I lost my mother rather unexpectedly in May 2017 when I was 34. She was 50. She was battling yet another round of ovarian cancer. I think subconsciously I chose the child side of my brain to assess things instead of the nursing side of my brain. In my mind my momma wasn't THAT sick and that all the problems were just the side effects of medications. I think my denial started most of my issues. I guess it is possible that a piece of me was already grieving even when she was alive. I learned cancer is one of the most fearful words there can be. Every day you fight along side of the affected but sometimes you still wonder how long. My world came crashing down when my momma died. I found myself being pissed off when people would calmly tell me maybe I should talk to someone or that I wasn't letting myself grieve or that I can't keep blaming myself for not being there when she died, not visiting enough, not taking care of her myself. Honestly until this evening I thought I was fine and all that I was feeling was just how it went. Until I messaged my best friend telling her about how I truly feel crazy and not understanding what the hell I am doing or why. See, I've been accusing my husband of many things. Sneaking around, cheating, you name it. Working through it with him just to start the fight all over again another day. I asked my best friend why? I have never had a trust issue, he's never done anything remotely close to anything for me to even have these suspicions. And then she hit me with this: you need to prove it to yourself and stop self sabotaging. And that maybe my issues go a little deeper and really have nothing to do with him and everything to do with my mom passing. He's just the one here to take it out on. And that maybe it's time to talk to someone. It hit me like a ton of bricks. And damn, thank you God for putting this woman in my life to be my logic when I am psychotic, but she is right. MAYBE IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH MY MOM. After a little more chitchat I decided to write down some of the things I see going on in my life. You know: constant anger and being upset, Constantly thinking something is wrong, change in emotions at the snap of a finger, never wanting to do anything but then being mad when my husband's life didn't stop with mine. Distrust in anything and everything. Constant intense sadness and pain over my momma. So what did I do? Google. I found an article about Persistent Complex Bereavement Disorder. I read it. And then another and another and another. My life matches almost ALL of the signs and symptoms. They say if the grief is still this intense after 6-12 months it is time to seek help. I decided it's time to fix myself. I sat in my garage alone having a conversation with my momma. At first I thought that it was a stupid idea but then the tears started flowing. I never realized how much hurt and anger I still carry. How guilty I really still feel. All those people gently trying to get myself to see this for 2+ years. All the fights I had with said people because "they don't get it. I'm fine. I'll get over it." I realize now I don't really have a clue how to start to heal. I don't know how to grieve. I was to worried about being the strong one for everyone else that I never really did take care of me. If anyone punished themselves and made it this far with me: thank you. This is my first step. I'm telling my story. I'm making it real. And I am trying to reach out for help I'm just not sure how.