The feeling of loss takes the breath out of me most days. I feel that I am in a state of panic at times but I can keep going on, it’s very frustrating. Sometimes when I am breathing easy I am so happy that I am and then I doubt that I deserve to feel joy... the cycle starts again and I wonder, will it last forever? My authentic self knows it will not but my other parts of me are worried. It has been close to 3 months since I lost both my brother in dad in a car accident. I want to breathe easy but am scared to lose anyone else. Fear is now tapping on my shoulder constantly, so I hold my breath and worry it will be taken from me.
Jilly, I am saddened by your losses of your brother and father. I wish I could take the pain away. There are no adequate words. To have lost your sibling and also your dad, the one who protected and guided you is so troubling. I know after my dad passed it was such a hollow feeling, he was my hero. Your life will be filled with feelings of joy and sadness, it is sometimes so very hard to accept them all. I remember trying to talk with others about my dad and it just wasn't as meaningful to them as it was to me. I am sure you have faced that as well for your brother. It is normal to openly feel hopeless, to not know how to relate during this time. All you are doing is trying to find a way to cope with those enormous feelings you are building up inside after this sudden loss. I hope you find an opportunity to reach out to professional help like a counselor, psychiatrist, and even a priest. They can help you open up and work to find a way to move forward, not beyond the loss, but by being able to accept those losses. Of course it isn't easy, it never is. My two sons and I had ten years to face the loss of their mother and my wife of 42 years from cancer. Even though we had so much time, it wore on us three tremendously. When she passed I was happy she would suffer no more, but the reality of her loss always would come back during those days with so much silence in the room, and the emptiness and loneliness at night. So loss is not ever easy to get beyond, no matter how quick or how long you have to prepare. If you have a family reach out to them. Share with them your feelings and perhaps you all can connect and help each other. Please make sure you watch out for yourself, and make sure to look out for becoming depressed. Peace be with you. -david For your dad For your brother
