We lost kids dad on Father's day 2020 he was murdered. Then my dad died unexpectedly November 19th 2020. My mom died December 18th 2020. This has been a very hurtful 7 1/2 months for me and my family. My kids buried a parent before they ever stepped a foot in high-school and months later lost 2 grandparents. It's hard to grieve when my kids are going through so much. I can't wrap my head around all of this I know they can't. I'm getting married in April this yr and I can't focus on my wedding or be happy from all the hurt pain anger I feel. My anxiety is everywhere I'm sure I'm depressed and it's tiring. Today has been especially tiring I can't seem to calm down and get my anxiety under control. Everything seems like a blurr I don't know if I'm coming or going half of the time. My boys and fiancée have covid we have all had to quarantine in separate rooms. Being alone for the last week and a half has allowed thoughts to become way too loud. I want to cry scream be alone be surrounded I'm not sure what I want I want them back. To have to tell my kids their dad was gone taken from us in the most unnatural way possible broke me. I have never felt so empty or useless as a mother. If they scrape a knee I can put a bandage on it. If they break a bone it can be casted. This hurt this pain I can't fix it I can't take it away and he is the person I am supposed to call when I can't fix it I can't call him and I'm lost. I had to go to the er alone and hear the newsy dad was gone I had to be the one to call mom the woman that loved him for 50 yrs and tell her he was gone. Then she was gone not even a month later. I sat at the hospital for a week and prayed she would get better I watched as death took over her body and the drs don't prepare you for the changes death brings to the body. I will never forget any of it . Lung cancer slowly took the strongest woman I know as I watched her fade away and there was nothing I could do about it. I feel numb I am broken.
