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Days seem so long...

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by glego, Jan 7, 2020.

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  1. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    It's still all very recent, the love of my life passed December 11th., my world centered around our world. I was also his caretaker, I called it caretaker lite, he was able to do most things on his own. Due to a stroke in '15 he had some memory issues so I did all the meds, appointments, etc. I also tried to get us eating healthier, didn't always succeed at that. Now, I just can't seem to get going, if I didn't have to wake up to feed and let the dog out I'd stay in bed. I can't wait for the day to end to go back to bed and hope for sleep, the other day it was only 7:30p.m., some say get a job, or volunteer. It sounds good, but right now the thought of a commitment to anything is exhausting. I don't know how to get moving again.
     
  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member


    My heart breaks for you! Everything you write, is exactly what I’ve felt and am still feeling. It’s awful! I have that same thing happening, if the dog didn’t need to go out and be fed I’d stay in bed too. I had to retire because Ron and I owned and operated our own business, I can’t run it myself, I had to empty our shop of all the things we we accumulated after 40 years of business. That was heart wrenching. First lost my soul mate then lost our business. I feel I have no purpose any more. I can’t get a job, I suffer with bad rheumatoid arthritis, there are days I can barely move. I do miss going to work though. The routine or schedule of it.
    The days do seem so long and I have a ton of things I could be being, I lack the desire to do them. It took me 3 days to get myself to sit down and pay my property tax bill. That’s Ron’s job, I want him to pay it like always. But when I do keep busy that’s when I feel the best, it’s not great but the day doesn’t feel like a million hours long. I have trouble sleeping so I tend to stay up very late, I sit with my dachshund on my lap. He’s happy that I’m with him and I like his company. My dog has been missing his Dad. He doesn’t understand. He sniffs Ron’s belongings, there’s a pair of shoes I haven’t moved since Ron took them off. Ted, my dog, sniffs them all the time. He’s acted differently. He doesnt understand where “Dad” went. Is your dog having trouble as well?
    Give yourself time, don’t push yourself. Do what you can and nothing else. My daughter and I made lists, all we hoped for was one thing off the list a day. Many days that didn’t happen. Today was a rough day for me, I did next to nothing. There’s no motivation. The person we love and lived for is gone, so why bother is how I felt today. But then I hear Ron in my head pushing me to be ok. He’d be upset I’m having such a rough time. And I bet your husband would be too.
    One day at a time, or one hour, one minute. Get through that then try for the next.
    Thinking of you! Take care!
     
  3. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    RLC, thank you for sharing. My husband too just retired from his business and I have some things to pick up there, you can say we lost the business too, he just didn't have the energy to keep up with it and business fell off. The landlord found another tenant to take our place. I'm not grieving that loss as I wasn't too involved in it. I was happy he was wrapping it up and would have been home to garden and possibly do some road trips like we used to do before life got busy and we stopped doing these things. Working exhausted him, so that and doing anything else was too much. In hindsight, maybe if we closed up a year or two earlier he'd still be here. However, at the time doing familiar work was good for his brain it tapped into old memory and he was most himself. The dog seems to be doing better, he senses my stress, they all do. Not really looking for him since he had several long hospitalizations, my guess is he thinks dad will be home soon. My husband was a dad only to the dog we have no kids. I guess I'm guilty of trying to push since the heartache is too much at times. I'm trying to wrap things up with his business but some days if I get a couple of calls in it's all I can do. I have my own business, but it's slow now and I can work from home. If I hear one more time, "you have to live your life" I will scream, it was always our life. I sit here in our house, look around at our kitchen stuff, etc. We used to cook together before his illness, today is the first day I made dinner for myself. Up to now it's been oatmeal or an egg for breakfast, and maybe dinner. I'm sorry you had a rough day today, I can relate. I always told him that I wanted to be the one to go first, and certainly if I wasn't I wanted him to have some more time, mid 50s is too soon. Just angry at him not having his time. I cry for my loneliness but also for what I wanted him to have. He had the stroke years ago and was 90% himself although I know he was frustrated at not being himself, he then also had CHF and lung disease. I knew his lungs were bad and we were going to see about a double transplant. I didn't find out till now how bad, they told me in the end it was his lungs that made his heart failure worse. I wish the doctors would have said more, I blame myself for not asking more questions, perhaps a transplant a year or two sooner he'd be here? Hindsight is 20/20. The whole thing sucks, remember you're not alone. I keep thinking of all the years together, the only way I wouldn't be feeling this pain is that if he wasn't in my life, and I wouldn't have missed that. Thinking of you too.
     
  4. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    I’m sorry but there are no words to express how much I feel your loss. Nobody can verbalize the intense pain that you are experiencing right now. I’m not going to try. Just know that the fellow sufferers on this site all understand and want to help.
    I wasn’t prepared for the horrible pain that my wife’s death brought to
    my life. Like your husband, to you, my Janet is my best friend, my wife, and the love of my life. Nothing can prepare a person for such a loss
    One thing, don’t let anyone impose a time-line for your Grief. Everybody is different and will face this challenge in their own way. The members of this group are all willing (and eager to help you). Just don’t be afraid to ask.
    We all care.

    Bill
     
  5. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Bill,
    Thank you for your kind words, I'm sorry that you have to to carry the loss of your wife Janet. Your words ring true, we all need to support each other. It's reassuring to know that these are normal feelings and we need to go through this journey. In a perfect world we'd all live a long and healthy life and face the finality together.
     
  6. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    I’ll opt for a perfect world.
     
  7. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    If only as they say.
     
  8. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    I hope you can get a good nights sleep. and face tomorrow with renewed strength.
    Bless you.

    Bill
     
  9. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Wishing you the same, yes, sleep has been a stranger. Luckily I don't have to be anywhere tomorrow. Blessings to you and everyone that finds themselves here.

    G.
     
  10. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    glego, I feel the business adds so much stress to what we’re going through. For me it was a huge loss I worked side by side with Ron, for 40 years. Even though you weren’t that involved your husbands business, it’s still a load you have to deal with whatever it might be. It’s added “stuff” you don’t need.
    Get on with your life! Are you kidding me!? All I can say is WOW! And that’s cruel. I’ve had a lot of cruel things said to me, I think really? You have the nerve to say that. A cousin asked how I was doing, I said I’m trying to manage but it’s so difficult, I’m living day to day. Her reply was, really, still? Wow!
    Hindsight is 20/20, I’ve been there too. I have guilt but not sure why. I had no clue he had any heart problems at all, he thought he was healthy. Everyone thought so. But we still question and have the what if’s. I believe it’s normal. Try not to dwell on it though. I feel he was cut short of a long life and not being able to just be, no work. I know that’s how you feel too.
    I agree, the only way we’d have less pain is if our marriages weren’t so wonderful or if we weren’t together at all. I can’t even think of that.
    It’s super late I’m going to try and get some sleep, had some things happen this evening causing me stress so it’s hard to relax. Hard every day actually.
    Take care
     
  11. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    RLC, I can see the business being a huge loss to you along with the loss of your husband, not only the income but the routine. Your routine is disrupted, so when you can't continue that it's double the loss, the loss of that connection. My marriage too was wonderful, sure we had our ups/downs like everyone, but nothing like I've heard of others having. Some of us get real lucky and get blessed, my husband was my biggest cheerleader always in everything I did, and always wanted to see me happy. He was truly selfless, would go without to make it easier for others. Growing up he skipped getting braces because he knew it would be an extra financial burden for his parents. He never put himself first. And during his hospital stays he always had a sense of humor and kept the nurses laughing.
    Today someone is supposed to pickup his couch that I sold, it hurts to sit across and look at it, I expect him to be napping on it. It's odd, that bothers me while other stuff does not. I did go out and select another one the other day it won't be here for weeks which is good, I think the delay helps me process.
    I'll check back later, let me know how your day goes. G.
     
  12. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    glego, your marriage sounds wonderful. Like a fairy tale, just like Ron and I had. But sadly we had fairy tale marriages with such a sad ending. I’m proud of you being able sell the couch, I still to this day have a hard time moving some of Ron’s things. For whatever reason I feel a closeness that his belt is hanging where he left it. He put it there, and other things too. But I wear some of his hoodies and jackets.
    I totally miss my/our routine. I can’t even drive by our shop, too upsetting. We built our business together and we were successful, it’s like losing a child. and my husband/business partner at the same time. Going to bed is torture, I’m not sleeping and I miss him so much. Nothing is the same.
    Last night I had some things happen and I just needed my Ron, he always took care of me and things, I desperately needed him. Not a good evening.
    Today my sister in law came over and we ended up going out and doing a little shopping. It was good for me to get out and got my mind off things for a little while. Sitting with Ted(my dachshund) now, don’t feel like doing anything so I’m sitting. Let me know how you’re doing today and how your day goes.
    Isn’t it something how sharing our stories knowing others are experiencing the same, no one cares, silence, loneliness, guilt etc makes us feel like, ok we’re not alone I’m not crazy, other people are going through this too.
    I’ll check back.
    Robin.
     
  13. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Hi Robin, had help with the couch a friend of mine did most of the work, she posted it and fielded the inquiries. Even came over with her boyfriend to move it out my front door so strangers didn't have to come in. I split the sale with them, they deserved it and half is better than me paying for someone to pick it up. We had twin couches facing each other so we could each lay around and watch TV through those cold winter nights. The other is on order then I get rid of mine. Truth is they were old and going to be replaced anyhow, so that made it easier. I think now the dog senses permanent change, he would lay on the floor in front of the couch and partially on my husband's blanket. Every so often he'd complain, "smells like dog" so when he was in the hospital I washed everything and told him it's all set to go on your couch nice and clean, no dog smell, he smiled and laughed about it. We definately expected him to bounce back and come home. Everything is up in the air.
    We're in Chicago and the boat show is coming up, we had a boat or he did when we got married. We've gone to the boat show, and he wanted to get a catamaran as a retirement thing to do some trips, wonderful dream. When his health started to fail, I told him maybe a little something that isn't so intensive, we're both getting older, too much work.
    You're right, going to bed is torture, so is waking up. Getting ready is hard, some days I don't bother. Today I had to, and tomorrow I'm meeting a friend to see the Andy Warhol exhibit. I'm glad you got out today, it does help, but some days it also helps to stay home and process. I've been watching you tube videos on grieving, there was one that talks about this thing called "Widow Camp" they have ones that are a whole weekend, and others that are a pop up, one day. The one day sounds interesting in Denver, it's in September. I may need some more support then, it would have been our 30th anniversary. We were going to do a cruise, we put off two scheduled ones due to illness. I had them scheduled but he was anxious about it, and I didn't want to force him
    My dog stays close, but S as we call him for Stanley is a little over 100lbs and he's welcomed on the couch but never has been a couch dog. He's a rescue, my husband picked him out online just days after we had to let our 14yo lab go. I remember saying it's just to soon, and being mad, I also remember my husband saying, I can't be without a dog in the house just too lonely without a dog in the house. I laugh thinking, man you have no idea what lonely really is. Yes, we're all going through the same stuff and it's comforting to know that you're not losing your mind and not crazy, and people all around us say stupid stuff. Same here, have not been able to drive by the shop, even though not involved I would do some of the paperwork and before me his dad worked with him, he cherished those times with him. I have to go next week there are a few of my things there, along with his dad's jacket that was kept there in honor after his passing, I will bring that home and put it on the hook here beside his son's. My friend's call me G.
     
  14. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    G, I am so happy that you have such a good friend to help you with the couch. I love that. I was worried you were going through this alone. And that I can’t even imagine. Twin couches! Love that too! Our journeys have been very different. My heart breaks for you having to watch your husband fight through so much pain and for so long. I do love your couches. So loving and caring. My journey was so fast it makes your head spin. Had a completely normal day, purchased everything for our Thanksgiving feast did yard work and visited my daughter. We were watching tv together happily relaxing then he didn’t feel well at 9:30, by 11:30 I lost my husband! Totally different stories, yet the same heart wrenching loss.
    We were planning on going on a cruise as well and I saw on his phone he was researching for a cruise for our 42nd anniversary. You and your husband were planning on getting a boat, Ron wanted us to get a camper and travel and bring Ted. Ron’s dad also worked for us for a while. It took me about 2 months to empty our shop. Lot of crying along the way. Such a nice way to honor your father in law by keeping his jacket there. And how sad to bring it home and place by your husbands jacket. So touching. It’s all devastating. How can all this be really happening. We had the best marriages and our soul mates were taken from us way too soon. They deserved to live happy long lives. And we each deserve to have them in our lives.
    Here’s a little tidbit of info, I chose RLC as my name, to honor my husband. We had the same initials.
    Think I’ll try to get some rest, barely slept at all last night. Hope you have a good night.
    Robin
     
  15. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Good morning Robin, I hope you managed to get some sleep. I've started taking a valerian root supplement to help relax and sleep. I was given a small script for Xanax and after reading the side effects and that there's a chance of possible addiction I put it to the side. Seems to me you can end up with the same problem coming back and a new one.
    There was nothing you could have done, the suddenness of it, I'm sure you were shocked how could you not be. I also was shocked, I think that surprises people that we know After all it was I think his fourth major stay (over a week) where he was intubated because of his lung function and fluid build up. A horrible catch 22 one med was good to help one thing but hurt the other and back around again. Through all this he was the comeback kid, so yes I expected him back home. I thought here we are again, we have to get through this get home and work better on this and now they see that he needs this a heart/lung transplant. In the weeks before he said I need a new heart, and I responded let's get that process started. So he wanted to live and was always in there with the good fight. So I was shocked as well. A few weeks before he coded at another hospital, they got him back, I had him transferred after that for the transplant evaluation. And yes, still shocked because I have a friend that coded a few years back and she's up and around years later working, etc. But she didn't have the lung issues my husband had. Again, guilt and hindsight didn't see this coming. A couple of nights before I lost my phone late afternoon, went to Apple to get a replacement it was late got there just before closing. Should've went back to the hospital after. But when I called him we decided it's late just go home, little did either of us know that we has so little time left. But I guess, we all never know when.
    My parents had the same initials, I remember when that dawned on me I was looking at the mailbox tag and thought that's cool. I thought maybe I'll marry a guy with the same initials? The thoughts of a little girl, how I wish I could go back to that time because then maybe I could have all that time back with my husband again. Crazy what if's run through my head.
    Try to have a good day, check back with you later G.
     
  16. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member


    Hi G, I actually did get some sleep last night, thankfully. But it made my RA in my hands hurt pretty bad. Can’t win. If I was going to work I doubt I’d be in this pain. Work was great therapy for my arthritis. I’ll have to look into valerian root, thanks for sharing.
    There’s no doubt in my mind that your husband wanted to live and he fought to live, he didn’t want to leave you I’m confident of that. And he had plenty of life he wanted to live. What gets thrown our way is so painful, and we’re not up to it. I understand your thinking on going to the Apple store and deciding to head home. But you had no idea what was in store. You both were thinking positive, that he’ll be ok and will be coming home. At least you 2 decided together that you should head home. But the guilt we each have doesn’t think things through, we just have guilt. My husband had been rolled out to the driveway and was waiting to be rolled into the ambulance. He yelled very loud, I love you Robin, I love you Robin, at least 5 times! It was the sweetest thing. But I didn’t answer him. That kills me! I did go over to him and rub his arm and tell him I’m here and I’ll be going to the hospital with Stacey ( our daughter) he acknowledged me. But shortly after he got noticibly worse, to this day I feel he wasn’t treated right by the ambulance crew. I feel lucky he yelled that but guilt that I didn’t answer.
    I do believe I went into shock, when the doctor came to tell e and my daughter that Ron passed, I slumped in the chair and cried silently. My daughter screamed no no no! I can still feel that feeling, it’s awful.
    That’s something that your parents had the same initials, it’s rare. Ron and I loved Having the same initials.
    Hope your day is going ok.
     
  17. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Robin, I'm sure he knows you love him, (I refuse to use the past tense) you can't erase all those years with that single incident, you just can't. We both wouldn't have had what we did if they didn't feel and know our love for them. I don't know much about RA, had a coworker whose wife that has it, they moved to Arizona after a vacation there, he said that most all her symptoms were gone out there.
    You did just as I did go into shock, even as I was there holding his hand I still drove home thinking that the next day I'd be back in his room sitting with him keeping him company. It's understandable to carry on for the moment that the worst thing in your life didn't just happen. As I was out with a friend of mine tonight, I kept saying, "I still can't believe he's gone" over and over. Talk tomorrow, I hope you feel better and get some rest.
     
  18. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Thank you G, I know you’re right and I know on my own that what we had together was more then having to say I love you, it goes without saying. But I still have that guilt and it wears heavy on me. There are days I think what is wrong with me for not answering him, but I was so sure he was going to come home. I was thinking he’d have surgery have a stint put in and he’d be back home. After all he was healthy, he’s having a heart attack but everyone else I knew who had a heart attack they had surgery and had to change their lives but still had a great life.
    Isn’t it crazy how, like you mention holding his hand and driving home expecting to go back and be with him tomorrow. I think our minds do t want to believe what just happened and we can’t wrap our mind around it.
    Ron and I had discussed taking a vacation to Arizona and see if it made me feel better. He was willing to move if it meant I’d feel better. He’d do anything for me.
    I’ve done that too, I can’t believe he’s gone over and over. How can this be real?
    Thank you for caring, I’m glad you getting out. It’s 1:00 AM I should try to get some rest. Talk tomorrow.
     
  19. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    I hope for both of us we can let go of that guilt, you had no way of knowing. Just as my brother inlaw is a doctor and also had two doctor friends tell me that I couldn't have done more, and he was very ill. I kept saying, maybe I should've pressed more on diet, maybe I should've taken him seriously when he said he wanted to go vegan, he always said that cures heart disease. I brushed it away saying we failed at being vegetarian and this is more restrictive. His brother brought up that this wasn't the issue with his heart, he had a cath in 2015 no blockages, not one stent. It was a different issue, genetic, his dad had the same problem. What his dad didn't have was the lung issue. I was told his lungs being stiff made his heart work so much harder, perhaps if the lungs weren't involved he could have made it to his early 70s like his dad. Still young, but at least he'd have some years to garden, fish and more importantly as he said some road trips and time for us together. He hated to fly, we bought a diesel RV some years ago and thought of taking it on the road. The thing is a beast I'd have to learn to drive it, since after the stroke driving was stressful for him. We have to be careful with our plans, good to plan but while we're still here we have to remember to honor them by trying to live. The concept of being happy escapes me now
    I'm sure Ron would've moved, I was willing to do the same. I think you can be happy anywhere if you're with the one you love. It's going to be a month at 2a.m., still feels like yesterday. It also feels like I should be planning on his coming home. I hope you got some sleep, or can get a nap in. TTYL.