Did this really happen

Hi everyone, this is my first post on here. I can relate to so many of you that have anger about how your spouse died. My husband had surgery and he had a tumor on his spine. Went through a long six level fusion on his spine, but before the surgery they gave him contrast four different times in one day where he had diabetic kidney damage and he should never have had the contrast! So, that put 100 pounds of extra fluid on him, mostly in his legs were he couldn’t get up and move. And then he wound up getting decubitus ulcer‘s on his back side and scrotum due to not being turned often enough and not being kept clean from stool being there under him. He started having chills for two days and I kept telling people I thought he was getting sick because he had been given chemo and had no white blood cells. But the nurses just brushed me off. On the third day he had a fever and I told the nurse and she said no we’re not worried about him. Then on the fourth day, he crashed in the evening and they rushed him to ICU and he spent the next 48 hours dying a horrific horrible death, one of the worst things I’ve ever seen in my 46 years in the nursing profession. According to the autopsy that I asked for, he had an ulcerated necrotic perforated scrotum that had bacterial overgrowth on it. He had two positive blood cultures, two positive urine cultures, a positive wound culture from his scrotum, and a positive respiratory culture. I don’t think I’ve ever seen six positive cultures on one person either. So their neglect killed him. And that was just one part of the terrible one month hospital stay where he got the worst care I had ever seen. I would’ve never taken care of patients or their families the way he and I were treated and the things that happened to him. I was a palled and ashamed of the company that I worked for, that this kind of thing went on that I was seeing every day. It was shocking! I had just finished my doctorate in nursing back in May, which I would never have made it through without his help by the way. So i is not like I do not know what the nursing profession should be like. I tried so hard to keep him safe and I was with him every day for 28 days in the hospital. The other bad part is it happens to be where I work. There is an adult side and I work on the Children’s Hospital side but is still one organization. So how do you be angry at the place you work for? The place who you believe killed your husband. I knew that the care that he got was not what should’ve been given. I too am grief stricken, just miserable and sad, as I miss him more than I can say.

 

HUGS and welcome and so sorry for your loss. It is a long hard journey when we lose our spouse, our best friend, our love and our future. It is a year for me and I am doing better so time does help. I will never "get over" losing him but it does get softer. I can remember him and smile now.

It is hell when you know what went wrong...I too am a RN. Your experience was horrible and like you say you have to walk that impossible line between anger and keeping your job. I know we nurses have a reputation of "eating our young" or criticizing rather than mentoring newer nurses BUT there is no way we would have neglected a patient as seems to be the way these days. I was taught to assess the whole patient from head to toe, that cleanliness and comfort where a huge part of healing, to listen to the patient and close family as they know their norms the best. My husband went into heart failure after a 14 hour surgery ... I told the nurses and then the doctors ... they said no failure, that i wasn't used to how people breath with a trach. I explained I had work ICU for years and that I could tell the difference. One doc took me aside and ask if I'd like to see a psychiatrist !!! He struggled horribly for 10 hours until finally to "shut me up" the nurses called the resident who "to satisfy me" called in cardiology. Finally the failure was treated. Just one of the many struggles during his 23 days in hospital. It seems they only read one single problem and focus on that with no consideration for the whole person. I stayed with him day and night after that and care was horrible. Finally I resorted to having a notebook and whenever anyone came in the room I wrote down names and made a show of taking notes....then care improved. He came home after that surgery and we got to have another 15 months together.

Good for you getting your doctorate!! You will teach good, complete care I know.

 

I am so terribly sad for those among us who had to go through the challenges of hospitalizations for your loved ones. My husband refused to go to the hospital when he began feeling poorly. He said if he went to the hospital during this pandemic and anything happened, he would be alone and he didn't want that. So he died in our bed with me by his side. I felt guilty that I didn't make him go to the hospital and maybe they could have saved him. Maybe, maybe, maybe. The one thing we all share, no matter the circumstances, is that we lost a huge part of ourselves when our spouses passed away.
Being a nurse makes dealing with this, in my opinion, 10 times harder. We know what we want done, we know how we believe it should be done and we know what outcomes we want. I wish it always worked that way. I have had to accept that sometimes the outcome is out of human hand. I know that doesn't bring anyone comfort but it is the way I've had to cope with some of the losses I've experienced. I teach mental health to nursing students and I remind them every lecture, " that patient or family could be me or mine. Am I dealing with this in a healthy way?"

I am sorry for the loss of your husband(s) and pray for some measure of peace and comfort for you.

 

Thank you ainie I appreciate your post. It is helpful to hear others are just as concerned about this sort of thing as I am! Just one day at a time, I guess.

 

Well I think I replied to ainie the wrong way. Not sure, just trying to figure this forum out. And I am sorry for your loss ainie that I did not say in my reply above to you. And also to you LouiseP57. I can only imagine how you must’ve wondered if things might’ve been different if you had talked him into going to the hospital. I wondered that too about Mark, if there had been anything that I could’ve done different that would’ve changed his day and time of death. As a Christian now for 43 years, I have always believed that the Bible says that all our days are numbered from the time we were born to the time we are meant to die. But I have had a hard time wrapping my mind around this being God’s will for his life that he died that way. But if truth be known that was probably meant to be the day and there wouldn’t have been anything that would change that. Perhaps that is how it was to be with your husband too, but even believing that does not at all take away any of the anguish and wondering about all the maybe’s. I cannot help but feel that I did not do enough, that I should’ve been more persistent with the staff and following everything more closely than I already did. I was there 28 days straight every day after working, driving 30 minutes from one town to where he was in another town, staying till 11 or 12 o’clock at night and coming home. At 65 that was pretty exhausting, and I hated that drive anyway. But he was worth it to be up there every day with him and I am glad that because I worked there I was able to get in but not until eight days after he was admitted when I finally wrote the chief nursing officer in asking about why the doctor had not heard anything about letting me come in. She told me I should’ve been in there from the very beginning and to just go up there. If I would have been there before they did the CT scans of the abdomen, chest and pelvis, along with putting in an inferior vena cava basket for blood clots which involved getting four doses of bad contrast all in one day, that he ne Er should have been given, I would’ve said no to all that, well at least OK the IVC filter alone but not those other CT scans at the same time they gave them the other bad contrast to put in that filter, why did not anybody think about that? That caused him to go into acute renal failure, put on all that fluid, needing dialysis. It was all a nightmare. I can’t even hardly talk about all the horrible stuff that happened to him in ICU. I am getting counseling with a wonderful Christian counselor I have seen 3 times now and she has been great but I remain depressed and sad. At least I see that is the norm for such losses. I will be glad when I might get to a time that I could smile about him. Thank you both for your replies. I truly appreciate them!!

 

I understand about your feelings. My husband kept some health issues from me. Guilt? I would have done anything if I suspected or knew. But let all the greif out and go forward. My thoughts are with you.

 

Hi Arthur, I'm sorry about your loss.
As far as being mad,"It's like the emt's were laid back"

For me, The first ambulance crew came in with 5-6 men and all their equipment. Our foyer is the size of a small closet and that's where my husband, Ed, was laying. They were softly laughing and crap, maybe being trained, because one of them called another one by name and said something like it's your turn. I felt like they were union construction workers standing around getting a tan in the afternoon sun. I couldn't believe what I was seeing and hearing. The main guy that was assisting my husband clearly needed help moving him. When I saw no one moving to help I busted through their line and I said I'll help. They had to set me back behind their wall. Telling me no no he's in good hands. Well he needed more good hands. To them they were at work, I get it, but that's some contrasting realities.

Then at the hospital, I was actually kicked out of the ER waiting room because I wasn't a patient there. I had to wait outside. Banished from the ER waiting room left to be outside peering in through the windows like a hungry orphan in front of a restaurant. Some of the other patients turned and saw me looking in the windows. Quite embarrassing and frustrating. I think it's because of the pandemic and needing to social distance. I'm not sure, though. Eventually the guards verified what was happening and they had empathy and sympathy. The guard that kicked me out apologized. I understood, she was doing her job. They escorted me back into the ER and actually beyond the waiting room into a more secluded room. Then I knew, that everybody knew, things were not very bright. He never woke up or spoke at the hospital that night/early morning. I miss him tremendously. Arthur, I pray you get over your anger and joy and peace rest within you.

 

My deepest heartfelt condolences to everyone. All of these horrific stories about your loved ones' health care is maddening ,saddening and scary. Thank you all for sharing, though. All these posts and reading everybody's stories helps me a lot. Thank you.

 

Hi LM1031, my sympathies and condolences for the loss of your husband. I pray for joy and peace to rest within you.

 

I am so sorry for your loss and know your husband was your everything as my wife was to me. You are right you are not alone. I 7 months later still say I can't believe...can believe this happened can't believe she is gone. I hope you can take some comfort from people on here and glad you have good support. Take care, prayers go out to you. God bless