Can't find a reason to get out of bed

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by LeeD, Aug 3, 2020.

  1. LeeD

    LeeD Member

    Hello everyone. I lost my wife 3 months ago to fatty liver disease and kidney failure. She went into the hospital at the end of January and passed away on May 5th. This was the worst day of my life. I'm trying to make since of this whole thing but its not happening. We were together for 20 years and depended on each other for everything. Our families lived in different states so we were all that each other had. And now she's gone and I can't even find a reason to get out of bed.
     
  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Lee, I’m so sorry for the loss of your wife. I can understand your feeling and desire to do nothing. Missing our soul mates is overwhelming. I lost my husband to a sudden heart attack, taken from me in 2 hours. Life has been very hard since that night 20 months ago. We were together 24/7, and now it’s just me. We owned and operated a business together, so, together all the time.
    I use Ron as my inspiration to do everything, including getting out of bed each day. I know he would want me to live life and move forward as best I can. So I push and try. Our loved ones don’t want us to continue in the torture we’re putting on ourselves. But it’s certainly hard. Try to push yourself to get outside and breath in fresh air, it’s very helpful, live one day at a time. Don’t push to do too much. And hopefully reach out to family through phone calls or facetime and friends too. If you’re offered support or anyone says what can I do. Ask them to just come over and have coffee. A friend to just be there feels great.
    Visit this site often and read and share stories, it’s very helpful.
    Take care, Robin
     
  3. Barry

    Barry Well-Known Member

    Everything Robin told you is exactly what I can tell you too. I lost my wife Peg to a brain aneurysm on Nov 2, 2019. You're not alone. Take care of yourself. One day at a time is enough. Peace will come back to us. ✌
     
  4. LeeD

    LeeD Member

    Thank you so much for your reply RLC. I'm very sorry for your loss of your husband. Its a big jolt to lose the love of your life. I didn't think this would happen so soon. Its gotten to the point where I cannot make good decisions. When Sandra passed away I had her moved to Alabama where her family has a cementary. When I got financially able I said I was going to move down there to be by her. But with the virus, I've been told it would not be a good time to go down there with my health the way it is. I have a deep sense of urgency that I have to get down there to be by her side. Its very frustrating. You are right about her wanting us to live our lives. I feel like I'm being very negative and just need to get on with my life. I feel like when I talk to people about it they are thinking just get on with your life. I'm at the point where I feel like nobody wants to hear this and I just want to keep it to myself. And now I'm rambling. Thank you so much for replying. I will definitely be coming back. Maybe one day I can help someone else.
     
  5. LeeD

    LeeD Member

    Thank you so much for your reply Barry, I appreciate it very much
     
  6. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

     
  7. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for your loss. You loss a part of you so I understand not wanting to move right now. Like Robin said though go out and get some fresh air. You are griefing and there is no time limit on grief so you dont have to push yourself a whole lot jus enough to keep living. Talk about her all you want it feels good to get it out. The only people that may not want to hear it is the ones that haven't been through it dont understand that you dealing with a lot. I lost my fiancee 4 months ago and our small kids are my motivation. I understand not wanting to do nothing some days. I move for them. Reach out and talk to anytime. We all will listen cause we get it. Sending good vibes your way that you get stronger to deal with it all cause everyday is a challenge.
     
    Barry and RLC like this.
  8. LeeD

    LeeD Member

    Thank you Sweetcole. I actually did take Robin and your advice and went out for a little while. It did help. I'm so sorry for your loss, it has to be tough raising small kids and thats a great attitude that you have. I had to put my car in the shop today and when I get it back I am going to go see my family, which I haven't seen in 18 years. Hopefully that will make me feel much better. Thank you for your reply and I hope the best for you.
     
  9. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    That’s a great first step. I hope that visit goes well. Getting outside and breathing fresh gets your juices flowing. We just need to push ourselves to get outside. My son made me promise before he left to go back home after the funeral that I would go outside every day. I kept that promise e en if it was just in my back yard. And fresh air is so good for us. I hope the family visit turns into the first of many.
    You’re doing great! Pushing but not too much. Slow and steady.
    All the best!
     
  10. LeeD

    LeeD Member

    Thank you. Thats great that you go outside everyday. It sure did help me today. I don't do to bad during the day. Its when I go to bed at night that is pretty rough. Before Sandra went into the hospital the end of Jan, we had only slept apart a couple of times. I sleep but its not a good sleep. My car is in the shop now, so hopefully I'll have it back in a couple of days. Then I will plan to go to visit. Thank you sounds like you are doing great too. I wish you all the best too.
     
  11. Bart

    Bart Member

    Lee, I’m very sorry for the loss of your wife. Losing your partner in life is devastating. The person that always had your back is not there anymore. I’m struggling with that myself. I lost my wife 7 months ago. Before she got sick one of my worst fears was something happening to me, who would take care of her? I never imagined it would be the other way around. Not sure what to do most days, except to keep moving take small steps and set small goals. I’ve come to expect setbacks and there have been many. Hearing from others on this site who have gone through this already has helped me.
     
    JMD likes this.
  12. ArthurAllen

    ArthurAllen Active Member

    Im sorry for your loss, its so hard words cant describe it. I lost my wife 12 days ago to health problems, but it was sudden. Im living in a waking nightmare. Like you said, that was the worst day of my life the morning she passed. Ive been going to a lake that my wife and I used to go fishing at and walking the trail. I walk 5 miles every morning, just to keep my mind from thinking how final this is. My family lives in another state and Im going to go visit for a few days. The way I look at it, I have to get away from the constant reminders of my wife in this house. We depended on each other 100% and spent all our free time together. Its like a hole in my life, I just want her back. I found that it helps me to post on here and listen to others stories. Everyone processes grief in different ways, I realize that. I hope you find the strength to get through the day, I know its hour by hour sometimes for me. Some people go back to work to stay focused, but I cant bring myself to work yet.
     
  13. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I’m so sorry for the loss of your wife. You’re so right that the pain is so overwhelming that there are no words to describe it. People who haven’t been through this just can’t understand how awful it feels. I lost my husband to a sudden and massive heart attack. Came out of no where, had a beautiful day together, doing chores and buying food for thanksgiving. He didn’t feel well at 9:30 pm and at 11:34 pm I lost the love of my life. The loneliness becomes too much. The house is too quiet. We owned a business together and we’re together 24/7. My life changed 100% that night. Never lived alone before. Going for walks like you’re doing is good for you. Get your blood flowing and breathe in fresh air. Visiting family is also a good choice. Be around people who will support you. You’re making good choices. Live moment to moment. I know people who have gone back to work and it turned out to be too soon, we’re all different but I think waiting is a good choice. Our brains can’t think straight, we’re living in a fog. I didn’t find this site until 11 months after my husband passed, I was not good at all. This site has helped me more then I’d ever expect. So, yes, visit this site often it helps in many ways and in knowing what you feel is normal and you’re not alone.
     
  14. ArthurAllen

    ArthurAllen Active Member

    Im sorry for your loss. You mentioned sleep and the lack of good sleep. I havent slept more than 2 hours at a time since she passed. Last night was the worst night Ive had. Its strange that its worse even though more time has passed. I stayed up late thinking it would help me sleep longer than 2 hours, but I basically was up all night. I might have slept 1 hour. Its like my mind keeps telling my body something is wrong, wake up. I gave up and turned the tv on, just tossing and turning. I tried reading, praying, and nothing worked. Its the shock of her sudden passing that is sinking in to my mind. I hope you have more success sleeping during your visit also.
     
  15. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Your loss is very new - I think your walks in a place that makes you feel good are a great thing to do to take care of yourself. Your grief is unique to you and you should be kind to yourself and do what ever makes you feel best. I find it comforting to be near to my husbands things, sometimes I feel panicky and too alone if I’m not. What we are going through is not by choice and it is very hard. I am also grateful for the understanding that I find here.
     
    Sweetcole and Kata like this.
  16. ArthurAllen

    ArthurAllen Active Member

    Thanks for your reply. I hope you are doing ok with the loss your husband, at least the best you can be at this time. It’s tough to know how to talk to others about this pain. I don’t like it when friends try to minimize my loss. Even though they mean well they’re uncomfortable with my pain. It’s been good to see my family and get away from the memories for a few days.
     
  17. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    I agree sleep is hard to find. I havnt gotten much sleep.in months. Even my son said it's not fair for us to go to sleep without his dad. So something wrong we missing our other halves. It's still weird not having him here. I hope nights get easier for you
     
  18. ArthurAllen

    ArthurAllen Active Member

    Thanks for your reply. Sleep has still been elusive for me. When I doze off I have nightmares and then I’m waking up suddenly again. Like you said, my other half isn’t there with me. She liked going to bed early and waking up early, it was tough to get into a sleep routine when we first started living together. Now I would give anything to wake up from this nightmare and find her already awake, making coffee and getting the house ready for the day.
     
  19. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    We were early to bed, early to rise people. Since he’s been gone, I am not getting much restful sleep. No nightmares, just fitful sleep. My calmest time of day seems to be in the evening before bed. We usually had a couple of good hangout hours together after work around then. I am sad that he’s not going to walk through the bedroom door and go to bed. The emotions are sadness, loneliness and fear. When I do wake up the realization that he is still gone makes me panicky. I miss him and our routines. Like you I’d give anything for him to be here - his routines brought security.
     
  20. ArthurAllen

    ArthurAllen Active Member

    I miss our routine so much it hurts to explain it to people who haven’t been through this. I took everything for granted. We thought we had years ahead of us and we dreamed about moving somewhere warm when she could retire. One of the saddest times of the day is dinner. We always had dinner together, every night. Now I dread that time of the evening. We both cooked. Even setting the table makes me tear up. Why am I not setting a plate on her side? It’s little things that are so painful and most people don’t think of that.