Been having a hard time

So it's been a little over 3 years since a good friend of mine died unexpectedly and i've been having this weird mental tug-of-war on and off with myself for a while: there's a part of me that's like 'you're being stupid, you shouldn't still be feeling this way after 3 years, get over yourself' and then there's the more logical part of me that's like 'well of course you're having a hard time, it's an incredibly horrible difficult situation to have to deal with, you lost someone important to you way too young' (he was only 25) and i kinda feel silly even talking about it after this long

i've been really struggling with guilt and regret about not spending more time with him. It wasn't that i didn't want to obviously, but it still kinda makes me feel like a bad friend. There's a part of me that knows that that's silly and illogical, but i just can't help it. This is the first time i've ever lost someone my own age and i have to admit, it really did a number on my mind

 

One thing I have learned over the last three years is that there is no right way to grieve. This tug of war and on/off you describe is probably a very natural thing. I think we all do it at one time or another, at different junctures in life. Also, I learned that we are part of a society that has what is called "grief illiteracy" or inability to understand grief, which I sometimes think of as a language I'm struggling to learn. When you are thrust into the world of loss, you don't suddenly become able to understand large, complicated books on the subject. No, instead you start small, with elementary picture books (in a manner of speaking), and work your way up to young people's novels, then expand to newspapers or even scientific journals (again, so to speak).

Or conversely, a person doesn't choose that, and stays with the ABC's of grief for awhile, working at their own pace. Sometimes in learning a language and/or learning to read, kids or adult learners of a language experience an apparent regression, or a temporary inability to read or converse in the new language, and they might panic (well, the grown-ups do, anyway; most kids handle it okay) until things sort themselves out. But unless there is a genuine learning disability, it's probably just the person's learning style adjusting and expanding to accommodate new experiences and understandings.

So it seems reasonable to me that as we learn to cope, the back and forth you describe will occur, and it's best to be gentle with yourself as you adjust to a new reality. We all know you won't get a lot of help from the people who haven't yet experienced loss. Without that support, often you'll fumble along until you get the hang of grief, or are lucky enough to encounter a good online group or an in-person grief support group.

This is especially true for something called "disenfranchised grieving." That's what you might be describing when you say "i kinda feel silly even talking about it after this long." Maybe you weren't allowed to grieve? Or didn't allow yourself to grieve? Sometimes we feel (or are told) that immediate family has more "right" to grieve a person who died, and a friend or acquaintance has fewer such "rights" or they "should move on" sooner.

 

I luckily never felt like i wasn't allowed to grieve and definitely did allow myself to grieve, i think it's maybe kust me being too hard on myself and feeling like because it's been 3 years i shouldn't still be having a hard time and be 'moved on' in a way, even though i know that's silly and not true