Can't find a reason to get out of bed

I'm so sorry you're here with us. I lost my sweet wife Peg suddenly and unexpectedly also. 10 months ago to a brain aneurysm. One day at a time is all you need to do right now. I cried a lot for the first few months. Every day. We go into shock when a traumatic event like this happens. Thank God for shock! I don't remember much about the first few months. Depressed and on autopilot most of the time.Grieving is horrible! Try to just take care of yourself and your health for now. Pray. I promise you it will get a little easier as the time goes by. I don't cry as often as I used to and I have as many good days as I have bad now.Peace, love and kindness will find you again. You never know what's in store for you in life so live on and find out. Peace.

 

I totally get the sense of purposeless without your wife. If you were soul mates, you have lost half your soul. It takes time to find your new Norma, perhaps a long time. I lost my husband and soul mate as well after 20 years of marriage. He was my whole world. I went crazy for awhile, wishing I was dead, sinking into depression and deep feelings of self-loathing. It's taken a long time to build myself back up and it's still going on. It's the most terrifying journey of discovery--and the most painful--I have ever been on. Just know you are not alone, that others have faced the same thing. Won't give you advice; I am sure you are doing the very best you can. I am so sad for your pain and struggle.

 

I lost my husband when I was 55, which is considerably older than either of you. I also understand about support groups. They didn't work for me but not because of age difference. Some were younger than me. It is terrible to lose a spouse at any age, but it would be hard to join a group of all older widowers/widows. I would feel out of it, too, and sad that I didn't have my husband or wife longer. My hubbie and I met and married in our mid to late 30s; then he died at 57. Boy, did I feel cheated. I also remember the devastation of the first weeks and months after he died. My heart goes out to both of you; it's a tough road. I am sending healing thoughts your way, and strength for each day. I read a quote recently that might be of some help (or not): "There may be little consolation, little hope right now, but it is perhaps better than nothing to know this: the heart is the only instrument that still works when it is broken." Thanks for including me in your chat.

 

Christmas time is so very difficult. I feel lost. My husband died two years ago Thanksgiving and this year is the most difficult. Lorry

 

Lorry,
I’m so sorry you’re struggling and feeling worse. But I get it. I lost my husband Ron to a massive heart attack 4 years ago Thanksgiving. Holidays are so hard. Everyone so happy and in the spirit of the holidays and we’re just trying to get through. I felt better last year during the holidays then I do this year. And people don’t understand. They think we should feel better with time. It doesn’t work that way at all. I believe time makes us stronger but it doesn’t take the pain away. I get myself moving because I know Ron would want me to. Every single thing I do, I do to honor Ron, and to make him proud I’m his wife. I know he’s watching over me. And if or when I finally get moving I usually feel some better. I also have a dachshund, Teddy,he helps keep me moving. It’s hard feeling like this and everything feeling wrong while the rest of the world keeps moving forward. Do what you feel you can but be sure to take good care of yourself. You’re important and your husband would want that. Sending you hugs. Robin

 

I'm sorry things are difficult. I agree with everything my dear friend Robin said. Do what you feel is best for you. Its hard seeing everyone so happy. Do what you can and don't worry about the rest. I had said I would boycott the holidays if it wasn't for the kids. Noone understands that havnt gone through it. Im praying for your strength as you get through the holidays.

 

I am getting used to living alone which is really difficult this year Rose! Last year my husband had just passed away and I was in shock for a year. I have two dogs; two jobs and two acres I am off for Christmas and it is so different. Thank you for writing to me. Lorry

 

Well said Barry. Thank you! Lorry

 

Lorry,

This time of year is so especially difficult for all of us. It SUCKS!!! It's been a little over 20 months since Bob passed away. I seemed to be doing better, I thought I was getting used to living alone, being lonely... Until, the holidays arrived. Now I'm battling Mr. Grief way too many times every day. Never knocking him out long enough to get through an entire day. It's way beyond emotionally and physically exhausting. I feel like I've taken a zillion steps backwards on this miserable journey, for lack of a better word, that all of us have been forced to take.

No words of advice, just sending you the BIGGEST!!! virtual hug...

WE CAN & WILL GET THROUGH THE DARKEST OF DAYS TOGETHER!!!

As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Dear Deb you are so right about the holidays sucking big time! TUTTAM (total understatement to the absolute max )! They drain us in all areas ; physical, emotional, and spiritual. Take hope, daylight is increasing now. I’m going to borrow one from Tom Zuba’s Permission to Mourn, you are stronger than you think feel and believe. I will put money on you that you will knock the F***! out of Mr Grief after the cold front leaves. We can and will get through this together. Our Godfather said no one is left alone on the battlefield while grieving. We stick together because we are warriors. The Grief Warriors! We really have to use our imagination to look for a reason to keep on keeping on. We will make the best out of a bad situation also. God Bless you Deb. Sending you zillion hugs and much love. Gary

 

Deb: Thank you for your support. I slept well last night for the first time in 2 years. I keep praying and asking God to see me through. I have a lot to be thankful for but I get so very fearful living alone. I am trying to navigate my life and feel like I am running around in circles. Prayers and blessings for a better year, Lorry

 

Gary,

Thank you so much for all those hugs and love, I needed them... Like Don Lobster Lou, I've been sick, and I think it probably added to my downhill spiral. However, as always, you're so very wise. I'm finally feeling better, kicked the F****!!! out of Mr. G., and went to pick up some things at the grocery store to bring to a very good friend's house (my widowed friend I "talk" about often) for Christmas breakfast... We might be brave, but I'm NOT!!! counting on it, fight the cold, and take her dog for a long walk along the shore afterwards. It's tropical in my little corner of the world, compared to the way beyond FREEZING!!! temps, you, and so many of our GIC "family" have to endure. I hope Mother Nature gets all of her anger out ASAP!!!, and bathes all of us in some much needed warmth and sunshine... And, as you reminded me, daylight is increasing!!!, definitely something to celebrate!!!

Backing up a bit, I didn't do the best job of kicking the F***!!! out of Mr. G.. As soon as I walked through the front door of the grocery store, and saw so many happy couples, excitedly talking and filling up their carts with Christmas treats, I started crying... The good news is, I kicked the F***!!! out of him (again) while still in the store. I was able to pull myself together quickly, without having to leave, plus the lines in self checkout weren't nearly as bad as I expected them to be. Just another bittersweet day in Griefland...

On the car ride home, I thought of all the things I'm grateful for, for all the good things that have come out of the very worst moments in my life... I'm so over the top grateful for you, and all of TGW, our GIC "family," for giving me a safe place to visit, lots of virtual hugs, and comfort that can only come from those of us who understand what this total heartbreak feels like. As we used to say so often, there is strength in numbers. As long as TGW stick together, Mr. G. will NEVER!!! suffocate us!!!, TUTTAM!!!

As always, sending you lots of love and hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

I lost my husband just three months ago and this Christmas Eve is so very difficult. We were married 18 years. A second marriage for both of us. He was my soul mate and I miss him so very much. Sleeping has been a challenge. I wake up and expect him to be beside me. I guess this is the new normal. Not what any of us on this site wanted for ourselves. Thankfully we have each other and know we are not alone. I send you hugs. Janiceanne

 

I have not been on the site for the last two days. I missed the conversations and support each of you has shown me in the short time I have been a part of this group. I have been with a friend in the hospital and was unable to take the time to write. She is now going home and will have care.
I am praying for everyone and hopefully wishing that we can all find some special joy on Christmas Day. Love to you all. Janiceanne

 

Janiceanne,

I can relate to not being able to sleep. I used to dread going to bed without Bob beside me. If I managed to stop crying long enough, and actually fell asleep, I would wake frequently, many times expecting him to be beside me, exactly like what you're experiencing now. The very worst was that every now and then I would wake up from a dream where Bob was still with me, only to realize it was only a dream. The floodgates would open, I couldn't stop crying...

The bags under my eyes were HUGE!!! A member who hasn't been around in a long time, referred to those bags, as the "Uncle Fester" (from the Addams Family) look. Her description was so on target, it had me, as well as other members of our GIC "family" laughing BIG!!! TIME!!! Totally off, but sort of on the same subject, I think it's so important to be able to laugh, to find humor sprinkled in with all this darkness. Otherwise, I know I would have lost whatever shred of sanity I had left a very long time ago!!!, TUTTAM!!! (Total Understatement To The Absolute Max).

Unfortunately, lack of sleep seems to be the "new normal" for all of us. However, in time, the amount of time it takes is different for all of us, I found that I was able to sleep again. At first I had to take melatonin about an hour before bedtime in order to fall asleep, but after awhile, I don't remember when it happened, foggy widow brain SUCKS!!!, I was able to sleep without needing it. Having said all of this, every once in awhile, I will still wake up from a dream where Bob is with me. It SUCKS!!! BIG!!! TIME!!! Our lives have been changed forever in ways that not one of us would have ever chosen. It SUCKS!!! (I've been stuck on SUCKS!!! for a really long time, but it seems to say it all in just a few short words.)

Before I begin to ramble away, something I'm known for around here, I'm going to end this, make a cup of tea.

As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB