminder will be gone. Or that the change in my life becomes more real as the presence of his belongings disappears. So....I am joining your club of disgusting housekeepers. Do what makes you feel best. Peace to you.
    Countess Joy and Dee Kay like this.
  10. RLB

    RLB New Member

    It has been 20 years since I lost my late husband suddenly. I grieved heavily for a few months of which I remember nothing and then I had to go back to work. I stayed busy. I grieved, but I did whatever I could to move forward. It is good to cry. I moved forward too quickly. I have had moments off and on the past 20 years. I quickly shove it behind me again. Tonight it hit me like a brick. I cried more than I have cried in many years. Maybe it's because my father has cancer and the thought of losing him is bringing it all back. Whatever the reason, I can't hold it together tonight. I am realizing pushing it back has not been the right thing to do. You need to grieve. You need to feel. Even though it hurts, it is necessary to heal.
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  11. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Well-Known Member

    It's hard to put things away/ pick things up/ clean messes, when you know it's the last time you will do it. It's like closure, it will only happen when you're ready. For me it's Jeff's winter jackets, he had several (one in each closet, LOL) It's been 3 years, on 1/28, and the jackets are still in the closets, one has his scarf hanging around the collar. I can't bring myself to move them, I'm still not ready, it is comforting seeing his jacket when I grab mine in the morning. It's not rational but to me it comforting.
    JMD likes this.
  12. Barry

    Barry Well-Known Member

    It's been14 months, a week and a half for me. Peg died suddenly from a brain aneurysm right in our home. We were together 25 years. I was in shock for a week. Going back to work was the best thing for me. My daughter came over and took Peg's clothes out of the house but that's about all I've been able to do. I'm not ready to get rid of things yet. One day I make plans of things I want to do, the next day I don't want to anymore. I'm still one step, one day at a time. I don't want to have regrets after things are gone.
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  13. tgotyall

    tgotyall Member

    I need to ask of all of you when the first year of the loss of your spouses was coming up mine will be in two weeks did your emotions start to flare up .I am fighting to hold it together as the anger and tears are more profound than the last few months ,this is just crap I tell you.I am glad to hear that it is hard to let the things that belonged to your spouses, be let go, good to no not alone in this.Even looking at the hand written notes that I find ,can't throw away.I do like when some of those things make me chuckle laughter is good for our hearts when we get to. Also it seems like the time has gone by quickly ,just not sure if that is a good thing .Take care continue to be strong and courageous.
    Barry and JMD like this.
  14. Barry

    Barry Well-Known Member

    The one year date was hard for me but not as hard as I expected. The anticipation was harder than the actual day. Afterwards I was proud of myself and relieved that I was finally passed the first year mark. Reflecting back on how horrible it was just one year ago I am happy with my progress. Don't try to get rid of things until you're sure you're ready. Once it's gone it's gone. My house is filled with things my sweet Peggy bought and put there. She made our house a home. I can't let them go and I can't sell the house either. I'm not ready. Maybe one day but I don't know when. I still have bad days and good days. On a bad day memories can make me cry but on good days they make me smile. Happily I have more good than bad now. Be proud that you are going to pass the one year mark soon. You've come a long way and it's hard as you know! Pray for a happy new life. Prayer is a true, good, and real thing. You are doing great!
    JMD likes this.
  15. Dee Kay

    Dee Kay Member

    I'm not at the one year mark yet but I can talk about letting things go. Yesterday I had a metal collector come and take some things that have been in my yard. It was really hard, these are things my husband put there but that are no use to me and do actually clutter the yard. There was a "spare" mower that he would have kept and stripped parts off if he needed any for the exact same newer model. There were brake rotors, don't honestly know why he kept those, metal bits of pipes he kept just in case he might need one for something someday. Those things I could more easily get rid of but what really got to me was a heavy duty chain. The metal collector found it near the mower, I told him he could have it. I know I will never use it, but my husband would have used it over and over again. I have memories of him using that chain for various purposes, but I let it go because he would have liked that I gave it to the metal collector, someone who could use it either for himself or to make a bit of money on. After the metal guy left I sat in my husband's chair, talked to his photo and told him how hard this was. I cried another thousand tears. Within minutes I heard a cardinal and looked out the window, there was the male cardinal, bright red at my bird feeder. All winter I have been buying bird feeders and bird food, moving the bird feeders around the yard to get the cardinal to come. No luck until yesterday morning, it made me so happy. And yes, I'm one of those people that sees signs, so to me it was a message from my husband, letting me know he was there with me and that he knows how hard this is. The point I think I'm trying to make is you will know when it's time to let things go and even then, it will not be easy but I do agree with Barry that once you let them go, they will be gone.
    JMD likes this.