Coping with anger and betrayal after death of spouse

I'm new here. This is my first post. My husband had triple bypass 4 years ago and was never the same afterwards. He started lying and making up stories, was depressed, had no initiative, broke promises, procrastinated, while at the same time was gentle, loving and kind. He self-harmed early this year and was hospitalized for 8 days. We hoped he would have bounced back, but he was still depressed and continued with his lies - lies about so many things, including faked doctor visits, faked calls about home issues that needed tending, but which never occurred. There were many arguments, I tried to strike a balance between not enabling but trying to understand, but I was met with silence, and never knew if he might be experiencing some form of dementia. And of course, he went to the doctor when I insisted. He had been to his GP several weeks prior to suddenly dying of cardiac arrest. Naturally, grief for someone you actually loved in spite of all of this, is compounded and confused by anger because of the lies. The consequences of the lies, cleaning up the mess after his death fell to me, alone. My adult children don't want to accept that he lied, are confused by it, confused by his attempt at self-harm. We are at an impasse in trying to help each other answer the question, "Why?" and to be able to accept what was.

 

Hi wintertime-so sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you feel. My husband started being so totally different to me and was someone else when others were around. Made me wonder about what was going thru he head at times. Yes, he started to have dementia too. Mostly it was the personality change toward me. I understand the pain you are going thru, my husband didn't start lying but always lied, it was his second nature to lie. Even if the truth was alright, he would still lie to my face. Glad you are here. I know the first thing I had to work thru was all of my anger towards him and all that he had done. I too am the only one cleaning up his messes he left. My daughter kept saying I shouldn't be mad at him but she doesn't know what went on here, she wasn't here to see it. So I was mad and it took me awhile to process it and I try not to think about why he did it because basically, I really don't know why he did it and it is not going to drive me crazy. Hope you stay with us. Get your kids on here too as they need the help too. I wish my son would. I wish you strength because you will need to draw on it, all you have to make it thru this, it is so hard the first months. I wish you peace of mind, when it comes along.

 

Oh, my goodness, Rose. I couldn't imagine that ANYONE could possibly be experiencing the same thing. Thank you for helping me feel so not alone. You have chosen to not allow the unanswered questions to make you crazy. Good for you. That's my plan too, if I can get to that point. What you said about your daughter not being there, not seeing it, not experiencing it - I could have written those words myself. Mine don't understand either. Instead of being at odds with one another, I had hoped we could help each other heal. My elder daughter has chosen to go "off topic" and to start to criticize me for things totally unrelated to her father's behavior because I know she needs a scapegoat, someone to blame rather than accept what WAS. She keeps trying to find reasons for his behavior, or should I say "excuses" instead? So I suppose I am a convenient target. I've told her that I won't discuss her Dad with her any longer because we are both coming at this from a different perspective, as well as experiencing the pain in a different way, and as long as she continues to say hurtful things, discussion just gets more complicated. We can't continue to speculate on his behavior and try to blame someone other than him. We aren't responsible for another person's choices. He chose to withdraw from responsibility and he was given an opportunity when hospitalized to learn how to make other choices, but didn't. THANK YOU!!

 

Thanks for responding. I was beginning to think no one else here had these problems. Yes I did work thru the anger but I had the right to be angry with him, I was married to him and we were still living together, I wasn't turning into a door mat for him to walk all over. My daughter had fits I would be angry. My anger, my problem. My reasoning mind finally figured it out and it stopped. Then you move on to the next grief issue, not that it doesn't come back to visit.

 

Yes, Rose. Life will sneak little reminders (triggers) of things that raise the anger issue again. Hopefully, not as debilitating as previously. And yes, you had a right to feel angry. No one should try to put words in your mouth or feelings inside you that aren't yours. I believe it's often projection, something they aren't admitting to themselves. Be well, be strong, move on happily and hopefully. Thank you again.

 

I can see you are doing better already. You are talking and reaching out to others. Small steps.

 

Which is very difficult during Covid. I message with my closest friends, but we've been unable to meet in person for hugs and comfort. Thank goodness for technology. I've also been doing research online and am finding affirmation here and there. Perhaps, this may sound odd, but I may actually be better prepared to heal than my daughters are in spite of having taken the brunt of it all. I feel I'm more open to accepting the fact that wrongs were done than they are. They're approaching their grief from the perspective of Daddy being their hero, while I am more realistic about it since I lived it and there was no hiding from it day-by-day. I'm not by nature a denier. I tend to face things and he didn't, nor do my daughters...yet. Denial and co-dependency behaviors aren't healthy. Each of us discovers this truth at our own pace. I believe I need to give both of them some emotional space right now. They're not ready, and the elder is too inclined to be negative towards me, which I don't need.

 

I try not to be to hard on myself and I know the negative thoughts are of my own making. My question is, how do you love yourself more at a time when you don't feel loved at all? I sit here and cry and wonder how do I stop this round?

 

Cultivate distractions I think. I am lucky to have some internet distractions, as well as professional ones that I've hung onto after semi-retirement. Me too. Even though I have though, I have moments of feeling guilty for feeling angry. I don't think that forgiveness necessarily erases the anger completely, and it certainly doesn't erase memories. I'm trying to remember that none of us is perfect. We are all imperfect humans, some so lacking in self-awareness and lacking in common sense. I guess I'm trying to be charitable and less judgmental through the rearview mirror. It sneaks up on us though, doesn't it! I'm just trying to keep busy and productive and continue doing the things I enjoy most. Maybe anger can help the healing process more than having a totally broken heart? I don't know. Everyone's different. My moments waver back and forth.....but they certainly aren't as intense as they were earlier.

 

Hi Ladies, I am going to jump into your discussion here because I am looking for folks who might understand some things I'm feeling. He was an alcoholic for our entire 32 year marriage. He had good months & years and bad ones. I stuck it out for so long because I always had hope that he was trying and could get better. Well he didn't. In Sept of 2020 I told him I could not live with him as a married couple and I asked him to leave. 2 months later he was dead from a catastrophic head injury that he got when he wreck his truck while driving intoxicated. Thank God he was alone and no one else was involved. There were times over those 30 years when I wondered what it would be like if "something" happened and God took him. Well when he had his accident that became a reality and I was and continue to be relived that my struggle (and his for that matter) is over. But with that relief comes guilt over feeling relieved. I feel like I have a whole new life ahead of me. But I am fully grieving my life partner and grieving what could have been and wasn't. We have 2 amazing adult children. My daughter saw what was happening in the last year so she shares some of these feelings, but also he was her Daddy and he was a good daddy. So...I am learning to accept my feelings as appropriate but it is still a struggle to not feel like an absolute a-hole for feeling that way. Thanks for listening and hope we can chat a little.

 

You, dear lady, are an angel.......

 

Thank you...I was not perfect by any stretch but I'm only now allowing myself to realize how difficult it was.

 

Hello Rose. I am new here, and have not posted "my story" yet. I do understand your feelings of betrayal. I have some similarities in my story. My husband of 37 years died 2.5 years ago, and I am still processing due to "Complicated Grief". My husband and I did not have a perfect marriage, but I thought it was pretty darn good. I knew of very close "friendships" with young women that he mentored. I never approved and was very frustrated with it. He never understood the concept of "emotional infidelity". We saw a marriage counselor, etc. Basically, my late husband (who I loved until the very end and still do) was sneaky and a master of deception and manipulation. However, I continue to believe that he ever actually physically cheated on me.

At least a year after he died I stumbled upon some old, deeply disturbing emails that he kept for some stupid reason?! He was definitely OCD and had some other psychological issues to be sure (many of us do!). He was definitely flirting with a young woman who he was mentoring, and worst of all ....... he made very callous, hurtful and untrue comments about me. He was supposed to be MY best friend and MY confidante. Instead he was unloading on her about how sad and lonely his life was (which, incidentally was a fabrication). The emails that he saved showed that this went on for months. To her credit the young woman he was unloading on and made flirtatious comments to never responded in kind and never encouraged his behavior.

The discovery of these emails was devastating to me & set me way back in my recovery from grief. I can't help but wonder would my grief been better if I thought my husband was perfect man? At least I would have that....... Or is it better to know he was deeply flawed and that he had betrayed me much more than I ever knew at the time. Complicated grief - oh, how I hate this. Like any grief is easy .......!?

Thank you for posting Rose. It is good to know that I am not alone in processing much more than death & physical loss.

 

Tish and Loki, glad you are here. I was starting to think that Wintertime and I were the only ones with a different grief story. It has been 6 months and the pain from the grief upon grief is numbing. I am doing better but the hard part now is that the words are still out there and I can still hear them in my head. I have forgiven but the hard part is the forgetting, as I said, the words are still out there floating around. I would give anything to stop them or better yet to never to have heard them in the first place. Like you Loki, it was a surprise to learn how he really felt about me after 47 yrs of coping with his problems which he never wanted to confront and deal with. It was always, you deal with it, it doesn't bother me. Now it really doesn't bother him but I am still the one dealing with it all. Hope you are doing okay. Feel free to talk to me. I am not on here as often but I do follow it. Let me know how you are doing. You too, Tish. Good to know there is someone to talk to.