Breaking...all day everyday

What is this it'll get better... All I can see is things sucking more and more. I'm supposed to be doing all this Aimee...now she's gone and all I do is hurt and cry all day...I feel a void, all the time, like half my heart is gone.... I guess because it is...What is life without her to share it with...

 

I feel the same here without my husband and I am sure everyone that is in our situation does. I just try to get through one day at a time. Some days are better then others. It’s just rougher cuz of everything that is going on in our world. Try to breathe and take care of yourself as best that u can.

 

I'm feeling the same today. Alot of emotions anxious, depressed, tired, angry has crept in there. Not angry at my husband or mom or dog. They had to go....I get it. It was their time. Not easy to agree to but what other choice do I have ? What is there to look forward to all by myself and covid.....It's not like you can go out and do "normal" things, albeit people are, I just can't accept all the opening up. I work at a medical clinic and a coworker got it.....scarey. She doesn't know when she goes to sleep if she'll wake up the next morning. Horrible stuff. Covid just multiplied my emotions by 100.

 

Yeah the masks actually make mad...Aimee hated them when someone's fighting for the life and you keep putting itchy mask over your face so you think your suffocating, Aimee had pneumonia in the hospital and due to the covid-19, at the time they kept slapping a mask on him and it gave her horrible anxiety and it would make her freak out. When your hearts doing all kinds of crazy rhythms and beats it's best not to upset somebody like that. The whole thing was a shitshow, I did the best I could, and stay by her side to the very end... I miss her so much, all I did was crying the shower this afternoon and talk to her all throughout my day... One day at a time as they say... Hope things get better... I'm ready for God to come back, the Apocalypse where things are going it actually might happen soon... then be reunited with all their loved ones once again...

 

I certainly have had some of those thoughts. Today was a bad day for me. All kinds of emotions. Even anger snuck it's ugly mug in there. I'll never do that part of grief for Jerry, Mom or Maggie and feel anger for them leaving. It was their time. God isn't working on my timeline where I would've had them with me here forever long as I am. Now it's just deafening silence. I can't have a hard solid cry that may help. I tear up and have a small cry but it doesn't feel like the cleansing ones I felt before. I feel like I'm in limbo.....Ty for the kind words. I hope your world gets better also.

 

Well, tears came for me. Closing the blinds in my moms room. Floodgates opened....I haven't grieved for her properly either....

 

Yeah, the deep soul cleansing cries those are great well you know what I mean...I feel anger smack me everyday and I'm a happy go lucky dude.Im all about puppies and rainbows so anger doesn't fit me well, I've actually come to find it frustration that bad decisions were made... The if, coulds, shoulda, wouldas...then I realise what you said God has His timeline and doesn't operate the way we want...I learned this lesson long ago...guess it is time for refresher...I just get so bummed at not getting more of a future with her...it sucks...but I've realised any time spent with her was amazing and I really got to connect to my special someone I just want more...but I believe in after-life and That is Forever this is temporary...I just remind myself of that everyday....Jonathan Staufenbiel 'a man of many experiences....

 

I hear you on that with tears streaming down my face right now. "They" must've heard my frustration about not letting myself cry cause I'm making up for it now....

 

Well I hope it cleanses your soul and you feel refreshed afterwards. Peace & Love to you know your appreciated and thankyou so much for a shoulder to cry and lean on. Truly thankyou JRS a man of many Experiences...

 

I'm the same Jonathan. David was the absolute love of my life, best friend, support, everything. He was killed in a cycling accident 4.5 weeks ago. I see no point in my life without him. I wrote this last night in my journalling. What is the point of doing anything towards the future, if it's a future without him.

We were both spiritual people, believing in things happening for a reason. So many things occurred that day that could have changed his timing of being in that spot, on the road, minutes from home. Just 30 seconds difference and he may be here with me now. He stopped to talk to someone for 10 minutes, told them how happy he was, how proud of me he was.
It's killing me. It feels sometimes like I'm dying. Had she not been there that morning.... it just goes on, in my head.

Then, as I talk to him in my journal, I ask if I am meant for a bigger purpose, the old me dying away. But the old me was a good person, kind and funny and loving. I never did bad things to anyone, I inspired and supported others! WTF am I supposed to rebirth into???

So, the conversation degenerates into ******ks and I get angry about him going, leaving, being taken from me.

I've told myself not to expect it to get any easier for a while. It changes every day, it's generally quieter, but the pain grows deeper, corkscrewing through my body like an insidious dye changing the colour of my blood. In minutes, I can experience dozens of different emotions. It's exhausting.

We are here together knowing how much pain we are all in. It helps a little to know we aren't alone. Everything we go through is expected.

I also believe the depth of the grief aligns with the depth of the love. I've had many losses, including my dad in 2008, but nothing compares to this.

Thoughts with you

 

@Jannvb
You understand my pain, that's for sure. You put it so well. The line "your grief, goes as Deep Is Your Love." Made me start crying, even though I woke to cry about Aimee this morning, Yes, I truly believe what you said to be 100% correct.
It so hard to go on without them...You ask yourself what's the point. Well because we know they would want us to enjoy life.
I'm a spiritual person also, I do believe things happen for a reason. I also know this is temporary...Also on the word temporary are these emotions, don't love how you can go through 12 in 12minutes it exhausting at times, but you truly feeling for that person at that moment, your remembering them. Reminiscing about them. Thinking about beautiful memories and I put them. Don't count these moments as pain but truly feeling & loving for that special person. I know hard, I struggle with all these emotions all day. This why come here to talk and relate to one another, to vent to know we're not alone in feeling this way or crazy emotions.Im going to try to have a good day today, I miss my Angel, but she is always by my side...
-Jonathan Staufenbiel- A man of many Experiences...