Thank you, we had a life time of happy times and stories. I still have trouble with our memories even though they’re all wonderful, the memories make me so sad and miss my life even more. I know I’m lucky that Ron bought me purses and other things. The first purse he got me was a Coach, and it was perfect. He knew what I needed in a purse and felt so good when he pulled it off. But I also understand how Mark felt, my Dad hated shopping, I bought all my Moms gifts from him. It must have been very hard for your husband in stores, Ron’s brother passed away in 2011 from brain cancer, he lost most his eyesight and he hated that he needed to have someone guide him, during our visit with him, he held my arm everywhere we went. I was happy to give his wife a break. He was happy I guided him because he got lost so easily, we left and he passed 4 days later. Ron missed his brother and felt for bad he didn’t get to grow old. Now they’re together. I’ve had many people say very hurtful things to me, I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with people saying such things as, well, he was ill, so it’s not sudden. People can say such ignorant things, and not even realize. They just don’t understand how this feels, because they haven’t experienced it. Like you and Mark, Ron and I were each other’s best friends and needed no one else, we had each other. I let many friendships lapse because we just wanted each other. I regret that now. I do know, without a doubt that Ron wouldn’t want me to be suffering so much and to do whatever I need to be happy. We actually talked about these things. We hoped to go together so no one would be left behind and suffering. Like you said, one day at a time. Not much else we can do.
Friendships are hard when you get older, I think many coupled people fall into that situation. If you can find something a hobby or class that you can join. Little did I know I ended up forming some new friendships from a workout class I started attending. After a while if you stuck to it the regulars would strike up conversations, a few of them knew that my husband was ill on/off I tried to get to classes but when it got bad they knew it by my absence. One person really came to my rescue, her dad had suffered some of the same, and we bonded on this just being able to relate. When my husband passed she stuck by my side, she was at the wake the whole day and the funeral service the next day. She even drove my car behind the hearse, Mark teased me about my driving all the time, especially after his stroke things seemed faster than they were. I joked with her, yes I managed a joke because he and his family were always full of laughter even in the bad times.I said to her with my luck I will rear end him, and he be saying, "you can't even let me leave in peace." I had to explain his family to her, and sure enough I told his mom the joke and she laughed too. I know it's difficult to get moving, I'm just getting back to it. In addition to her two other ladies have become friends and they text me asking, going today? See if you can find something you enjoy. So nice of you to give his wife a break, sometimes caretakers need a break. There's guilt in that, I told Mark one time I just need a break, he said back that he'd never need a break from me. I responded, you don't know how/what it feels like from this side. I know she appreciated it. The hurtful things, some I know are unintentional, probably most are meant in the best way. Although, some people are just stupid. One person said to me, "I see a new car in your future." What the hell is that? I just lost my husband, I didn't win the lotto. I just looked at him and said, the next thing you're going to tell me is I should go to Disneyland. Like many here, the first weeks, I could barely eat, or sleep. Some days I didn't bother getting ready. I felt accomplished if I brushed my teeth. I feel like I'm trying to walk through quicksand. One day at a time is the mantra. I hope you're having the day you want today.
I am finding myself very confused trying to work out what to do with things in the garage. My partner loved to fix things him self and he has so many tools and contraptions in the garage. I have no idea what a lot of these items are for or what to do with them. I can see him laughing at me trying to work out what these things are... I feel like it is hard to part with items that bring back good memories. When I see his tools in the garage it reminds me of the times he would fix my car when it would break. He was very handy at working out how to fix things and he liked doing those things for me. I miss that.
I totally understand how your family tried to keep things light even during bad times. Makes sense to me, we’re like that too. So nice that you made such connections with people from your workout class, so glad that happened for you. My sister in law wants me to join her gym, I can’t because of arthritis but she knew that just thought it could a way to get out, etc. Thankyou for your thoughts on me giving my sister in law a break. She has her own health issues and they moved to New Hampshire, no family around, we hoped they would move back by us so we could help them, but that didn’t happen. I cooked for them and Ron helped with some house projects. Just so glad we got there when we did. We took them out for his last dinner out and spent quality time together. There are times I think, how come people don’t know enough to keep their mouth shut. But I do know, because they don’t realize how hurtful they’re being. But then again my sister is a therapist and works with people going through a loss, and she’s treated me the worst. Who knows. I totally get the feeling of accomplishment just getting out of bed or brushing your teeth etc. they still feel like accomplishments. Right now I’m trying to get ready for a visit to my son. Some days I think I’m crazy for planning this, other days I can’t wait to get there. My daughter and I are planning it together and hoping the warm sun of Florida will do us good, and of coarse being with my son. But the getting ready, ugh! I hope you’re having a good day today, as good as can be expected. Take care!
Oh man, the tools! Sounds like you have a lot, I do too, it’s overwhelming. And a basement with more! And when I closed our business I brought home more. I did give some things away to family and I sold a few things. As things feel like too much I list them on letgo, things go pretty fast on there, so I have to be sure I’m ready to see them go. Because like you mentioned, all these things carry memories along with them. I’m thankful we have a lot of tools for lawn maintenance, my daughter and I use them regularly, at first we felt upset using them, but it actually feels good now. Looking forward to spring and being outside again. I made a memorial garden for Ron and I put the first compressor we bought for our business in the middle of it. Everyone loves that. But I can’t trim our hedge, it’s too big, I used to be outside while Ron trimmed it. We did everything together. As I’m sure you did too and anyone else reading this. Miss us!
Robin, sorry to hear that about the way your sister is behaving, you're right to expect better. I had a trip planned out to Florida in February, planned before the last bout of his down turn. I'd take a long weekend here and there as a care-taking breather but also as a confidence builder for him. He'd get anxious when I'd go away, but I'd set up meals and everything, and he was always fine, and when I got back I'd say see, you did it. And yes, he was proud of the fact that everything ran smoothly. I did cancel my trip, just not up to it, however I do try to get out everyday. There's been no sun here for days and not expecting any till Sunday, but hey last year it was -10 as a high without the windchill, so not many are complaining. I've had the lawn mowing and snow-blowing assignment since his illness started. He'd do it here and there but would tire, and the fumes from the snow-blower made him cough as well as the cold. He was really into his vegetable garden I wasn't into it, how I wish I would have been more involved with him on that. I told him this year I'd help more with it since it would have been spread over days and not such a weekend warrior project. His garden was beautiful. Funny about the compressor, we have one too in the garage, rarely do I hear it release pressure, it's been years. I was in the garage the other day and it went off. I thought it was Mark's way of saying, I'm still here. Planning trips can be difficult at this time, I get it. Just another thing to do. I hope for you once you get in the sun and warmth it will offer you some comfort. As far as going to the gym, check if they have any entry yoga or barre classes. I take Pure Barre classes, they're a franchise all over. I have a bad knee some torn ligaments, just on the line of surgery, barre has built up the muscles around it and while I still get pain at times, my constant limp is gone. Many people in the class have had all sorts of stuff. This is no to very low impact. The focus is on small moves and holding it and it takes concentration. You get to know your classmates, which is helpful since sometimes I get teary eyed during the class and at a few of the sessions at the end just plain out broke down. The support has been outstanding. I hope you can tap into something like that where you live. You have an easy day.
Hi Bel, sorry to here of your loss, you sound like you're contending with a similar situation of RLC and myself. All I can say is firstly, don't rush, take your time, don't part with anything that you don't want to, even if they're things you're not going to use. As far as the things that you do decide to part with when you're ready, use Google, to look things up for information and value, you can try eBay and even contacting the manufacturer. Whatever you do don't let anyone pressure you. Take your time with everything.
Hey guys, as I read over your replies on tools I had to chuckle (something that doesn't come easy!). I had opted to move to a different house (rambler vs. two story). We were moving anyways so this was an easy decision for me to make. I finally moved in November almost a year from my wife's death. Since my old house was close, I moved all the small stuff myself a couple of boxes at a time. Now the funny part - kitchen utensils, gadgets and ingredients I've never heard of. I've got more specialty cake pans and cookie cutters that I swear I could open up a bakery. She made and decorated all the birthday/shower/anniversary cakes for everyone. She just loved trying out new recipes. Last year shortly after her death, I decided to make cookies. I like the soft chewy kind so that was my goal. WRONG - I ended up with ones that could break your teeth. I became diabetic in September from an immuotherapy treatment I was on so sweets are no longer an option (and I love sweets). So yea, women have "tools" as well. As a side note, it would have been easy to just move everything since my new house is slightly bigger. I just did not want to push this problem to my kids. They probably would have just had a dumpster delivered. So as painful as it was, I went through everything. In fact I just finished up this week. There were somethings I could just not part with . So I carved out a space (1/2 a closet was my limit) and I just boxed it all up and will let somebody else worry about it when my time comes. Now I just need to learn how to cook so I can use some of her "tools".
I understand the little weekend get always , good for both of you, makes sense. I also understand canceling, it’s all so very hard. The weather does seem to play into how we feel, I think. The sun feels so good when we get it. It hasn’t been a horrible winter here, but it’s been cold enough with lots of cloudy rainy days. Thankfully not too much snow. The compressor I put in the center of the memorial garden was moved multiple times, shop to shop and Ron would say, I don’t know why I’m keeping this but I need to. It’s a small compressor and one wheel had something happen to it, he made a replacement out of wood. So now it sits outside and the wooden wheel gives it character. Everyone enjoys the garden and the compressor. I’m willing to bet the compressor going off was a message from Mark. I get signs like that too. I’m taking a break from packing, sitting with Ted, (my dachshund) not looking forward to taking him to the kennel tomorrow. So spending extra time with him. He’s my buddy, he misses his Dad. Hope your day is going ok.
I agree that things that were discussed or planned before our losses are easier decisions to make then new things. I’m glad our woes with our husbands tools gave you a chuckle, and you’re experiencing the same issue but with kitchen and cooking supplies. I’ve wondered many times if I had passed and my husband was here trying to navigate through this nightmare, how would he be doing. I know he’d be suffering just like I am, and I know he can cook some, but would he, I don’t know. I’m not cooking like I always have so I’m guessing he wouldn’t be doing much cooking. I think it’s great you made cookies, I’m sure your wife would be proud that you made the effort and used her baking supplies. I bet she knows. Same predicament, different “ tools”. That is chuckle worthy. You’ve accomplished a lot, with the move and going through your wife’s things, so difficult. I had to go through everything in our business when I closed it, every tool, work table, materials and personal items. I know it’s a very difficult task and emotional. I did need a dumpster and we filled it as we cried. Even ordering the dumpster, is like a whole new language, yards, how do you know what size you need? Life sure has changed for all of us. I’m learning how to use Ron’s drills, and saws all and Chain saws etc. I have actually used all those tools, thankfully we did everything together so I’ve watched him use all his tools, and have learned a lot through watching. I’m sure you’ll find some recipes of your wife’s that you can master.
Its different for everyone. For me, I donated my husband's clothing 6 weeks after he passed. And afterwards, I wondered if I should have. But I felt if I didn't do it right then, Id never do it. It was the same with taking his name off all our accounts and vehicles. I felt like I was erasing him but If I didn't get it done while my family was here to help, I wouldn't have been able to do it. Just do what feels right for you. You'll know when you're ready.
I love that idea of a memorial. I have now decided to relocate back to where all my family live and I want to make a little section of the garden into a memorial when I eventually find another house etc. That is so nice you get good use out of some of those tools.
Thank you I am going to stick to my guns and do things when I am ready, not when every one else thinks I should be ready.
Bel, I am happy for you that you were able to make the decision to move and be close to your family. Also glad that hearing about my memorial garden has inspired you. I have found that working on adding stepping stone etc feels like I’m with Ron, and feels like a good therapy. I’m glad you’re going to stick to your guns and do things when you’re ready. You’re on the right path. And yes it does feel good making good use of some of the many many tools. ❤️
Yes stick to your guns! Because, only you know when you're ready. A friend of his that came in from out of town offered to help me get rid of all the clothes in the couple of days before the funeral. He was insistent on me doing this, he said it's what he did when his mom passed. One morning he called to. ask what time he should come over. My whole being felt that it was something I didn't want to do yet, and I didn't want help with that I needed to decide. So I told him thanks, but I'm not ready. I know he wanted to do something to help, and I know he thought this was the right thing to do. But, I knew it wasn't right for me. I did immediately donate what I called his "sick" clothes. After his stroke a few years ago he started to wear sweats all the time and tee shirts. Before that he was always dressed better, so that stuff went. He always hated hospital gowns, when he was in a regular room it was regular clothes, a pair of shorts and a tee. It bothers me that he passed in a hospital gown. My husband loved to cook, he knew how to use all the kitchen tools. He preferred eating at home to going out, he'd cook. He'd be better organized about it too, making bigger portions and freezing for later. That takes organization, which normally I can do. But now I just don't have the energy or the brain function. How are you folks coping with meals? Cooking for one really sucks!
Cooking is something we'd make into an afternoon activity, some music and wine and try to cook something new, some great memories, it's one of the many things I find so sad now. Although I have cooked a few meals for my sons family since her passing when they visit but not the same. I like RLC's memorial garden idea, my wife was an avid gardener and although I loved going for garden tours around our yard with Cathi at the end of a long day I didn't really pay much attention to what had to be done to create that beauty. It's been weighing on me that spring is just around the corner and I won't see her playing in the dirt so happy that winter was over and she could back doing what made her happiest, I guess the neighbors will have to get used to seeing a grown man crying while he tries to figure out gardening Thanks to everyone who shares stories here, it's oddly comforting to read these posts and know I'm not alone in this shitty journey of grief.
I have to agree, that it seems comforting reading other people’s stories. Reading about happy times and even how we’re trying to navigate through this nightmare. The sharing is helpful. I guess the knowledge that we’re not crazy, everyone feels this way. And the wonderful lives people had, you can feel the love and the loss.
Sounds like you had a lovely routine. I agree with you wholeheartedly thanking everyone for their stories, good to know we're not alone.
Looks like we came on at the same time. I went out tonight to catch a movie on my own, figuring I need to learn to navigate being single again. I was fine until I got home, the garage is the hardest, he loved that garage, and so much of it is all his stuff. Had a mini meltdown before going into the house. I know our pets feel our grief and I didn't want to come into the house in tears.
